to be bored stupid by gaming husband

[mallorytower]

All he wants to do is play PlayStation games all weekend. Friday night through to Monday. He will come and watch tv with me if I ask and if I book for us to go do something, like swimming, then he will go but it’s an effort to get him out of the house. He rarely suggests doing anything outside the house. Default is PlayStation on. Constantly. I spend my weekends seeing him sat on the chair, controller in hand. I want to know where other people stand on this? Am I being controlling by not wanting it on in our house all weekend. It’s just boring. It’s like somebody watching non stop Eastenders, all weekend, every weekend, month after month. I can’t work out what other people do? Is this just normal life? Do other people’s husbands just sit and game all the time?

Urgh

My dh goes for short to medium bike rides for fitness, goes for lots of walks, he likes it when I come too, we go sailing together, he cuts the grass, fixes things, watches TV, puts on vinyl records, does the washing, reads a book. I think it can work if you both like gaming but otherwise it's hideous because it's like being a golf spouse, except he's also in your space doing something you are not involved in.

You're bored by him, so it doesn't matter if other people think its fine or not OP. Its not likely to get any better for you.

@Octoberbreeze

Any interest is fine if both people in a couple work together and are happy.

You could substitute football, motor racing, reading, running, knitting or sewing in the gaming slot. If someone is obsessive about 'their' interest and the partner is excluded either the partner finds their own interest or shares an interest then there is an imbalance -- resentment and relationship cracks--it's all about the interactions between 2 people.

Tell him how you feel - could he change, could you find your own interest, do you want to keep feeling this way if he doesn't change and spend years moaning (lots of people spend a lifetime moaning about x, y or z but do nothing about it) - or just call time on your time together.

There is the issue of how much you are actually investing in The relationship. If one partner isn’t doing anything at all to spend time with the other and deliberately spend all his time in his hobby/activity/gaming, then they are putting little in the relationship and it’s bound to die.

It’s not just about interest and sharing them (or been happy to live side by side most of the time).

So you need to suggest a walk, lunch out, board games etc set your expectations such as let’s go for a walk then come home and watch a movie together with a hot chocolate.
Does she now? How about instead she stops suggesting anything, does her own thing, and sees if in the next month he thinks of her at all or suggests they do anything. It’s not a relationship if there’s only one person keeping it alive.

When it’s dry we’ll go for a long walk together with pub lunch involved. Normally somewhere new to explore.
Or go to the garden centre and have a browse.
Visit relatives or friends.
Go to the shops.
DIY.
Clean the house.
Cook a nice meal and watch a movie.
Occasionally something organised like bowling or swimming but usually a bit more relaxed, see what we fancy at the time.

I actually play an online game (I’m female if that matters). I’ll spend an hour most evenings and maybe 15 minutes each morning logging on to see what’s happened over night. It’s a bit of a guilty pleasure, it certainly doesn’t impact on our time together. I can take it or leave it.

Makes me laugh how many people will knock gamers the. Spend four houses binge watching something - it’s exactly the same, in fact I would argue gaming is better as it’s often interacting with others abs keeps your brain and reactions alert Yeah! Right! And cycling and golf are also good for your health.

All solo efforts. Hour upon hour of not having to interect with your partner, family. Nothing to do with having a relationship, communication, shared experiences! It is daft to leap to defend gamers because of the specific activity they choose to lose themselves in!

What OP is describing is not someone who likes to play a game every now and then but someone who uses gaming to preclude any other activity, to exclude himself from family interactions. And like any other activity that takes precedence over a relationship for hour after hour, week after week, it is selfish. It lacks emotional intelligence, care, etc.

As others have said, like any activity that excludes it is going to sow seeds of resentment. OP has 2 choices: discuss it with him, see if he can understand the issue, work on undoing the damage he has done; choose to walk away, leave him to it.

It's up to her to decide what she can and cannot accept!

Gaming isn't the issue, it could be golf, painting, photography, cycling, football, dancing, swimming etc etc etc. The problem is you have a husband who wants to do his favourite thing to the exclusion of being part of the household.

Tackle that issue head in and talk to him about it.

I game, my husband does photography, I do theatre, my husband goes wild camping. We negotiate our time, talk about how what we want to do might impact the family, and sometimes accept we can't do what we want.

I have to say, I also would like to know how much HW he is doing at the weekend etc...
Because I suspect that this attitude isn’t just about not really wanting to organise anything with the OP. It’s also is Spreading towards not doing anything in the house either. Doing some of chores would certainly be one of the time when we are ‘mingling’ together in the house with DH. It’s also an a opportunity to talk.

He's not a teenage lad any more. Time he grew up.

If he's spending all weekend gaming, does that mean he's doing fuck all around the house?

My ex and I were both into gaming - many a happy evening passed with us playing separate games on separate computers, only talking to say "It's your turn to put the kettle on." But it doesn't really matter what works for other people: this isn't working for you.

You're feeling neglected and unloved because all his care and attention is on the pixels instead of you. What are you going to do about it?

No that's not at all what it's like in our house and that sounds boring and shit to me OP

What happens about household/gardening tasks? When and how do they get done?

He’s not responsible for entertaining you. He doesn’t have to be ‘good company’. He’s at home chilling out. Leave him be.

My husband will meet and play games online with his friends about twice a week for a round 2 hours a time. It is scheduled in the diary as an event and they do it regularly so if we have something else planned then they reschedule around us. Every other night we are together and might go out for dinner, go out for a walk, watch TV or do a bit of baking. It's hardly like we do that much in our evenings but it's quietly lovely and we are always together. I really enjoy the time he's playing with his friends as it gives me time to have a bath or do some crafting or just watch my own TV programmes. There is definitely a balance to gaming versus family time and your husband has firmly not got that. You need to have a chat with him and make it really really clear how you feel. It might be that he (somehow) just doesn't know or hasn't thought about how it makes you feel. It can't go on like this though - it sounds awful for you xxx

That sounds awful, I had an ex like it and it’s just so boring. You can’t join in, they aren’t making something, getting exercise or socialising, it’s just a very childish way to spend their time.
Even if he did play before you met him I doubt he said “so I play on my PlayStation all my waking hours from Friday evening to Sunday evening” whilst you were dating. He probably pretended to have other hobbies and interests.
Start a new life for yourself, socialising and hobbies which don’t involve him, you’ll probably meet someone else along the way. It’s sometimes easier to be single than lonely in a relationship because other people know you’re on your own and can support you, if you’re in a relationship they just assume you’re with your partner.

It’s his choice, but I would not like living with someone so boring

Is gaming his only interest? That’s so limited

But whatever floats his boat. But no, it’s not “normal” to me. Is he the same weekday evenings? Does he ever move/exercise?

He’s not responsible for entertaining you. He doesn’t have to be ‘good company’. He’s at home chilling out. Leave him be.

He’s not responsible for entertaining OP, but if he’s never interacting with her or engaging with her or planning activities or sharing his time then honestly what’s the point in being in a relationship? People should want to spend some time with their partners, or it’s not actually a relationship.

@Vagaries

I’ve always made a point of avoiding gamers. If the most interesting thing you can find to do is to shoot imaginary opponents in Advanced Recon Fighter Fuckwit VI while sitting in an armchair, then you are just not my type of person. And no, it’s not the same as reading.

Gaming isn't the issue, it could be golf, painting, photography, cycling, football, dancing, swimming etc etc etc

To me this is like comparing someone who won’t stop drinking herb tea to someone who won’t stop drinking alcohol. One isn’t addictive, the other is highly addictive. So bizarre that so many posters are ignoring the addiction issue and equating day long gaming sessions with day long gardening sessions! Do people really think like this and not see the difference? The mind boggles.

I know someone who essentially ended his marriage over this. Family life was getting in the way of Red Dead Redemption.

I wouldn’t think it’s ok either OP, it would seriously puss me off, my exh used to watch horse racing all weekend (didn’t gamble, just watched it), it drove me nuts, he did nothing with us unless I forced him out the house and then he would make me feel bad for tearing him away from the tv/radio. It made me begin to hate him and eventually I kicked him out.

I also hate gaming or binge watching, I just don’t see the lint in it and there’s no way I would want to join in.

As per usual, sitting for hours on a PlayStation is wasting your life but sitting for hours on MN isn’t

My husband is a gamer. He plays most evenings and then during the weekend he will play during the day but he’ll do other things. Mainly because DH has a lot of things that interest him. At the weekend, he’ll ask if I want to do anything. Recently I’ve been saying no. He’ll tell me if he wants to do something. If neither of us want to do something then it’s a do what you want in the house day. Yesterday, I wasted hours on MN. Then when I was bored of MN I spent hours on rightmove playing ‘what would I buy if I won the lottery’. Yesterday DH watched some football on TV, watched some other shows and then played his game. DH will ask before he plays his games - is there anything I want to watch and do I mind if he plays. If I say I do mind, he won’t play but will ask what I want us to do instead.

Yes, there are tonnes of posts about men who don’t help with the housework or kids and play their games console instead. There are also tonnes of posts of men who have an ‘outing’ hobby that aren’t doing these things either. Men will work, cycle, play golf, play/watch football, run, game too much to get out of contributing to the house from threads on here. The issue isn’t the hobby - it’s the men. Also, DH reads - playing a games console doesn’t make you incapable of reading. I fucking hate the attitude of MN that the only acceptable hobbies are reading, crafting and of course MN.

I'm a gamer my dh isn't. I don't play games when my dh is in, unless he is doing something by himself.

Sounds like a man child. I couldn’t be bothered with that