to be bored stupid by gaming husband

[mallorytower]

All he wants to do is play PlayStation games all weekend. Friday night through to Monday. He will come and watch tv with me if I ask and if I book for us to go do something, like swimming, then he will go but it’s an effort to get him out of the house. He rarely suggests doing anything outside the house. Default is PlayStation on. Constantly. I spend my weekends seeing him sat on the chair, controller in hand. I want to know where other people stand on this? Am I being controlling by not wanting it on in our house all weekend. It’s just boring. It’s like somebody watching non stop Eastenders, all weekend, every weekend, month after month. I can’t work out what other people do? Is this just normal life? Do other people’s husbands just sit and game all the time?

My DH used to game all the time. I got him to recognise it was an addiction and he prioritised it above everything else. I gave him the ultimatum, it stops and you get help or I go. It stopped. He works in the tech industry on games, so to also be on screens outside of work is bonkers and we had no relationship. Every time he starts playing a game, it becomes an obsession and everything else comes second, so over time, the whole thing is pretty much banned in this house bar a quick game if he has an evening alone because I’m out (pretty much never).

His parents never taught him to limit his gaming, he stayed off school to play games, in his adult life it caused issues at work. I have little that’s good to say about video games, they’re designed to be addictive and to encourage players to keep playing (many of them are hard to stop and save unless you’ve reached a certain point). They’re crap for anyone with poor impulse control to be on. It’s taken a long time to get to the point where my DH doesn’t play anything outside of testing the game for work in work hours, but it has benefitted us massively. I will not be allowing any video games for my children until they’re older and if they have any game time, it will be downstairs in the lounge (no bedrooms) and for a very strict set time - plus instead of television. In my opinion, it’s not controlling, it’s expecting adult behaviour from your husband. If he was using coke and you said, ‘hey that’s not cool, you have an issue with that’, then that’s acceptable. To me, video games are the same, they’re addictive, change behaviour and cause issues. To have either set times or ban them isn’t a problem when they themselves are a problem for your partner. Obviously some people can limit time and others need a full no-go, it depends on the person, but i think trying to help that person see it isn’t normal is the most important step. It’s also really hard because their ‘gamer’ friends often live the same way.

@movingonup20

9 holes of golf takes my boyfriend about 2 hours, 18 holes takes about 4 hours. I have no interest in it but like that he does that for a hobby instead of gaming as it's social and a bit of exercise.

Yep, you've married a man child. My advice would be to get out before you have children. Or go to counselling and see if he can change. Unlikely, but you never know.

@Ragwort

True, our nephew plays cricket and we often go to watch him, I'm not particularly interesting in cricket but love taking a picnic and having a chat with people (or I did in the time before the c word!)

My DH is a gamer. It's perfectly possible to game and still be a functioning, interesting, fun to be around adult and family member.

He prefers open world, RPG or problem solving games which are fine for me to watch and we chat about, because they have plots and characters and puzzles!

My non-negotiable is that if it's during the day, it has to be a game he can pause and walk away from if needed as we have two small children (4 and 1). It's fine. He also spends lots of time playing with them, we go for days out, we sort housework, we watch TV or play board games together. It doesn't impact our family life at all but, if it ever creeps that way (E.g staying up till 3am when we have an early rising toddler!) then we talk about it and he reins it in.

It's not a gaming problem, it's a husband problem you've got.

How boring, I'd find this so unattractive. I've dated one gamer before and he's been my last. Not for me.

@RaspberryToupee

SLAW funnily enough, I don’t see people replying to threads that a poster might have a screen addiction as their username seems to appear on every MN thread. Gaming though, well, that’s childish for uneducated, lazy men.

I would say the difference is however, you can take away knowledge, learn from things simply by being in this site. Learn about other people’s experiences and it might make you more sympathetic/understanding to different perspectives.

You take it that these are real people and you try to post helpful advice in the hope that it helps someone. You might not be interacting with them physically but the intent is there.

Gaming is a made up world. You can’t learn anything really....

DH has an Xbox but only buys a couple of games a year and plays that while I watch desperate housewives etc maybe 6 hours a week? If I asked him to tone it down, he would. It's a passtime, not an addiction

Firefin "As long as he lets you drag him out occasionally for walkies,theres nothing stopping you getting on with what you want"WTAF? Hes not a bloody dog! Obviously some time spent gaming is not a problem ,but hours at a time is selfish IMO.He sounds like he is addicted to the Play Station TBH. How is your relationship generally ? He sounds like he is using PS to escape into his own world .Maybe think if you want to continue with him? If you have children, then it will get worse and you will be looking after them full time on your own if youre not careful!

"I would say the difference is however, you can take away knowledge, learn from things simply by being in this site. Learn about other people’s experiences and it might make you more sympathetic/understanding to different perspectives.

You take it that these are real people and you try to post helpful advice in the hope that it helps someone. You might not be interacting with them physically but the intent is there.

Gaming is a made up world. You can’t learn anything really...."

/facepalm

No it's not normal.

Nothing wrogn with gaming as a hobby but it's notoriously addictive and that's what you have - an addict.

You get ONE life.

He either changes, or you should leave. No doubt at all.

@Pikachubaby it’s not about slagging off gamers? These quotes are from the first 1.5 pages of the thread.

I’ve always made a point of avoiding gamers. If the most interesting thing you can find to do is to shoot imaginary opponents in Advanced Recon Fighter Fuckwit VI while sitting in an armchair, then you are just not my type of person. And no, it’s not the same as reading. Obviously we can only have high quality hobbies, like reading and MN as the posted is on MN.

He is like an overgrown child, when you want to have wine and conversation with a real man, a grown up.

Yes agreed. There is something rather sad and desperate about a fully grown adult who is incapable of doing anything other than sit there passively, joystick in hand, immersed in a world of cartoon violence nonsense which renders him mute and unable to interact with other people.

But I agree that there is something that seems a little 'odd' about gaming but obviously many mumsnetters will disagree, my DH spends time playing golf or cycling which many find odd but, in my opinion, that is outside, in the fresh air, being with other people, involved in the committee etc.

I’ve already said, it’s not the hobby but the man that is the problem.

@TableFlowerss when DH plays with his friends online, he has discussions with them about any number of things. He and his friends are across a number of different industries and they have used that time to have discussions about how brexit is affecting their industry. Of course, people come here for the discussion, which is AIBU and baby name threads are the most popular.

Gaming is a made up world. You can’t learn anything really.... So are books (although that’s an accepted past time so make believe is fine?) and films and quite a few TV shows. So are some threads on here...

If you mind then it matters.
My partner is a gamer and if he's not gaming he'll watch other people gaming on YouTube. He always has. I love him and I don't mind. His job is quite stressful and he quit smoking I think it gives him something to focus on.
It is monkey see monkey do though and our daughters like gaming now (4 & 6) it's quite comical, he bought the PlayStation saying we could use it as a family (he said it tongue in cheek) and now it's bitten him on the bum!

Yanbu

Some will be ok with it but I’d hate that.

I would say the difference is however, you can take away knowledge, learn from things simply by being in this site.

Oh yeah definitely. I mean, I never knew what a penis beaker was but I’m fully educated on the subject now like. It’s a fucking hive mind of Mensa candidates on here love

Gamers get a bad rep on here. Video games are great. But this is selfish and not normal. He's disengaged from your relationship. My partner is more into gaming than me. However he plays for a bit of time on a morning as he get up early and is Wfh now. He then might play on the switch when we're chilling on the sofa on an evening. But not always and I definitely don't feel it takes over our life. I think that's the big thing here.

I don't think watching TV, as passive as that can be, is addictive like gaming often is. I truly don't know anyone who makes a habit of regularly staying up much too late and foregoing other activities for TV watching to the extent that some gamers do. People don't seem so angry if force to stop watching a TV programme either. I know they say gaming is interactive etc but I'm not convinced that makes it better...it's the addictive element.

Obviously many people game sensibly but a significant number don't and yes, I do think it's a problem for relationships and real world skills, and if I were dating I'd be very careful if someone was a gamer. It is potentially addictive and destructive so I'd need to know whether this person could do it as a hobby without it taking over their ability to organise and proactively do anything else.

@RaspberryToupee, I am actually slagging off gaming. It's very often a sign of a maladjusted, juvenile personality with poor impulse control, who ultimately prefers shooting imaginary baddies to anything that's going on in the rest of his (usually his) life -- and is to the detriment of that life. And if you think it's anything like reading, then you really don't read. I can't speak for tv, as I don't really watch and we've spent the last year living somewhere without a TV, but I imagine the difference is that even for people who spend all their leisure time watching TV, it does not require the same level of concentration or deliver the same addictive high that makes chronic gamers so frankly tiresome to be around.

Taking drugs is a hobby according to a recent thread on here, I personally would rather my husband play computer games

My DH and I spend a couple of hours most nights doing our own thing on our laptops - in his case watching old war films, in mine Mumsnetting, watching Netflix or playing Homescapes. I also use my VR headset - but I would never spend the entire weekend doing it and DH would rightly be pissed off if I did.

We also do things together. I’d hate it if we didn’t. And DH does do housework.

ExH was a "gamer", I hated it. I did like to game a bit too, but not hours on end. He would literally sit there and was completely sucked up with the game, he couldn't hold a conversation whilst gaming, he couldn't pause it and come off to help out with anything. Doorbell would ring but he couldn't get up and answer the door. He would get angry if I tried to hoover the front room when he was in there. A struggle to get him to do anything with the kids at weekends, thing sonly happened when I took the initiative to plan things. He did no housework because all his time was taken up by gaming.

It's not the gaming itself that's the problem, it's when they can't handle it and let everything go around them.

It was horrible. We are divorced now.

Should add we both also read.

Also just to address other points on the thread. Games are not just point and shoot. There are some fun engaging independent and big name games out there. Ones with thought provoking stories and the need to make decisions which are interesting and challenging. There are also some great big name games such as animal crossing that have a lovely relaxing quality and a really solid community of sharing tips and ideas.

Pp's saying a man who enjoys pointing and shooting is unappealing are just showing their ignorance.

[quote Sundries]@RaspberryToupee, I am actually slagging off gaming. It's very often a sign of a maladjusted, juvenile personality with poor impulse control, who ultimately prefers shooting imaginary baddies to anything that's going on in the rest of his (usually his) life -- and is to the detriment of that life. And if you think it's anything like reading, then you really don't read. I can't speak for tv, as I don't really watch and we've spent the last year living somewhere without a TV, but I imagine the difference is that even for people who spend all their leisure time watching TV, it does not require the same level of concentration or deliver the same addictive high that makes chronic gamers so frankly tiresome to be around.[/quote]
I don't think you understand what video games are. Your post is obviously indended to make you appear intellectual. But honesty your assumptions make you look daft.

If we're playing the game, both me and my partner are educated to postgraduate level. (1st and distinction) so your implication g as ming for simpletons is simply wrong.

[quote Sundries]@RaspberryToupee, I am actually slagging off gaming. It's very often a sign of a maladjusted, juvenile personality with poor impulse control, who ultimately prefers shooting imaginary baddies to anything that's going on in the rest of his (usually his) life -- and is to the detriment of that life. And if you think it's anything like reading, then you really don't read. I can't speak for tv, as I don't really watch and we've spent the last year living somewhere without a TV, but I imagine the difference is that even for people who spend all their leisure time watching TV, it does not require the same level of concentration or deliver the same addictive high that makes chronic gamers so frankly tiresome to be around.[/quote]
yep that is clearly me.

I may well be a qualified accountant and doing a second degree now at nearly 50 in law, but yes, a maladjusted juvenile personality with poor impluse control!

seems like a lot of women just don't seem to have hobbies they get really involved in - but you could have a female athetete say and they'd be just as obsessed, same for those into football.