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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

223 replies

ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 16:12

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 04/10/2020 16:15

Leave. Dont just think about it, do it. This is no life for you.

Dozer · 04/10/2020 16:16

LTB.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 04/10/2020 16:16

I’d leave too.

Rhubardandcustard · 04/10/2020 16:17

What do you get out of this relationship op? It sounds like he needed a housekeeper/babysitter and you fitted the job description.

SBTLove · 04/10/2020 16:18

Do your SC live with you? why are you doing the parenting? they’re his kids, you’re not a live in nanny.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2020 16:18

I would be leaving because all of this is going to get so much worse. He married you so you could be his skivvy. You take care of the house, his children, help with his business, and he doesn't even attempt to show you any love, appreciation, or consideration. Deal breakers, all of it. I would be going before the baby arrives and things get even more contentious and complicated.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/10/2020 16:18

What's the point of this marriage? It doesn't enhance your life in any way.

You don't have children together. Don't get pregnant.

Leave.

Lineofconcepcion · 04/10/2020 16:18

Why stay? Sounds as though you're his housekeeper/nanny service.

User36258 · 04/10/2020 16:19

I’d leave too - don’t throw good years after bad. See it as a blessing that you realised early enough to get out and live your life with joy.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2020 16:19

Don't let how long you've been married stop you from going

Have you told him how fed up you are?

Can you support you and baby if you leave?

HaggisBurger · 04/10/2020 16:19

It sounds utterly grim. Presumably though he wasn’t always like this with you? Does it make you wonder why his first marriage/LTR broke up?

I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that you will leave if this isn’t made significantly better. Sounds like no life at all Flowers

GettingUntrapped · 04/10/2020 16:20

Take a step back and see him and your situation as it actually is.
He sounds toxic, like he would suck the life out of you. Don't do that to yourself.

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/10/2020 16:20

If you left he would have to look after his children do all the cooking and house work.

I’d move out for a few weeks and let him process the aftermath!!

Then renegotiate his time.

emptyshelvesagain · 04/10/2020 16:21

It took me less than a year to realise my error. I asked him to leave (we were living with my family and saving for a house) and haven't looked back.

ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 16:21

Like all I asked for this morning was to go on a walk with the dog whilst the weather was nice. I just get 'you can if you want to' and he just sits on the sofa all day because he's too tired.

I went out with my mum instead because I was just too fed up and couldn't stand the thought of sitting in all day.

I've got back and he's in a mood because there is 'tension' between us and I said well yes because you woke up in a foul mood like always. And he's now stormed off to...... Work.

It feels so hard to admit failure though after such a short time.

He can never see it from my point of view though. He just thinks I don't understand how tired he is, I'm not supportive, I just don't get it.

I think he doesn't get that sometimes when you have a family, especially one involving kids, you have to do shit sometimes you don't necessarily want to do so that they can actually have a nice time.

OP posts:
Newkitchen123 · 04/10/2020 16:21

Doesn't sound like there's much in it for you

hammeringinmyhead · 04/10/2020 16:22

@Rhubardandcustard

What do you get out of this relationship op? It sounds like he needed a housekeeper/babysitter and you fitted the job description.
This. Whose idea was the baby? I'm betting yours, or if he suggested it it was so you'd be stuck in being mum to his baby so may as well chuck in the stepkids to your responsibilities too.
Readr · 04/10/2020 16:25

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls
Well, he does not sound like he is bored. Could you not find a hobby that you can do while he's working on his business?

ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 16:26

It's hard because as a PP said, he wasn't always like this. This business has literally sucked the life out of our relationship. I am proud of what he's done building it from scratch but it's like nothing else matters to him now.

I honestly think if I said it's me or the business (I wouldn't but hypothetical) he'd choose the business.

He is happy in the week, when he's been at work. When he gets home in the evenings he's like the old him. But at the weekends, when he actually has to spend a full day with us not working it's like it's the worst thing in the world to him. He's just so miserable and boring.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2020 16:26

When's the baby die op? He'll be a million times worse when baby is waking him up in the night, even though you'll be doing it all.

whatisheupto · 04/10/2020 16:27

The 'work' is just a very useful excuse for not having to bother doing anything. He doesnt wsnt to spend time with you or the kids. He just wants free childcare, cooking, washing, shopping and cleaning done. LT selfish B.

Needingsupportplease · 04/10/2020 16:27

Id leave too, don't have children. Life is too short, go live it.

ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 16:28

@Readr

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls Well, he does not sound like he is bored. Could you not find a hobby that you can do while he's working on his business?
If I found a hobby to do when he was working I'd never be home. He goes in at 6am and doesn't get home until about 6/7 most nights.

Then he works Saturday most of the time too. If I can't have the kids he'll just take them with him and they sit there bored.

OP posts:
Phillycheesesteak · 04/10/2020 16:28

Iv sent you a private message

Ragwort · 04/10/2020 16:29

What a sad situation, I doubt it will get any better ... is he looking forward to the baby? Did he genuinely want another child? Maybe you would be better getting out now and focussing on being a single parent.