To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

[ChatterNatters]

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

@OhTheRoses

Hmm. I don't know op. We had fertility problems although I was not 30s and had had a career first. DH is a workaholic and I coped with the dc alone a lot. But I never resented it and could always tell him to buck up or belt up.

30 years on dc (now grown up) he is funded a very very privileged lifestyle and we have both compromised to take care of each other but for the most part I did home and kids and he did making bucks (although I have worked full time for the last 14/15 years - for me, not money) ............

So different from this. They aren’t her dc, they are his and he is a shit dad; she is building his business too, on top of her job and for zero appreciation or wage and I don’t count a small monthly top up expressly so she can put it on bills; she can’t tell him to buckle up or belt up, she tried that and he said this is me you can carry on as secretary admin staff housekeeper and nanny while I moan and grump or you can piss of (so she extremely sensibly left). There’s no compromise here, it’s a terrible relationship.

Leave, he'll never make you happy

"I put it to him like this: if I broke my leg, I couldn't look after the children, do housework, cooking, washing etc. Naturally, you would step up and help me with those things because after all, I have a broken leg. However, if I didn't see a doctor about my broken leg, and just continued kn letting you pick up the slack of all the things I couldn't do, you would start to get resentful. A broken leg isn't going to get better over night, and you'd be fully prepared to support me while it got better, but you could not mentally and physically take on the entire load of our family/house indefinitely just because I wouldn't see somebody about getting my leg fixed, and potentially make my leg worse leading me to need to rely on you more.

I have fully supported my dh, and empathised with his depression. But I've made it perfectly clear i will only support him whilst he is working on getting better. I don't expect it to be quick, I don't expect it to be straight forward or without setbacks but I do expect him to work on it as best he can and I'll be here no questions asked to help and support him anyway I can. But I point blank refuse to enable him to carry on like nothing is wrong while the rest of us also suffer."

I was the DH in this situation. This was the right approach for me. I have never fully understood the reluctance to seek help for MH, but what I had become blinkered to was how many wider options there were in my life --- I thought I was on a tightrope, and I wasn't. Therapy helped me see that. The tightrope made me very anxious and avoidant. Once I'd changed perspectives it was a great relief to me, and, I am sure, my family.

Good luck OP. You don't need to sacrifice yourself either.

Youve only waisted one year being married to him, end it now and safe the rest of your life. Imagine this man as a father to your kids. He already has kids and neglects them. And your life is boring beyond believe. And it will only get worse.

He treats you appallingly.

You work full time (as a lawyer l may add), do his admin/accounts/meet clients to help him in his business, look after your SC when he’s working and most probably do all the chores, food shopping and cooking.

This is not a life, but merely an existence to enable him.

You may well be pregnant, but you need to leave. Especially after his comments tonight!

The only reason why he is calling and messaging you is, he has realised that his slave will not be there to facilitate his cushy life.

My friend left her husband after they had been married about ten months and they had a child together who was just under two at the time.

She was so worried what people would think but all her closest friends and family knew she was making the right decision so we gave her the support she needed. Her story wasn’t too dissimilar to yours, not the business side of it, but a husband who didn’t want to engage with her, their child or family life, she was always walking on eggshells, he thought he was all that mattered etc.

He was never the best before they married and then it went further downhill after the wedding.

That was about 2 years ago now and her Ex barely has anything to do with his son, and although it a sad outcome in that respect, my friend and her boy are so, so much happier and they have wonderful and happy life together.

You can do this OP

You will end up parenting three children indefinitely, and he will do absolutely nothing to help. This will only get worse, and worse.

I am sorry it turned out this way, but you will be far happier with the support of your family to raise your baby on your own - he will break you in the end with his indifference, lack of help and lack of love.

You will come back from this, but don't let it take your twenty years to find that out. Be strong

I think you have two choices.

Speak with him about your concerns and how serious this is. Ask him to set aside one day / half a day at the weekend for an activity with you / his children. Tell him that if he feels depressed he should seek help (GP) as that is the only way he is going to feel better. Be really clear and specific about what you are asking him to do. Then set a date (in your head...don’t tell him) by which he needs to have made changes. If that date comes and things have improved then great, if they haven’t improved then you need to think about what you are going to do.

The bit that worries me the most is that he isn’t looking after his children. Does he ever express how he feels about being a Dad? Does he feel as though he is a rubbish parent and therefore doesn’t make an effort because he thinks he is rubbish anyway? I’m wondering if your pregnancy has just heightened this for him and he feels he is only successful at work and not in any other area of his life, hence the fact he invests heavily in his job.

I’m also wondering how your relationship came into being and how his previous relationship ended? If he feels he has failed at being a partner / parent first time round then you can see how he may have ‘written off’ this part of his life and focuses instead on work which at least makes him feel ‘competent’.

You are married to a selfish arsehole and you are enabling him to abuse you and his children.
Stop.
Stop looking after his kids. (This will be difficult.)
Stop helping his business.
Let him fail without you. (He is happy to take credit for all you do.)
Let him realise that you are walking away.
Let him realise that what he WANTS is not important right now.
He is Mr Excuses.

Glad you are being looked after.
You don't need to make any decisions just yet. Use the time to get some mental space.
Does he only have the kids at weekends? If so, I'd stay away at least a week so he HAS to engage with them and see how much you do. You can still be civil and meet elsewhere, but no going back to the house to pick up his slack.
I knew within a year of being married I'd done the wrong thing. I'm ten years in and feel trapped. Wish I'd had the courage to go then before I'd be ground down.

I would definitely stay away the next two weekends while I thought and let dh experience family life and running his business wihtout all my unpaid and unacknowledged help.
I probably wouldn’t go back after that either unless it’s my house to start with, to start the separation.

It is possible for him to cut down on his hours, take you out, get more involved - all of those things he can change.

The one thing that bothers me more than all of that is his utter neglect and indifference to his own children, I am afraid that really isn't simple to fix. He has not bonded nor does he care about their wellbeing. I feel so sorry for them, that in itself is a form of abuse.

I don't think he will be any different with your baby, and a child that is not loved or cared for properly by parents they often go on to develop serious issues. I personally would not want to inflict that on my children.

Additionally I would consider talking to the children's mother about his lack of engagement, the children would be better off staying at home than sat in his house being ignored. I hope their mother is a better parent.

Additionally I would consider talking to the children's mother about his lack of engagement, the children would be better off staying at home than sat in his house being ignored. I hope their mother is a better parent.

I was going to suggest the same thing. Would be interesting to find if they split for the same thing. Hope you're feeling OK and your mum is looking after you

If I were you op I would be focusing entirely on the health of my baby, and keeping my stress levels as far as possible to an absolute minimum.

Your health and wellbeing have to come first, because you are pregnant, and whatever you decide to do - however it works out, everything you do now should be directed towards keeping yourself calm and well.

This will work out one way or another. It will. I am so happy you have a loving family to care for you both

I think it is important to think of the well-being of the stepchildren from their perspective. Could you try to speak to their mother and let her know that they are not being stimulated and encouraged when with their dad? Perhaps, suggest your husband books some activities for them: a climbing wall; watersports, dance, all day clubs, or something else they can do socially-distanced whilst he concentrates on keeping the business going. The business sounds to be doing well and so there hopefully would be funds for this. Activities will make the down time the sc have at home less miserable. This will set up the habit, and if you do split up, you will have the peace of mind of knowing that you have put something in place to help them.

If you decide to stay with your husband, maybe factor in a nanny to the budgeting, so that you and he can be securely aware of how the finances would work, with you going back to your job, and him working very hard to support three children. If you stay, then knowing about his business will be helpful if you want to help him to grow it and put your law career on hold while you care for your baby and work part-time for your husband, saving him some expense in terms of staff.

If your husband's behaviour is so unreasonable that you need to leave, you really must do so, but try to keep things amicable enough to be able to discuss money constructively and to build a stable financial arrangement. The thought of yourself having a tiny baby to care for and him, separated from you, being depressed and maybe finding working hard to cope with is a situation which sounds financially precarious, unless you know that your mother will help out with lots of childcare.

I hope you got some sleep and maybe a bit of clarity.

From the step kids point of view, they will have been excited about a new sibling, and will have formed fond feelings for you, OP. I think it will be worth speaking to the wider family, the sc mother, your mother-in-law, uncles, to put support in place for those poor kids and have someone else in the house with DH and his kids at the weekend. These kids deserve some planned stability. Unless you are sure, OP, that dh is being lazy and sure he can step up to parent them, I wouldn't focus on making a grand point about your usefulness to your husband if it could be at the expense of their emotional wellbeing. If dh is on the edge of a breakdown, it will be awful for his poor kids, and if school close for a period due to lockdown, concerns may not be noted. I think you should talk through the whole situation with your GP.

@Diverseopinions - well I can see from your username that you like to be the contrarian but have you honestly read the full thread??

Probably I haven't read it deeply enough, Annasgirl , and you're right to point it out, and if I haven't, apologies. OP needs to look after and protect herself and her unborn baby and get some rest at her mum's house. She needs to leave an abusive relationship or one where he partner is unreasonable. I just worry about the idea of, without warning any other family members to step in, straight away, as of now, leaving DH in the lurch with the intention of shocking him into realising how much responsibility she has been taking on. I worry he might do something stupid and leave the kids in his car for three hours, or unattended at home and they are young; and if he is experiencing mental health issues, he might be reluctant to tell his family his wife has walked out.

I may have missed something, but I can't work out if DH's ex is a responsible person, nor how often and for how long DH is required to care for his kids.Perhaps his ex isn't coping and that's why OP has been requested to do so much. It sounds like the situation has deteriorated, because itust have been better when OP entered marriage.

@DiverseOpinions - how is it OP's responsibility to ensure "planned stability" for her step-children?

that (along with a whole other long list) is their father's responsibility.

I think OP should tell a family member or her GP that DH is behaving in a depressed and withdrawn manner and that she is worried about his capacity to parent his children effectively at the present time. She has been in situ witnessing the consequences of his behaviour and its effect on the children's morale, and so she is the one best placed to tell others exactly how disinterested, withdrawn, affected by his moods, unreasonable and unable to cope he is. This is her responsibility because she is in a position to know about it.

This would allow DH family and that of his ex, to put in place some sensible plans to make sure the kids have someone to support them in OP place, and hopefully an alternative place to go to - such a grandparent's house - when their mother is requiring willing adults to help with childcare.

. We are all responsible for looking out for the welfare of the children with whom we come into contact.

So what if you've made a mistake. We all have, nobody is infallible. What's important is your realisation that this situation is cruddy and the only way you can change it is to leave. You can't change your husband, he alone is responsible for how he behaves. He is a TERRIBLE father and that will not change. He messed up the first time, he has messed up a second time and I don't doubt that he will find another woman to step in to look after and parent his children, because he's just not interested in doing that.

He has made mistakes exponentially larger than yours OP and he doesn't care, because what he wants comes first. This is not about the business he has built up, it's about his personality and how much responsibility and consideration he has for the children he helped create. Your husband just doesn't want to be involved with his children, and I'm sorry to say I agree with PP that he was looking for a housekeeper and babysitter so that he doesn't have to be bothered with mundane chores like interacting with his kids and making their dinners!

It is possible to run your own business and still be involved in family home life and parenting, my DH has a full time job, plus his own business and still does his fair share and makes dinners, helps with homework, he chooses to be involved as your husband has chosen not to.

You are worth more than that. Please don't go back to him, you deserve far better.

As sad as I am for your predicament OP, I am sadder still for his children.

It colours your whole life.