To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

[ChatterNatters]

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

@Roselilly36, I disagree with the idea it can’t possibly a 9-5 job.
I’m saying that as a business owner myself.
And as someone who has seen many family members doing exactly that.

Yes there are periods where you need to work more. But you can chose too.
I’ve yet to see someone unhappy because a business owner isn’t available 24/7 IF you have had some boundaries around your availability yourself.

Hang on a minute, this guy was once the love of your life,so centyral and important that you married him not long ago !

Be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water..

What i see here is strain, and depression. The guy is trying to get a business going in difficult times. Who knows what difficulties he is not telling ou about?

Its not ideal but dont hit the eject button just yet just because things have got tough

Has Covid 19 affected your partner? Does he feel that he has to make this business strong to provide money for his kids from a previous marriage, the new baby and you when you are on maternity leave and maybe, in the future, going part-time? . Is he being very dutiful - in his head at any rate - and getting a skewed picture of the balance needed to make all of the family happy.

It is a scary time for everybody re the worrying talk about the economy. In fairness, having little money and a new baby is not going to put a smile on anyone's face, so it's worth trying to bring out the old merry person you fell in love with. Is he a pessimist and a worrier?

I think I would start by talking with him about family finances, and how you family/ work life will progress, in your mind, as you see it. Look at scope for adjusting things to show him he doesn't need to put every atom of energy into his business.
Having many emails to reply to suggests that his new business has winning potential. If he is an honest, reliable, hardworking individual in most ways, I would give him a chance to change, and think of which individual, agency, organisation might be able to guide him and help him to see that he could afford to take his mind off business, find ways to make it less labour intensive, and give himself to family-building, for some of the time.
I should think that if he knew that you were thinking of leaving him, that he would step up and persuade you to stay and also change his work/life balance. Wouldn't running two households be very much more financially stressful and also upsetting for the kids?

his first marriage ended for a reason, and I suspect he just isn't the type to be committed to marriage

@Ideasplease322 I also relate to this too, run a business and it honestly feels like I'm in prison most of the time and any time to myself quite often depressed.

I would pack a bag and go an stay with your mum.

It will get much worse when baby arrives. You will end up doing all the night wakings with baby as he will be ‘tired’ and ‘have a big important job’ whilst you are at home doing ‘nothing’ all day.

I found maternity leave mind numbing. At the end of the day I was desperate for my DH to get home so I could actually speak to another adult. I had a Velcro baby that would be put down all day. For the whole of my maternity leave I didn’t get to sit down and drink a hot cup of tea. Do not under any circumstances give up your job and become a SAHM. You will be more resentful after having a baby as you will be doing 100% childcare and 100% of the housework with zero leisure time for you and zero couple time.

Hi again so I've just spoken to him.

He's said he feels depressed at weekends. So I said okay well what can we do about that then, maybe he could see or speak to someone? No. He doesn't want to do that.

So I said how am I supposed to help if he won't speak to me? (If I try and ask him what's wrong when he's moody at the weekend he blows up). He said he doesn't want to speak about it.

So I said okay well what is it that you're wanting me to do? And all he kept saying was be more supportive but I couldn't understand how he was wanting me to do that? He won't speak to me, he won't speak to someone else, he makes me feel like he hates me by the way he acts on these days so essentially what I feel like he's saying is put up or shut up.

I said that to him and he basically just said it's how he is so I can stay or go.

I said okay I'll go then and went to leave and he was begging me not to, trying to hug me etc... I've left and now sat in my car not knowing what to do.

I don't want to be unsupportive if he's depressed. But as a PP said, what am I supposed to do if he refuses to seek help himself? He was basically saying he's not going to do anything about it and so if I want to be supportive I'll just get used to it.

Re the business, he's not been affected by Covid (thankfully), he's actually done amazingly well throughout, his area hasn't been one of the ones really hit by it and he's made steady income, increase actually throughout. I deal with all his accounts, I pay his invoices, have access to the accounts etc.. so I know what goes in and out, he's not lying about that and there aren't money worries in that sense.

For those asking if I do all this for free, I've done so since this business started yes. I was always the one doing the admin, doing the accounts, liaising with customers, speaking to the accountant. Recently, very very recently he started paying me a couple of hundred a month but that was only because I was furloughed and so was losing some of my wage and needed it for our bills. He likes to use this now as a reason why he doesn't need to be grateful.

Oh that was another thing actually, he shouldn't need to be grateful because I'm only doing what anyone in a relationship would do.

I asked him to think of something he does for me that's solely for me, like I do for him and he couldn't.

He's now texting me asking me to come back etc...

Omg please leave him asap

If doable, before having the baby . Get a flat or stay at a relatives while you look for/sort a flat out

Those poor stepkids being palmed off because he can't be arsed.. they aren't you responsibility though so don't feel guilty about that

Focus 100% on what's best for you and baby

My husband was identical to this right down to the new business.

I had two kids with him and left when they were 18mths and 4 years old because he was sucking the joy out of their childhood.

I'll shout this but so it doesn't get lost...
DON'T BE ASHAMED YOU FAILED- BE PROUD THAT YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO ADMIT YOUR MISTAKE.

That's what my mum told me.

Tell him you’re not prepared to come back unless he’s prepared to actually discuss this properly.

is it possible to be depressed on the weekends only. Sounds very selective. Did he explain exactly what it is about the weekend?

Ps. I'm not furloughed now and haven't been for a while.

I also work in a high stress job (law) but he's said before I just sit on my arse all day so don't understand being tired.

I appreciate I probably don't understand exactly what it's like running a business but I am trying so so hard to do everything in my power to make it easier on him. I don't know what more I can do.

But the one thing I need from him in return, just a little bit of his time and for him to not make me feel like shit with his moods whenever we get to spend a day together and he just cba.

@NW2SW

is it possible to be depressed on the weekends only. Sounds very selective. Did he explain exactly what it is about the weekend?

He said he thinks he's happy in the week because work distracts him.

Is there anywhere you can go OP?

If you were my daughter/sister/friend I would look after you, even if you just turned up out of the blue.

He doesn't want you to go because he will miss his free nanny/book keeper/domestic skivvy

Best thing you can do is keep somewhere else tonight.

Oh and also that I was depressed when going through the fertility issues and he supported me was one of the things he said.

Which actually really really isn't true. He never wanted to talk about it and would actually regularly turn it into an argument if I brought it up because he didn't want to 'keep going over it'. Add to that that I actually did go and see a Dr, got medication and got myself to a counsellor. I don't think it's really fair to compare it. I tried to help myself and he actually wasn't very easy to talk to about it at all, he made me feel worse more often than not when I tried and he knows this because I told him at the time that I didn't feel able to speak to him because he got angry about it.

Hang on a minute, this isn't even a joint business and he doesn't treat your income as joint? *I was furloughed and so was losing some of my wage and needed it for our bills

@ChatterNatters

Hi again so I've just spoken to him.

He's said he feels depressed at weekends. So I said okay well what can we do about that then, maybe he could see or speak to someone? No. He doesn't want to do that.

So I said how am I supposed to help if he won't speak to me? (If I try and ask him what's wrong when he's moody at the weekend he blows up). He said he doesn't want to speak about it.

So I said okay well what is it that you're wanting me to do? And all he kept saying was be more supportive but I couldn't understand how he was wanting me to do that? He won't speak to me, he won't speak to someone else, he makes me feel like he hates me by the way he acts on these days so essentially what I feel like he's saying is put up or shut up.

I said that to him and he basically just said it's how he is so I can stay or go.

I said okay I'll go then and went to leave and he was begging me not to, trying to hug me etc... I've left and now sat in my car not knowing what to do.

I don't want to be unsupportive if he's depressed. But as a PP said, what am I supposed to do if he refuses to seek help himself? He was basically saying he's not going to do anything about it and so if I want to be supportive I'll just get used to it.

Re the business, he's not been affected by Covid (thankfully), he's actually done amazingly well throughout, his area hasn't been one of the ones really hit by it and he's made steady income, increase actually throughout. I deal with all his accounts, I pay his invoices, have access to the accounts etc.. so I know what goes in and out, he's not lying about that and there aren't money worries in that sense.

For those asking if I do all this for free, I've done so since this business started yes. I was always the one doing the admin, doing the accounts, liaising with customers, speaking to the accountant. Recently, very very recently he started paying me a couple of hundred a month but that was only because I was furloughed and so was losing some of my wage and needed it for our bills. He likes to use this now as a reason why he doesn't need to be grateful.

Oh that was another thing actually, he shouldn't need to be grateful because I'm only doing what anyone in a relationship would do.

I asked him to think of something he does for me that's solely for me, like I do for him and he couldn't.

He's now texting me asking me to come back etc...

Tell him you need a few days to think. That it's too much, you've been doing your best but we're told today after repeatedly asking him what he needs and how you can make it work, to basically just shut up or get out. So you're getting out to have some time to think.

Your baby is your priority now - rightly so - and you want him to respect that all this stress is making you ill and overwhelmed and you need some time with your parents : friends / whoever you can stay with for a couple of nights to consider what you want to do next.

You repeatedly asked him how you could work together on improving things and until you packed your bag, he told you to leave if you didn't like it.

He's a textbook, garden variety dickhead. He's not shown you he's a good dad. He's certainly not been a good partner.

He should be careful what he wished for - he said stay becauee this is how it is, or go if you don't like it. You don't like it, that wasn't a good enough answer, so you're going. At least temporarily and god if I had my way, permanently!

If you give in to him messaging you begging you back after he basically told you to piss off if you don't like it, you're setting such a dangerous precedent.

He doesn't get to dictate your life. You have total agency over yourself. You are an autonomous adult who is not less worthy of making your own decisions than he is.

Please go somewhere at least for a few nights. He sounds like an absolute prick. They always want you back suddenly when you finally leave.

Distracts him from what - his own family and adult responsibilities?!

I'd normally take the admission of depression very seriously, but he sounds like he's using it as an excuse not to care. And verging on emotional blackmail.

I really feel for you. I know exactly how you must feel after this conversation, we've all been there, because men don't often listen to our words, until it's too late and our minds are made up.

Is there anywhere you can go tonight to sit and chat with a family member or friend?

Best wishes my dear. Never forget that you are all that you and the baby really need. I promise!

It seems like as you yourself suspect your biological clock made you stay in a relationship that was quite clearly a bad one and now you are pregnant you've realised what you've done. Cut your losses.

But the one thing I need from him in return, just a little bit of his time and for him to not make me feel like shit with his moods whenever we get to spend a day together and he just cba.

No. No no no. Stop setting your bar so low!!! You're saying all he needs to do is basically not speak to you like shit. That's it?! Come on woman, he's shown you what a terrible partner and shit dad he is. You need to leave before the baby arrives or you'll feel more trapped. Build your own life and focus on coparenting your baby, not pandering to him and thinking that some scraps of attention and him not speaking to you like shit means he's a suitable partner!

OP, can you go stay at family, friends, or a hotel for a night or two?

I reckon it would do you a power of good to be able to clear your head, and possibly he might have a good hard think.

He's on a very nice wicket with you. Is there anything as beneficial in this game for you?

@TorkTorkBam

It seems like as you yourself suspect your biological clock made you stay in a relationship that was quite clearly a bad one and now you are pregnant you've realised what you've done. Cut your losses.

Yes this is how I've been thinking today. Not necessarily the biological clock as I am only mid twenties. But with everything I went through fertility wise (we lost a lot of babies before this one), it was just such a huge distraction that I didn't really see it as much or perhaps didn't want to see it.

Oh dear, where is his ex in all this? Surely if she's aware of his attitude to her children, why does she allow them to be subjected to his emotional abuse? There will come a point when they will no longer want to visit him. Given you're parenting her children, are you on speaking terms sufficient to find out if his personality has changed.
Could he be suffering from poor health, underlying diabetes, chest pain? Is the business secure? There's a lot of underlying conditions that can cause excessive tiredness.
But certainly now you are having his child, you will have future recourse to financial support so that too might be stressing him out.
Life is too short to waste