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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

223 replies

ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 16:12

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

OP posts:
Runningdownthathill · 04/10/2020 16:51

Sounds like this might have been the reason his first marriage failed. He’s selfish. Leave him now before you waste more of your life. It sounds absolutely miserable.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2020 16:52

I implore you to leave before you get too heavily pregnant and physically limited. There is absolutely no shame in ending a marriage that is clearly not working. I have known several people who ended their marriage after barely a year, one was just 7 months in, and there was no judgment to be had by anyone. These things happen all the time and it is not a failure. Every single one of these people say leaving was the best decision they ever made.

The only tragedy to be had would be for you to waste any more time being miserable.

sunshinerays · 04/10/2020 16:53

I haven't read the full thread but I don't get why posters always say 'just leave' - I mean, perhaps talk about it first and try and resolve the situation and tel him if he doesn't sort it THEN you'll leave.

Posters are so quick to offer advice to break up families and it's ridiculous. I'm not saying he's right, he obviously needs to make some drastic changes but maybe he's very stressed at the business or it's affecting his mental health. I'm not saying there's an excuse and it should make his behaviour OK but particularly where there's a family involved, communication comes before leaving IMO

Whataloadof2020 · 04/10/2020 16:54

There’s only so much support we can give, but when they refuse to see what effect it is having on us, what’s the point.

It’s exhausting trying to be the happy one especially when we are struggling.

A bit of attention is it too much to ask?

notapizzaeater · 04/10/2020 16:54

Is the business making money ? Could / would he pay for someone t9 pick some of it up ? Has he always been like this ?

Rightthen24 · 04/10/2020 16:57

Having a baby the hardest thing in the world, it will test your relationship to pretty much breaking point. I would leave now, can you go and stay with your mum for abit, maybe just for a break to see if things can be sorted out. If not, it's a permanent separation.

mbosnz · 04/10/2020 16:59

@allsunshinerays

If you read the thread, you'll see that the OP has tried to talk to him.

I am not quick to say LTB, but when this man is putting absolutely nothing into his wife and pre-existing children, but on the contrary, sucking the goddamned life out of her, as she supports him in his business after working a full day, and parenting his children so they don't feel the full impact of his neglect - I'm sorry, she has to look after herself and her unborn child.

cakeandchampagne · 04/10/2020 16:59

Lucky you! You’ve only invested one year in an unreasonably DifficultHusband!

You & your baby can have a much happier life than this arrangement.

Inpeace · 04/10/2020 17:00

What’s the reason you go in and do his emails/admin?

sarahc336 · 04/10/2020 17:04

He seems to get a lot from you, childcare, you help with his job, you tread on ecg shells for him etc, but I'm not hearing a single thing you get from him. How on earth had he managed it so you simply look after his children whilst he does all his work with no questions asked? That's not a very balanced relationship I'm sorry to say op xx

Laiste · 04/10/2020 17:09

Is the step kids mum on the scene?

Just interested in what would happen re: his share of the childcare if you leave.

I left a disengaged husband. But i left struggled on for 14 years before i did. Don't string it out OP.

SoulofanAggron · 04/10/2020 17:10

I suggest stopping giving him everything, because he's not truly appreciating what you do, or you as a person.

Stop doing his work for him for free, both in his business and with his kids.

Making plans to leave would be a wise move I think. This 'life' is no fun for you. xxx

WoolyMammoth55 · 04/10/2020 17:10

Hi OP - I think you need to tell him he sees a couple's counsellor with you or you'll leave. Let him decide if he cares enough to do the work.

Me & my DH have had rough times but he's always cared enough to go to counselling with me when we've needed it (twice now) and it's always helped to re-set us, help me see what's a temporary MH issue for him and what's just him... If this is a change for your DH vs pre-business then hopefully you can the 'real him' back - but only if he's willing to put the effort in, for you and for your marriage.

If he's not, then you and the baby will be happier on your own - promise

Ilovemypantry · 04/10/2020 17:11

@thepeopleversuswork

What's the point of this marriage? It doesn't enhance your life in any way.

You don't have children together. Don't get pregnant.

Leave.

Too late!
TeaAndHobnob · 04/10/2020 17:13

For a start you need to stop helping with the business - he shows you no appreciation for freeing up his time. A normal husband would spend that free time with his wife and children, but yours doesn't.

You're not asking for anything unreasonable. You facilitate his whole life - look after his children, look after the house, cook, clean, help with the business. What does he do to facilitate yours?

Nothing I bet. Save your energy for your baby and tell him it's over. Your free time needs to be spent on creating a new life for your and your child.

DeciduousPerennial · 04/10/2020 17:14

Write a list of all the things you do for him and that he gets from you - all the things you’ve said here. The practical things, the not practical things, the big things, the little things - all of it. Every single thing. Include filling the void he leaves with his children.

Write another list of all the things you don’t get from him, but need. Not just you, but his unborn child, and your stepchildren. Include the consequences of him not stepping up and providing those things: namely that you are actively considering divorce.

Use those lists to sit down and try to have a proper conversation. If he storms off (put that on the list btw - you can’t have a proper conversation about anything) then take the lists to his work and put them on his desk with a note saying he must take responsibility for his family and his marriage and read them because things are at crunch point and it is serious.

If he still refuses to engage then I see no option for you but to start the wheels turning on a separation and then divorce.

I hope he will take his blinkers off and get his fingers out of his ears so that he will actually see and hear what is going on around him.

Pancakeorcrepe · 04/10/2020 17:14

You deserve so much better.
You have already tried talking to him, and he is not taking any heed. It doesn’t sound like this will get better, it will only get worse. Soon you will have the baby to look after and will need the support. Can you move in with your mum?

Annasgirl · 04/10/2020 17:15

@sarahc336

He seems to get a lot from you, childcare, you help with his job, you tread on ecg shells for him etc, but I'm not hearing a single thing you get from him. How on earth had he managed it so you simply look after his children whilst he does all his work with no questions asked? That's not a very balanced relationship I'm sorry to say op xx
This. My God, I get so depressed on MN when I read how little women value themselves that they put up with this. Honestly, how in God's name do these useless divorced men find a woman to mind their DC and cook and clean - with no pay!!!! It seems like they are all over the place - every second post on MN seems to be a woman tied to a man like this.

OP, please value yourself. You seem to have support as you have your mum nearby. You need to leave this man before your child arrives so that you are not doing all of this work and minding a newborn - believe me when I say that will tip you over the edge. Get sorted now before the baby arrives and you will be happier and so will your child.

Newnamenewopenme · 04/10/2020 17:18

Does he know you feel like this? Make sure he knows that it is making you unhappy and it isn’t the life that you want and give him chance to change.

It could be stress of wanting to give you a good life and him going about it all wrong. He might be miserable on a weekend because he’s worrying about not being at work to be in control of things.

But also he could just be a bellend!

Mischance · 04/10/2020 17:18

Many years ago I said to my OH that his profession was making him ill and that it was taking an unacceptable toll in all of us. I packed him off to a retreat for a week and asked him to really think about what is important in his life.

When he came back he left his professional partnership, we down-sized our home and he took on locums - we survived and he got to have some sort of family life.

You may have to think radical rather than just expressing your dissatisfaction.

Inpeace · 04/10/2020 17:20

He is showing you what his contribution to your marriage is.

So what will your contribution be - can you make a life like this if you adjust your expectations?

If he’s not home to pull his weight can your family pot afford to pay for cleaner/nursery/after school clubs/ weekend entertainment for his kids to cover some of his share of responsibility.

And his business is not a business worth having if you are free admin!

user1471538283 · 04/10/2020 17:21

The thing is many people, men included are stressed with work and still manage to look after their children and spend time with their partners because they want to. My DF was military and must have been so stressed at times but when he could he was with me. I'd leave if I were you and for now stop looking after his children

PicsInRed · 04/10/2020 17:24

You can legally move far away before baby is born, afterwards the baby rapidly becomes resident where it was born - the family court would almost certainly return the child there.

If you have family living elsewhere in the country (or out), now's the time to go.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 04/10/2020 17:27

Sorry but it sounds like he wants an unpaid nanny and admin person. Dont let that be you!

Rodigan · 04/10/2020 17:29

I really feel for you. It's not failure to end a marriage like this, it's acknowledging and valuing your needs and your child's needs and ensuring a healthy model of relationships for them. I had a short marriage, the flashes of old him were too few and far between. It is hard to leave but I'm happily married again now and so happy I was brave to prioritise a happy future! A wise mumsnetter advised me years ago about my first marriage to throw the cards up on air and see where they fall(thanks AF) I did.. he wasn't willing to compromise. Say how you feel, that you'll leave it nothing changes.

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