To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

[ChatterNatters]

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

*You can legally move far away before baby is born, afterwards the baby rapidly becomes resident where it was born - the family court would almost certainly return the child there.

If you have family living elsewhere in the country (or out), now's the time to go.*

^this

IMO, you need to lay it on the line to him.

The ball is entirely in his court and he needs to work out, is his marriage, his wife, his new child, his current children more important than his job and his business. That is not to say that his business isn't important but is it MORE important than his family?
If he puts his business above his family, then you have your answer. You know this to be the case but you can now do something to improve your life without him being in it.

I have seen that you're pregnant and also that you are not interested in the various options you have open to you at this point. If you think about it, if he is this disinterested in you prior to the baby's arrival, he is going to be even less so and more likely to move on to something else, or someONE else.

Please think with your head here, not your heart. You owe it to yourself.

If you weren’t pregnant, I would absolutely say it’s time to leave. A shared child means you have to find a way to work with him for the next couple of decades at least so barring abuse, I would try to find a way to do that. For starters, I would stop working as Unpaid labor at his business after doing your full time job. I would also pull back on what you do for the step kids. You don’t have to ignore them or refuse to do anything to care for them, but you should be the assistant not the primary carer. Stop working so hard to make his life run and then see what happens.

I wouldn’t just leave straight away, I’d talk to him first and make sure he realises what’s at stake if he doesn’t change.

Tell him that unless he makes time for you, and parents his own children (give him a list of what you need and want him to do), that you’ll leave. But don’t do it while in an argument, just have a calm chat.

Explain why, explain how you are feeling (neglected etc).
Then, if he agrees but doesn’t change, or if he changes then goes back to this behaviour, leave.

@mbosnz I thought I'd made it quite clear I hadn't RTFT

And even if I had I wasn't talking to you personally.

And even if I had RTFT has OP spelt out she's going to leave if things change? If so then I'll shut up but I believe you need clear communication before making drastic decisions

If I can't have the kids he'll just take them with him and they sit there bored.

He sounds like an absolutely shit dad. You know he is now, so I would leave before the baby arrives so you can get yourself sorted and plan around coparenting rather than being a couple.

There's literally nothing in this relationship for you and it's only going to get worse if it's like this already. It'll be harder to leave once the baby arrives as you'll be so tired that any scraps of 'help' (I suspect he's the kind of man who views any parenting as 'helping' the mum) will be too tempting to turn down and you'll end up stuck.

You really need to leave or he's going to drain you so much and it will damage your mental health.

Focus on getting independent, strong and staying well in time for your baby to arrive. Congratulations and I'm sorry he's tainted what should have been an exciting time by being such a mood hoover and so selfish.

He's shown you the kind of father he is - one you don't want to live with

You're quite right, you did make it clear you hadn't read the full thread, I apologise.

Possibly OP needs my grandmother's very direct style of communication - a frypan around the head apparently got the attention of her abusive partner that she wasn't going to take his shit anymore. It's very hard to communicate with someone who doesn't want to hear what's attempting to be communicated.

How can he even look you in the face, nor his children, when he is making it clear he is happy Monday to Saturday but "depressed" on a Sunday. I.e. the only day he has to spend with his wife and children .

Time to go back to mum.

My DH suffers from depression and gets like this and its unbearable for everyone in the house. And as much as I have sympathy for him being mentally unwell, he has to do something to get better because he is a husband and a father.

I put it to him like this: if I broke my leg, I couldn't look after the children, do housework, cooking, washing etc. Naturally, you would step up and help me with those things because after all, I have a broken leg. However, if I didn't see a doctor about my broken leg, and just continued kn letting you pick up the slack of all the things I couldn't do, you would start to get resentful. A broken leg isn't going to get better over night, and you'd be fully prepared to support me while it got better, but you could not mentally and physically take on the entire load of our family/house indefinitely just because I wouldn't see somebody about getting my leg fixed, and potentially make my leg worse leading me to need to rely on you more.

I have fully supported my dh, and empathised with his depression. But I've made it perfectly clear i will only support him whilst he is working on getting better. I don't expect it to be quick, I don't expect it to be straight forward or without setbacks but I do expect him to work on it as best he can and I'll be here no questions asked to help and support him anyway I can. But I point blank refuse to enable him to carry on like nothing is wrong while the rest of us also suffer.

Get out before baby comes. So much harder then.

Pack a bag and go to your mum.
Tell him he needs to think if he wants a family or not because you are done being his free staff member, babysitter and maid. And you are particularly done enabling him to ignore his children.

It also sounds to me like perhaps he doesn't enjoy being around kids? If this problem has arisen since the arrival of the kids perhaps you need to ask him more about that and if turns out that's the issue then I would leave for sure

He sounds like me. I work 12 hour days but still can’t get it all done, so it spills over into the weekend. When I’m not working I’m stressed and anxious about work so don’t feel I can enjoy myself.

Everyone irritates me because they don’t understand the pressure I am under.

It’s no excuse. He is very unhappy, depressed, anxious and taking it out on you and his kids.

Ask him if this is how he wants to live. If he isn’t willing to change something to make himself and everyone else happier then it’s time for you to make your own plans,

Stop doing work on the business. Explain that when the baby comes you will have no time for it so you are handing it back to him now. Then hold firm. Same on childcare.

He will either catch himself on or you will know it truly is time for you to leave.

Death knell

Are you working for his business for free ?

If so stop

I agree he is using you for free child care & free admin

He seems to out zero % into family life

Hmm.... so he went along years of trying to conceive just to tell you AFTERWARDS that you shouldn’t expect him to work less.
Which basically means you shouldn’t expect him to be a parent...

That’s harsh @ChatterNatters. Because I’m pretty sure that if he had told you that before hand, you would have looked at things differently.

The thing is, bar making it clear you expect him to PARENT this baby (which means spending time as a family) there isn’t a lot you can do.
I would prepare myself to leave, in my own time. Because I don’t think he is going to be there for you or the baby at all :(

Put zero effort

Let me guess: the moment you say anything, he bellows how he's "doing this for you", and how if he didn't earn money you'd all be suffering, or why are you trying to hold him back, or well then, he'll just go and work in a supermarket then, oh woe is me.

You can't argue with people like this. He only cares about one thing, and you may need to come to terms with the reality him dating you was only ever a ploy to secure a regular free babysitter for his children. Who are unlikely to wish to keep seeing him once you're gone, and their father is a mute workaholic who sees them as a nuisance.

The two options are you leave, or you simply live your own life. Go to your job, but don't help with his business. See your friends, do your hobbies and basically live as joyfully as you can. Bit difficult in these Coviddy times. Join a hiking group. Take up a sport or gym session. Do an online course. Basically - live your life. Without him.

He'll either a) realise he's missing out (sad to say, this literally never happens) or b) start sulking that you 'don't care about the business' or 'go off and have fun then while I slave over this' and he'll basically resent you for it, but then you can think 'well, he's resenting me for enjoying life' and it could be the push you need.

I personally would withdraw all assistance with the business, and when he questions it tell him you're too tired. See how he likes those bloody apples... he will either come to appreciate your support and efforts, or martyr himself even more, which will help you decide on a course of action going forward. Best of luck with your pregnancy, but please bear in mind staying with him just so the baby has a man around doesn't mean it has a Dad and an unhappy home will be to its detriment later in life.

I can only assume most that of the comments aren’t by women married to someone running a business. My DH is totally dedicated to his business, but not at the expense of our family life. It’s a team effort. I have supported him over the years, as he has me.

Life can be very up & down if you run a business 9 to 5 it is not, and it won’t ever be, expect calls OOH, weekends & on holiday etc part & parcel of running a business.

Yr DH sounds under pressure, which isn’t a surprise given the economic climate.

Only you can decide whether you can live with that OP.

@Ideasplease322

He sounds like me. I work 12 hour days but still can’t get it all done, so it spills over into the weekend. When I’m not working I’m stressed and anxious about work so don’t feel I can enjoy myself.

Everyone irritates me because they don’t understand the pressure I am under.

It’s no excuse. He is very unhappy, depressed, anxious and taking it out on you and his kids.

Ask him if this is how he wants to live. If he isn’t willing to change something to make himself and everyone else happier then it’s time for you to make your own plans,

And my dad. And me if I hadn’t swore I would never be like my dad!

Being busy and not coping with the amount of work is a choice. Either the person is disorganised or they need to get some support and delegate.
It looks like the OP ‘s DH needs someone to work on the business if she needs to do some work for him in the evenings AND he STILL needs to work weekends too.
Bringing someone in the business, hiring a free lance worker (eg a remote PA) are all steps that the DH can take. It costs money but is totally worth it.
Plus of course when you are nit as tired, you are more in the ball, more efficient and better at your job!

What a shame you got pregnant, otherwise I'd be straight out the door. But you should go out, on your own or with friends and leave him to be a parent to his own children. It sounds like he had a job vacancy for a nanny/housekeeper and you foolishly walked into the trap.

I can only assume most that of the comments aren’t by women married to someone running a business. My DH is totally dedicated to his business, but not at the expense of our family life. It’s a team effort. I have supported him over the years, as he has me

Good for you. Not everyone is so lucky.

I’m reading that he is depressed anxious and exhausted ( and taking it out on you). How is the business doing? Is he being honest with you about it? Is her worried that he will not be able to take care of you and a baby?
I think you need to ask some questions about money and if this is not the problem then give him
An ultimatum to see a GP and get councilling and sort his mental health out.
You deserve to be happy . It’s a win win situation. Either he sorts himself out and makes life better to be married to him or doesn’t in which case you leave him and will be happier without him. I did this with OH recently who was behaving like this.

Drawing a line in the sand main him sort himself out. Good luck