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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

223 replies

ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 16:12

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

OP posts:
MadeleineMaxwell · 04/10/2020 19:51

He already has two kids that he routinely ignores in favour of his work. He ignores his wife of one year in favour of his work. Adding another child to this situation is not going to change anything about his relationship with his work.

Leave him to his first and most important love. And good riddance.

Original poster
ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 20:04

Just checking in to say I've not replied fully as at mums being looked after. I might just go to bed tbh. Feeling shattered now. I've cried a lot.

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 20:10

@ChatterNatters

Just checking in to say I've not replied fully as at mums being looked after. I might just go to bed tbh. Feeling shattered now. I've cried a lot.
Bless you. I'm so glad you're being looked after and didn't go back tonight. Well done you, be totally honest with your mum and let yourself be looked after for a few days Thanks
TheSecondMrsAshwell · 04/10/2020 20:15

I said okay I'll go then and went to leave and he was begging me not to, trying to hug me etc...

Because he expected you to back off. Good for you for calling his bluff and going to your Mum's. Stay there and be looked after. Look after yourself too.

Take Care OP.

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2020 20:20

Just remember you don't have to make any firm choices in a hurry, you can sit back nd take your time.

Which ever path your take will not be easy, stay and possibly you can set some ground rules that family life is for the weekend and work in the week. No grumpy moods on a Sunday and playing games together etc. If he didn't used to be like this then possibly he could change back - but the reality is work will need to be reduced for a while when baby arrives and he needs to look after all his children.

leave and become a single mum, its not easy but you'll hold your own and have pleasant weekends without grumpy, dc will go for the weekends and its a lot harder to ignore a baby so work will have to stop. Bring up baby alone maybe easier than doing it whilst juggling step children, helping with a business and putting up with mr grumpy

namechange20202020 · 04/10/2020 20:22

I could have written this 3 years ago. He left me while I was pregnant for. a french student, wasn't depressed at all. Set her up as a sub contractor in our business and laundered loads of money. I'd recommend getting a good lawyer and leaving. It's not worth the hassle

Nicolastuffedone · 04/10/2020 20:26

Well, of course he doesn’t want you to leave! Who’ll look after his kids, message customers, do the housework! I wouldn’t want you to leave either.....

redastherose · 04/10/2020 20:26

Don't go back until you see actual changes in behaviour, he thinks of you mostly as the unpaid help, you not only do all the grunt work around 5he house, look after his children, work for his business in an essentially unpaid capacity (no way is your work worth £200 a month if you work in law that is probably less than your hourly rate) doing all his admin paperwork and accounts but also you pay for half the household costs. Don't be a mug. You don't need him half as much as he needs you. Stay with your Mum, if he is worth it he will make the changes necessary (see a doctor and take the medication/counselling seriously, start looking after his own children and his own housework). He has a couple of months to make changes and show you he can and has changed and wants to put you and all his children first in life and that his business is secondary to that fundamental principle. If he doesn't do so then you are better on your own with your new baby. Hopefully you will be able to continue a relationship with your DSC and their half sibling if this is how things play out. Don't go back when he promises to change (which he will). Give him enough time to understand precisely how much you have been doing for him and his children. Also you need to be looking after yourself and your baby not stressing out about a selfish man.

lockdownalli · 04/10/2020 20:29

Bring up baby alone maybe easier than doing it whilst juggling step children, helping with a business and putting up with mr grumpy

I totally agree. Good Luck OP.

romeolovedjulliet · 04/10/2020 20:29

if you were my daughter it would be a massive hug, cups of tea and talk through the options, you'd be moving in with me until we could sort something out for you and i'd give you as much support as possible.
we are all here for you, please don't go back to him.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2020 20:30

@everythingbackbutyou

Oh God, yes!!! Those damned silent little 'tests' to see if you 'really love them'! As you said, set up for you to fail. My ex was an expert at those! From watching to see if you filled the petrol tank when it reached an unknown-to-you level to not responding with XX when they said YY (whilst phrasing it to get a different answer). The heavy sigh and disappointment that you didn't buy/gift a certain thing that they never mentioned but you 'should have known' they wanted. 'You should have known', I still absolutely abhor that phrase.

It was absolutely exhausting. And geared to getting you to do their every bidding, whim, and never upsetting them so they'd 'know you loved them'.

Annasgirl · 04/10/2020 20:31

HI Op, coming back to support you, sorry I let my feminism hat get in the way of support last post. I want to hug you and say you will be OK. I cannot believe you are only in your mid-20's. I thought you were in your 40's. Not that it changes the advice but you have your whole life ahead of you and the possibility of a wonderful career - please do not tie yourself to this man any more than you have done. Talk it through with your mum or a supportive friend and please, do not feel like you are a failure. You are courageous and you are being strong for your baby and for you. You deserve so, so much more than this.

Twinkled · 04/10/2020 20:37

THIS:

What HaggisBurger said
It sounds utterly grim. Presumably though he wasn’t always like this with you? Does it make you wonder why his first marriage/LTR broke up?I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that you will leave if this isn’t made significantly better. Sounds like no life at all flowers.

ACTION: Him to instigate changes quickly or its time to call it a day . Try Relate , go and see your GP and ask for Relate support . They help through break ups or / and give you a space to exlpore what you want. x

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2020 20:39

@ChatterNatters

Just checking in to say I've not replied fully as at mums being looked after. I might just go to bed tbh. Feeling shattered now. I've cried a lot.
Oh I'm so glad! Let Mum coddle you and you sleep as much as you can. Sleep is a marvelous restorative for mind and body.

If you can't bring yourself to block him, give Mum your phone. Let her monitor it for you. If there's something you really need to know, she'll tell you. Right now the last thing you need is his emotional blackmail and random bullshit.

FilthyforFirth · 04/10/2020 20:43

Take care OP, really feel for you. You have the benefit of seeing exactly how your child will be treated. Dont expose them to that. Leave and dont go back.

RobertaTheGreat · 04/10/2020 20:44

You are mid twenties?! Let me guess, he's at least a decade older?

My heart sinks when I read these threads (and there are many of them). My husband is distant/lazy/boring/selfish etc etc (pick an adjective) and I'm pregnant! It's so sad and frustrating.

Listen, my DH has a business, we know about stress, particularly just now with covid19. It's no excuse. My DH was always present and enthusiastic when our DC were children. They are adults now, living their own lives, and he and I are out and about all the time. Having a business is no excuse for being a boring, miserable git. You deserve so much more.

I'm a firm advocate of 'we teach others how to treat us'. My marriage has had its fair share of ups and downs over 34 years but I have always made sure my DH knows exactly what I expect from him and how I expect to be treated. Don't be a doormat OP. Assert your boundaries and set out your stall so your DH knows how you expect him to treat you. Step back from doing his grunt work - it's adding to his superior attitude towards you. Tell him how you want him to be with you and HIS CHILDREN, or you're off, and mean it! You have much more power than you realise.

MitziK · 04/10/2020 20:51

Leave. Without you doing all the admin, the business will collapse and he'll have more time on his hands to think about whether he can be bothered to see his three children.

Inkpaperstars · 04/10/2020 20:52

Hope you can rest up and feel better OP Flowers

Peace43 · 04/10/2020 20:59

I stuck with my depressed and anxious husband for years because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t make him happy and you can’t make yours happy. This is who he is and he won’t change. If this isn’t for you then leave now. Don’t leave it for years like I did. I’m so much happier as a single parent. He is no less miserable.

NancyBotwinBloom · 04/10/2020 21:02

You know what, when you are happily married you can cope with most things.

Your personal at home life is your pick me up when work is shit.

It's the main thing.

If it's shit, try and resolve and if you can't, get out. Get out now before your posting this two, three, ten years down the line.

Theluggagerules · 04/10/2020 21:04

I'm glad your mum is looking after you. I'd take time to see how you feel without him and walking on eggshells. Plus only doing one job means you might get some rest. Sadly I think he'll be begging you to come back, but won't change. People don't only get depressed on the weekend, he's being an ass

Igotmyholiday · 04/10/2020 21:06

It's not a failure to get out of a marriage, it's more of a failure staying and wishing it would change. I left my h when ds was 10 months, best thing I ever did

KatySun · 04/10/2020 21:10

Oh my, he has been using you big time. You are clearly an intelligent, kind and empathetic person, and somehow he has got you in a position where you were working for him (after doing your own day’s work) and looking after his children on your days off! And somehow that was still not enough. Good grief, I really hope that after you dry your tears, you realise that he was not treating you with any respect at all.

I am so glad your mum is looking after you. You really need to put yourself and your baby first. You are pregnant so you need a break from the level of stress he was dumping on you, quite apart from the absolute insult of him only being miserable on Sundays. His poor kids. They don’t get a choice (but that is their parents’ responsibility, not yours). You do have a choice.

Flowers take care of yourself.

Amiable · 04/10/2020 21:12

It will not get better. I say this from experience

JamieLeeCurtains · 04/10/2020 21:23

Another poster wishing you well, OP Flowers