Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

223 replies

ChatterNatters · 04/10/2020 16:12

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

OP posts:
whattodo2019 · 04/10/2020 21:23

I would absolutely leave ASAP. Life's too short

HollowTalk · 04/10/2020 21:24

This man isn't depressed. He's just pissed off that you aren't staying in your box and are trying to make him do things he doesn't want to do. He's selfish and entitled and a really awful father.

TeaAndHobnob · 04/10/2020 21:31

If I was your mum OP I would feel sad that your marriage isn't working out but very glad that you have the presence of mind and motivation to draw a line and leave.

Let her look after you for a bit. You and your baby can have a wonderful life without the joy sponge in it Flowers

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 21:34

@TeaAndHobnob

If I was your mum OP I would feel sad that your marriage isn't working out but very glad that you have the presence of mind and motivation to draw a line and leave.

Let her look after you for a bit. You and your baby can have a wonderful life without the joy sponge in it Flowers

All of this. And a hug from me too Thanks
RainbowReader · 04/10/2020 21:44

We're all thinking of you OP Flowers

OhTheRoses · 04/10/2020 21:48

Hmm. I don't know op. We had fertility problems although I was not 30s and had had a career first. DH is a workaholic and I coped with the dc alone a lot. But I never resented it and could always tell him to buck up or belt up.

30 years on dc (now grown up) he is funded a very very privileged lifestyle and we have both compromised to take care of each other but for the most part I did home and kids and he did making bucks (although I have worked full time for the last 14/15 years - for me, not money) ............

Apple222 · 04/10/2020 21:56

How old is he OP?

Ravenesque · 04/10/2020 22:04

I'm so glad that you've gone to your mum's and are being looked after. One of the things I find most upsetting about this is that this should really be a happy time for you both with a new baby on the way and he's just a vampire sucking the joy and the love out of everything.

Take care of yourself. x

mathanxiety · 04/10/2020 22:09

This business has literally sucked the life out of our relationship.

No, your husband has sucked the life out of the relationship.

He wooed you and then discarded you in favour of another love object.
Oh and also that I was depressed when going through the fertility issues and he supported me was one of the things he said.

Which actually really really isn't true. He never wanted to talk about it and would actually regularly turn it into an argument if I brought it up because he didn't want to 'keep going over it'. Add to that that I actually did go and see a Dr, got medication and got myself to a counsellor. I don't think it's really fair to compare it. I tried to help myself and he actually wasn't very easy to talk to about it at all, he made me feel worse more often than not when I tried and he knows this because I told him at the time that I didn't feel able to speak to him because he got angry about it.

The new love object, his business, doesn't talk and doesn't have emotional needs. A perfect relationship for him - he can project himself onto his business forever and it will always reflect back exactly what he needs it to reflect back to him.

Sorry for his children - where is their mother?
And have you ever talked to her about him?

Cut your losses. Let your mother look after you for a while.You are going to feel very shaky for a bit and you are going to be tempted to second guess your decision to leave, if you make it.

Eventually you will get back on your feet, you will thrive in your career without a heckler telling you you only sit on your arse all day Hmm, and you will have your lovely child to bring up.

My advice to you is to leave. You are never going to change this man, and do not listen to any promises he makes in order to suck you back in to provide free childcare while he devotes himself to the only thing he actually loves.

Poulter · 04/10/2020 22:13

With some people, the more you do for them, and the more supportive and caring you are the more they take it for granted. They might say the words that they just need support and imply that then things will be better, they will be happier etc but its just a manipulation for you to keep bending over backwards. Because what you do will never be enough. It's all part of the game to keep you off balance and pandering to their needs.

And if you call their bluff, like your husband they just let out the rope a bit and promise that things will be different, they need you etc. This also becomes part of the training to make you compliant because you get worn down by this constant improving, deteriorating cycle.

One adult should not give up all their happiness to support another able bodied, capable adult. It is too much to expect of someone else. He is not prepared to compromise, change or make the effort that counselling would take. If he won't make any effort, why should you make all the effort.

Take care of yourself and your baby and let your mum and others who see your needs as equally important to their own, look after you a bit.

TatianaBis · 04/10/2020 22:21

Sounds as if he got you in to be his childminder, housekeeper, admin assistant so that he could set up the business he wanted.

Now he’s got it he’s more invested in the business than you.

Stop working for him. If his business is successful then he can pay for an assistant. Stop looking after his kids. Start looking after yourself? Leave.

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/10/2020 22:36

OP imagine your life if you had a wife. Someone to look after the kids, cook all meals, shop, run all the admin, do the washing, ironing, make beds, vacuum and dust.

How great would your life be? Tiring? Stressful?

Persephoned · 04/10/2020 22:42

My love, think really carefully about this, and about yourself and your baby. Why is it good for you to be with this man? What are you getting out of it?

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 04/10/2020 22:45

There’s a really great book that’s so relevant to this, Women Who Love Too Much.

Flowers
Jaffacakeobsessed · 04/10/2020 22:46

Have you thought about counseling? Would he go? Is he concerned about losing you?

Terrible as it must feel, leaving now will be easier in the long run. Trust me!

So sorry you’re going through this x

TatianaBis · 04/10/2020 22:49

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

There’s a really great book that’s so relevant to this, Women Who Love Too Much.

Flowers

I thought exactly the same.
Noshowlomo · 04/10/2020 22:56

Glad you’re being looked after OP x

KittCat · 04/10/2020 22:58

He sounds like an emotional vampire, leave for your own sanity!

BeansMeansWines · 04/10/2020 23:14

My dad used to tell my mum (social worker) that she’d been sitting on her arse all day while he’d been doing real work. She used to pay all the bills while he went boom and bust with his business. When he really started making money he went off with his employee and took half my mum’s pension.

Leave now. This man is all about himself. I get that working long hours can leave you deflated at weekends but telling you you don’t understand real work (while you look after his kids and do all his admin) is a terrible environment for you and for the kids.

vlnr77yac · 05/10/2020 00:31

@ChatterNatters

It's hard because as a PP said, he wasn't always like this. This business has literally sucked the life out of our relationship. I am proud of what he's done building it from scratch but it's like nothing else matters to him now.

I honestly think if I said it's me or the business (I wouldn't but hypothetical) he'd choose the business.

He is happy in the week, when he's been at work. When he gets home in the evenings he's like the old him. But at the weekends, when he actually has to spend a full day with us not working it's like it's the worst thing in the world to him. He's just so miserable and boring.

So he's telling you he enjoys being at work more than being with you. Accept his 'honesty' for what it is... a small gift of truth.

Maybe he thinks you'll keep putting up with his nothingness because he has a business and perhaps some cash. Regardless he's not valuing you and you aren't valuing you either.

So what if you have to admit a mistake. Run while you can unless you want to live another 30yrs like this because you worried what people think!!!!

YoureRight · 05/10/2020 00:42

Instead of the focus being on ‘he said, he did’ put it solely on yourself and your future kid. The man openly told you things will not be changing and he thinks you’re stupid enough to accept being treated like that, so it’s up to you whether you want more from life. You don’t need to have him say more words at you, simply contact a solicitor and move on.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2020 01:02

So your mud 20s now...been with him for a few years...he has 2 kids...I'm wondering why you took on this guy with his baggage, when you're young enough to have options.

It feels like he's taking advantage of your good nature and I'm guessing he's a bit older than you too.

Stay with your mum for now.

GabsAlot · 05/10/2020 01:24

So he used to play with his children and go out with you and make an effort

Aria999 · 05/10/2020 03:36

I rather fear the main reason he's upset you left is because you provided a lot of high value free services in his business...

Good luck!

Imworthit · 05/10/2020 03:41

He's not your partner.... But you are his maid. LTB.

It was livable with my ex when we had hardly any time together but as soon as we did it was just so obvious he didn't want to be around me... I was just his bloody slave.

Give yourself and bump a happy life.

Mmm he can't be that tired if he just ran off to work can he? Sounds more tired of family life.