To think I've made a mistake only one year married.

[ChatterNatters]

Because I just find my husband so incredibly miserable.

He started a business up around 3 years ago and it's all he cares about.

He works all the hours in the week and on Saturdays, he never makes time for us (me and two SC). If we ever want to do anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch at the weekend watching TV it's either a flat out no or he pulls his face.

I don't look forward to the time I spend with him because he's so grumpy. He wakes up on a Sunday (the only day he's home) and you can tell immediately that it's going to be a shit day because he barely talks and acts moody like you've done something wrong. I end up feeling on egg shells.

I do so much to support his business. I go after my full time 9-5 job in the evenings and help him, I spend my evenings messaging customers, I look after his children so he can work over time or at the weekends and I just get nothing in return.

He never wants to do anything. 99% of the time we just sit inside all bored out of our skulls. I understand he's tired but surely if you have a family and children there are times where you have to think 'im not the only person in this family' and spend some quality time with them, just a short walk or one day out every couple of months for goodness sake. I find it so selfish. He won't even play a board game with the kids. Everything is about his business. If it's not, he's not interested. I hate our weekends.

It sounds ridiculous now but we were TTC before the business was set up, we hit a lot of problems and it took us a long time. My mind was occupied with that and I was so focused that I kind of just didn't really think too much into it. I am now pregnant and I can't help but think if I hadn't have been so distracted by the fertility issues, would I have even stayed this long?

He acts like I'm asking for too much, just the occasional walk or day out or just doing something that's for us and not him. If I just understood how tired he is from working etc etc... But I feel like that's so selfish. Everyone sacrifices so much so that he can do what he wants to do with this business. We've given up time with him, money, effort, never ending support and he can never in return just put himself out one weekend and spend some actual time with us.

I am so bored and fed up. I feel so unimportant to him. 99% of our lives revolve around him making his business work and he can't even just give us that 1% effort.

I feel like leaving. Like saying he obviously doesn't have time for a family so why bother with one. He just wants us to sit here quietly, bored and lonely whilst he focuses all his efforts elsewhere.

Sleep somewhere else.

Fucking iPad

Leave. Leave, leave, leave. Put yourself and your baby first. He obviously puts himself first so why shouldn't you? You need and want peace and emotional security and you aren't getting it from him.

Sounds to me as if his basic philosophy is that he should be able to do what he wants, when he wants. And that the affect on you of his moods and actions is basically your problem.

Also, when someone asks for support/assistance but won't give you a direction to go, they are actually wanting you to fail. There can be a myriad of reasons why, but the fact is the want you to fail. It's like telling someone to be at a certain place, but not giving them an address or directions to get there, then getting mad because they get lost!

So leave. Go to family or get a little flat for now. Because here's the thing. You say he cries and doesn't want you to leave. Fine, but he's not doing anything to make you want to stay. If he truly wants to 'keep you' then perhaps he'll realize that he must earn you back. If so, he will get help. If not, you are already living your 'new' life and will just continue to move forward into your own future.

Leave.

Before your baby is born, because it will only get much, much worse.

He’s not ever going to change - he doesn’t want to and probably can’t even if he wanted to.

Life is really, really short.

Sorry I'm stuck on "you don't know what it's like to run a business" you do all his admin on top of a full time law job! I don't think he can run his business without you. He certainly couldn't run his family the way he has been with free childcare without you.

Don't go back until he's made concrete changes and gets counselling for why he gets angry when you try and talk to him. It's a massive red flag that he was unsupportive during your fertility struggles and also that he won't seek help now.

Are you familiar with the psychological concept of 'healthy boundaries' - how you decide what they are, how you communicate them, and how and why you should follow-through?

positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

Based on the conversation you just recounted, I think your relationship has a lot of problems.

This relationship - or your next - will be better if you set healthier boundaries.

Not RTFT.

Do you have the SC only at the weekend or are they there in the week too?

How long have you been with your now DH?

Did you meet at work?

You are only in your mid-20s. Are you quite a bit younger than him?
How old are SC?

When he said you could put up with it or leave he was calling your bluff?

Why did his relationship with the SCs' mother break up?

I doubt he really wanted this baby given his attitude when you were TTC. You had your 'baby blinkers' on. Things are not going to change, he's told you so. I suspect his 'weekend depression' is actually caused by having to be around his children.

You've got (or at least will have) the baby you were so desperate for now, a desperation which blinded you to the obvious, and there's nothing else this man can possibly give you. Save yourself years of bitterness and LTB, sooner rather than later.

Forgot to add: Of course he does not want you to leave. You leaving means he will have to look after his children.

Fuck me depressed people don’t have the focus to work 6 days a week.

I’ve got a barrister relative and she does not sit on her bum all day it’s bloody hard. I’d leave, your basically a housekeeper and nanny who pays half the bills.

Can you not do things without your husband? You don't have to help him in the evenings either, leave him to the business as he appears to be married to that.

Now you know why his ex, the mother of his DCs, left him no doubt.

I'd do the same. Life is too short.

You mentioned your mum - can you go and stay with her for a few days? He may be genuinely depressed but based on what you’ve said I suspect he’s also hugely selfish regardless. As long as he gets what he wants his family doesn’t matter. He’s texting you to come back because it didn’t cross his mind that you’d actually leave, meaning he’ll have to engage with his children and do his own admin. I bet he doesn’t even see this as you leaving a relationship, he sees it as you quitting a job.

I think I'd tell him that you understand he doesn't want to talk to anyone and he feels that if you are more supportive it will work out, but that is not working for you anymore. That you can't be the one solely responsible for his mental health, especially as you are pregnant and working.

If he wants this marriage to work and thrive you need him to see a professional for his depression and the two of you need to see a marriage counsellor. I would find out the names and resources ahead of time (so he can't use it as an excuse) and that if he wants you to come back he needs to make an appointment with both of them.

If he says no, then he has told you what you need to hear and I'd tell him that. I'd tell him he has a week to decide and to let you know. If he cries and begs I'd tell him that you've thought long and hard about it and this is the only way you can move forward.

Honestly though, after reading about how he responded to your mental health issues I'd tell him to go wobble. He doesn't sound like a supportive partner who would have your back.

Well, Chatter, if you work in law you might at least have a head start on finding your shit-hot-lawyer.
Hope things change for the better for you.

I left a marriage just like this on our wedding anniversary when I finally saw I could not live thru another 50 of them. I had a small child and worked for his family business. I’ve never once regretted leaving. Almost 20 years ago now. I see no reason for you to stay, he is very unlikely to change and you’re going to spend the best years of your life wasting them.

PS: be very careful about accepting his promises that he will behave differently. It's very common for people in his position to toe-the-line for 3-4 months after they realise that their relationship really is on the rocks. But after 3-4 months of 'good behaviour' they then revert to their prior 'true behaviour'. In your case, that is approx when your baby is due - and then you could find that you are stuck .

(ie By 'stuck' I mean that although you would free to move areas, (unless you're breastfeeding) you'll have to remain in the status quo until you get legal permission from the courts (or him) that whatever you propose is in the baby's best interests. If he continues to behave as he does now - obsessed with his business - then the court's decision might be that the newborn live with you wherever you choose that to be (with arrangements for it to develop a relationship with its father), but it could take you many months to get this decision (courts are slow). Also keep in mind that some people 'wake up' and change their work pattern if there is a risk that they might lose regular contact with their child, and at that point someone in his position might argue that the child should live at least 50:50 with its half-siblings. In that case you will be free to move out (or have him move out), but for the remainder of your newborn child's childhood, you will have to live nearby (unless you get permission to move further afield with the child or he moves further afield )

I would leave for a few days so he can really appreciate how much you do. Go and check into a hotel if you can, or stay with a friend.

He's a total plonker who doesn't know how lucky he's got it. Let it sink in.

He's a bit of a serial sperm donor, isn't he? I don't mean this rudely to you - but he seems to feel no responsibility to parent his progeny. . .

I am trying so so hard to do everything in my power to make it easier on him. I don't know what more I can do.
You have allowed yourself to be taken for granted by doing everything gratis. No quid pro quo. You don't fix that by doing more stuff for no reward, not even gratitude. You fix it by stopping doing stuff. Really hard I know after you have both got in the habit of you being the slave but hey you can simply stop. Today. Now. This moment. He will think you totally unreasonable no matter what you stop doing. After all he thinks you are unreasonable now for simply requesting that he not act the dickhead towards you.

This behaviour is not down to running a business. I work with lots of scaling up companies. Starting a business, like parenthood, amplifies both your positive and negative traits. He did not become a dickhead. He became more of a dickhead. I am not reading of any positive traits being amplified that benefit you or his children, only those that benefit the business, like being willing to take advantage of anything offered for free.

Running your own business is really stressful and time consuming, but if it makes him this moody/unable to participate all the time, then he is not cut out to run a business or certainly not to run a business and to have a family.

I would put it to him that he has a family and should step up for them. He says he can't while running the business, so has he considered selling it and looking for an employer? If he will not do that, and will not accept support or help in being more present for his family while still running the business, it's very tough for his kids but you can and should still get out.

The refusal to discuss things or seek help is closing the door in your face really. Even if he did agree to that or make promises, it's not clear whether that will really improve things for you.

If you go then he has to pay someone to do the extra work at the business and to look after his kids. Would he really still be begging you to stay if those things weren't a factor? Maybe, but think carefully about his motives.

“Also, when someone asks for support/assistance but won't give you a direction to go, they are actually wanting you to fail. There can be a myriad of reasons why, but the fact is the want you to fail. It's like telling someone to be at a certain place, but not giving them an address or directions to get there, then getting mad because they get lost!”
@AcrossthePond55, spot on. This was a hallmark of my 20 year marriage to abusive stbxh. Everything is designed as a test to find you lacking. @ChatterNatters, I left last year and my only regret is that I spent so much of my life being used as a metaphorical punching bag. FWIW, my stbxh was frequently ‘depressed’, which coincided with every time I tried to call him on his unacceptable behaviour. Out would come the crocodile tears. Don’t feel bad you are reconsidering after a year married- take it as a gift and run.

You say that a hypothetical if you or the business then he would choose the business @ChatterNatters there is nothing hypothetical about it - he has already chosen and the business won. You are a babysitter/housework doer and cheap/free worker for his business.

No point in staying at all.

How much older is he than you OP, if you are mid twenties and he has 2 children?

The point of going to work in his business is surely to give you and his kids a nice life... How profitable is a business that needs so much free labour from his wife? Also they way he treats his other two children is how he will treat yours

You are so young, you and your baby have a full life ahead of you.

I really hope you've not replied because you're driving somewhere, rather than gone back into the house... what you do now sets a precedent, don't continue to let him walk all over you.

The only way to make this arsehole show some appreciation is by leaving him to it for a whole week, two even better. Of course he'll dock your pay by a whole £50- £100 (what an insult), and you'll get a nice break.