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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flatmate’s hygiene

213 replies

rainyday03 · 04/10/2020 11:06

I had a new flat mate move in a few days ago. They haven’t showered since being here. Whenever they use the bathroom it smells of unwashed person. They’re also a bit messy but I’ve overlooked that so far because I’m a clean freak. But I’m really struggling with the fact that my home now smells of dirty smelly person! When you walk past their room it smells even more strongly. Is there anything I can do to broach this or make it better without being rude? :(

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 05/10/2020 12:05

How has she not even been for a wee this morning?

I'm slightly baffled tbh by the extent that you are able to keep an eye on when she visits the toilet. Surely she might so it when your back is turned, or you are watching TV, or cooking, or getting dressed, or in your own bedroom?

She clearly needs to sort the showering issue out, but I'm not sure that chatting her bladder control is great tbh, though it is weird if true.

Os: what do you mean when you call yourself a clean freak? You might be being too harsh on yourself here, or your expectations might be so far to one extreme and this girls so far to the other that it's going to make things v difficult.

jessstan1 · 05/10/2020 12:07

@rainyday03

It’s horrible :( she hasn’t cleaned her teeth this morning as she hasn’t even been to the bathroom. Opened her door to go to the kitchen and made the whole hallway and my office space stink, I had to light a candle! I’ll see if she showers today but if not I think I’ll have to have words. Will keep you all posted
You really will have to speak to her. I don't envy you but you can't go on sharing a place with someone like that; I wonder whatever is wrong with her.
Curlygirl06 · 05/10/2020 12:09

My ex smelt, didn't like using deodorant although he showered or bathed every other day. A frank discussion was had and he got a bit better.
We got divorced and he slipped back into old habits. Our children are grown up now and they've made comments to him but he still stinks. A lot can be attributed to his depression (whole other story there!) but he smells whether he's depressed or not. It's rank.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/10/2020 12:13

It's a wonder her work haven't spoken to her about this. She must make her workplace stink.

notapizzaeater · 05/10/2020 12:15

Could she be showering at work ?

Original poster
rainyday03 · 05/10/2020 12:18

The way the flat is laid out, my office space and room are both right next to the bathroom, so you can always here if someone’s in there. She doesn’t seem to drink or eat much either unless she has food in her room.

She seems really jolly when I speak to her in person and doesn’t seem depressed, but I’ve experienced depression myself on several occasions and I know it can be easy to put on a front. I do hope she’s okay. I think that’s what I’m worried about - that I’ll make a comment and perhaps she’s really conscious of it but is really struggling to hold it together so me mentioning it would be really awful for her. That said, she really doesn’t seem depressed when we’ve spoken - super jolly, really chatty and engaged with the conversation.

Re. me being a clean freak - I am, I’ve been doing work on it with my counsellor, I could never get dressed without having first showered each morning, I like everything to be neat, exact, clean etc. BUT I am a reasonable person! I know not to expect that from the people I live with as we’re all different. But I’d expect someone to shower at least once every two days, and I don’t think that’s me being over the top? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
rainyday03 · 05/10/2020 12:20

She’s been working from home since she moved in but is going to the office tomorrow, so can’t be showering at work. Also, I’d hope I’d notice a difference in the smell if she’d showered...

OP posts:
Janegrey333 · 05/10/2020 12:23

Hope she doesn’t use this site. Lol

EdgeOfACoin · 05/10/2020 12:38

@Janegrey333

Hope she doesn’t use this site. Lol
I hope she does!

If she recognises herself and changes behaviour accordingly...well, the op has solved the problem and the flatmate avoids an awkward conversation! Win-win!

Alas, I don't see that happening.

Bunnymumy · 05/10/2020 12:49

I'd maybe give her today and tomorrow as she might shower before or when she gets back from work.

If not, make a wee cup of tea for her and maybe take some biscuits too. Knock her door and ask if you can have a chat, start by asking her if she is ok as 'I was trying to hint about the shower the other day and notice it still hasn't been used and just wondered if you were alright as I know when I'm depressed sometimes I lose interest in important stuff'. Listen for a bit and be supportive.

Then at some point get in 'ok I understand but you really need to be showering every couple of days because... I can kinda smell you. Sorry to break the news but I had to say. And better to find out from me than someone at work right? I mean, no one wants to end up being the smelly work colleague'.

Maybe finish with 'you know I'm about if you ever need to chat (...but away get in that shower now or I'm turning the hose on ya!').

Savemyusername · 05/10/2020 13:01

I don’t think you should be monitoring when she is cleaning her teeth. That is really not your business. Nor how often she showers or washes. The only issue is the smell which you would be reasonable to comment on if it continues.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 05/10/2020 13:10

It is quite normal to not shower everyday though, we certainly don'y shower every day , most days maybe but def miss some
Quick wash , brush teeth , etc daily but not always a shower and none of us smell
Strange she smells so much after few days as would mean not so much of washed as with a good wash and teeth brushing , using deodorant etc most people wouldn't smell that bad

Janegrey333 · 05/10/2020 13:35

Is this a genuine thread?

OldEvilOwl · 05/10/2020 13:36

If she working tomorrow hopefully she will have a shower today or in the morning. If not you will have to tell her that she smells

LoveEatYoga · 05/10/2020 13:55

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP and I really hope she takes the hint!

MaraScottie · 05/10/2020 13:57

I think you're going to have to be blunt OP. Also, I wonder is it her clothes that smell too, as well as herself? Has she washed anything since she arrived?

I really don't envy you, but I fear nothing is going to change unless you're really upfront, awkward and all as it will be :(

Original poster
rainyday03 · 05/10/2020 14:05

I’m not monitoring her at all, it’s just really obvious when someone uses the bathroom as the only two places I’m usually at are right next door! And I’ve not been out at all. I know it’s none of my business but I can’t help but notice iyswim.

Nope, hasn’t washed any clothes either - I showed her how to use the washing machine yesterday too.

Yes, unfortunately this thread is genuine... though I wish for my sake it wasn’t!!

Hopefully she’ll shower ready for work tomorrow but if it’s a regular thing and she tends to go 4/5 days at a time with no shower/wash and the smell continues, I’ll have to speak to her. Thanks @Bunnymumy that’s a good idea :)

OP posts:
Marisishidinginmyattic · 05/10/2020 14:10

And I’ve not been out at all

Said this already but:

YOU SLEEP DONT YOU? PERHAPS SHE USES THE BATHROOM WHEN YOU ARENT WAKE LISTENING FOR THE SOUNDS OF MOVEMENT.

Caps for volume obv.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 05/10/2020 14:11

I’m sorry OP, I think direct approach is going to be most effective...don’t envy you though!

CounsellorTroi · 05/10/2020 14:15

@Notfeelinggreattoday

It is quite normal to not shower everyday though, we certainly don'y shower every day , most days maybe but def miss some Quick wash , brush teeth , etc daily but not always a shower and none of us smell Strange she smells so much after few days as would mean not so much of washed as with a good wash and teeth brushing , using deodorant etc most people wouldn't smell that bad
Her clothes will be smelly too.
CrimsonCattery · 05/10/2020 14:50

Why would this thread not be genuine? Are some people that sheltered as to think this couldn't be real?

BloggersBlog · 05/10/2020 14:55

Looking at the poll, there's about 25 people who think yabu!!!

Some rank people about, yuk. Feel sorry for you OP

CatMagic · 05/10/2020 15:03

Perhaps she had that genetic condition where the body gives off a particularly bad odour. 'Fish odour syndrome' I think it's known as!

CatMagic · 05/10/2020 15:03

** Has

MilerVino · 05/10/2020 15:12

Strange she smells so much after few days as would mean not so much of washed as with a good wash and teeth brushing , using deodorant etc most people wouldn't smell that bad

Why do people keep saying things like this? From what the OP has said, she hasn't showered in the last few days. We have no idea what she did before that. But lets face it, it's unlikely she was super clean, moved, and then thought 'I know, I'll stop washing'. It's much more likely that this is a long ingrained habit and that she just doesn't wash enough, ever.