Flatmate’s hygiene

[rainyday03]

I had a new flat mate move in a few days ago. They haven’t showered since being here. Whenever they use the bathroom it smells of unwashed person. They’re also a bit messy but I’ve overlooked that so far because I’m a clean freak. But I’m really struggling with the fact that my home now smells of dirty smelly person! When you walk past their room it smells even more strongly. Is there anything I can do to broach this or make it better without being rude? :(

@tillytoodles1

I'm sure they can't smell that bad after just a few days unless they were already unwashed when they arrived.

You can't be serious!

You can’t say anything because they’ve not moved into your house as a lodger under your terms. They’re an equal housemate.

I agree, I'm confused by the posts suggesting OP is being unreasonable. It is extremely antisocial to wash so infrequently that you are actually making the house smell. This doesn't just affect the smelly person but everybody else in the house and that is not fair. You wouldn't expect to put up with it if somebody smoked in their room and the smell seeped into every other room of the house. Being smelly is as antisocial as that (although not as dangerous to health, granted).

I would try and address this issue now, before it gets any worse. If they are already ponging, your shared areas are going to honk before they have their annual dip. Be polite, be kind, but do tell them. Then it's to them to do something. If they are as smelly as you have outlined, other people in areas of their life must notice it too.

I think if you say anything, it will create an unbearably awkward situation. You have to decide if the smell is worse than the awkwardness!

I agree with pps...I think you should say something like 'I've been busy working and realised I've not shown you how the shower works. Let me show you how it works'. And also say that you've haven't seen any of her toothpaste/toiletries and she can just put these in the bathroom with yours.

If after showing her the shower, she is still not washing herself, you're going to have to be more direct and say that you know she's not been showering and the house smells, and you're not happy with it.

You'll need to do something soon because if she's using the sofas in the shared living room they'll stink soon. Of course it's awkward bringing it up but you could go about it by either bringing up that you've noticed a smell and could she help you air the place out/clean up, or by offering to show her how the shower works, where to put her toiletries, etc.

How awful, that would kill me but I just couldn't comment on it, I'm too polite but I'd be looking at moving asap.
I have an NHS colleague who STINKS, I mean really bad and I've decided it's above my pay grade to tell her. Its up to her team leader who is in denial and avoiding the issue. That's the problem we are all too polite.
I also think it's mean to leave anonymous notes, if someone is going to tell her it needs to be face to face gently.
Luckily I rarely have to work with her as we all have our own rooms.

Oh no I had a flatmate like this, I never said anything as it's hideously awkward and I wasnt sure if it was tangled up with other issues etc. But it isn't very pleasant, the hand wash was always untouched so I was always wary of handling anything in the communal areas. I moved out to be honest to escape.

Sorry but not everyone is as obsessed with hygiene as those on mumsnet.
There's fuck all you can do about a housemate not showering to your schedule except for move.

I can't understand it though. Surely to god they realise that they smell. I know if I smell, have bad breath or whatever, you soon know if you are wearing a mask or whatever. It's just so basic. Why do they do it????

Sorry but not everyone is as obsessed with hygiene as those on mumsnet

Showering daily and making sure you don't smell bad is hardly obsessed.

I would do what's been suggested upthread. Introduce yourself and explain how everything works such as the shower etc. Then if nothing changes buy some plug ins and air freshener. Also open the bathroom window wide to help get rid of the smell.

That is really tough but I don't know how you could broach it with them...can you use an oil burner? They can make the place smell much nicer and hopefully cover up any unwanted smells.

I imagine they must shower eventually - it can be a bit stressful moving house maybe they need to settle in a bit first.

Of course you cannot continue like this particularly as you work from home.
I would say something as suggested upthread and if it doesn’t improve talk to your landlord. If all else fails move out.

I’d definitely go with the direct approach ie “girl, you stink! Have a shower!”

Aye, right. So you would.

I can't see any way you can frame this conversation that isn't going to cause awkwardness and/or offence, OP. Grim as it is, she isn't obliged to shower.

I think you need to say something because the odds are this person is offending other people too - do they work or see friends?

The fact is- the science- that we start to smell of BO within 2 hours of washing if we don't use deodorant - that's how long it takes for the bacteria to start feeding on our sweat and creating the pong.

I think I'd start with...

Anne- do you think I could have a chat with you about something a bit sensitive?
I'm really sorry to have to bring it up but I've noticed that since you moved in you don't seem to have used the shower or maybe your toothbrush.
This is really hard for me to say, but you do have a body odour issue. I felt I had to mention it as it's really obvious and will be to other people.

And see how she reacts.

I can't see any way you can frame this conversation that isn't going to cause awkwardness and/or offence, OP. Grim as it is, she isn't obliged to shower.

It's causing awkwardness already to the OP.

There ARE ways of saying this- she just needs to be assertive and say it's very awkward for her to say it, but it's an issue in a shared house.

I’m going out on a limb and I will probably get jumped on, but might she be on the autistic spectrum?

You might just have to be kind but straight to the point.

Only on MN have I come across this; new flatmate you’ve never met and just turns up, very odd. Every flat I’ve shared or known of the main tenant finds the flatmate or replacement not some random shoved in by landlord.

I agree about being on the spectrum. DC shared with some odd people and one was autistic and had very odd behaviour. I HATE using the term lightly but I do have prof experience of working with ASD adults and teens and it could be an issue.

As awkward as it is, I’d go with @DesignerDesigner’s suggestion.

I work with a lot of vulnerable clients and have to have this conversation from time to time. It’s not pleasant, but it’s a kind and practical approach. Very few people get offended or angry. They’re usually embarrassed but grateful to be told gently. She may genuinely not realise she smells so bad.

@Againanothername
You’re so far out on a limb you won’t reach your MN SEN bingo card!!!!

I would give shower gel and deodorant and advice about washing and Covid responsibilites other wise this is going to get worse. If they take the hump that is their issue. It maybe this has been mentioned previously elsewhere!!

@SBTLove You need to get out more Love. It's common. Not all existing tenants vet a new one.