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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flatmate’s hygiene

213 replies

rainyday03 · 04/10/2020 11:06

I had a new flat mate move in a few days ago. They haven’t showered since being here. Whenever they use the bathroom it smells of unwashed person. They’re also a bit messy but I’ve overlooked that so far because I’m a clean freak. But I’m really struggling with the fact that my home now smells of dirty smelly person! When you walk past their room it smells even more strongly. Is there anything I can do to broach this or make it better without being rude? :(

OP posts:
Scweltish · 04/10/2020 16:49

@noirchatsdeux

To the previous poster who said Brits are 'quite hygienic and clean'...believe me, to the rest of the world you are seen as quite the opposite! As the old Aussie joke goes: "Where is the best place to hide money from a Pom? Under the soap"
Really?
fantasmasgoria1 · 04/10/2020 16:50

My ex is an alcoholic and his personal hygiene was virtually non existent. But on the rare and I mean once in a year occasion he showered up to a week later he didn't really smell of anything other than the alcohol. After that he developed a sort of musty/mouldy smell.

jessstan1 · 04/10/2020 16:52

@Marisishidinginmyattic

They could have done it while you slept Confused
In which case they wouldn't smell!
Shxx · 04/10/2020 18:05

Buy a basket of shower gels, soaps, toothbrush/paste and leave it outside her door.
If she ask why you did just say I thought you may have needed it as haven't seen you wash since you been here

Savemyusername · 04/10/2020 18:08

You could do the basket of toiletries in the bathroom and say she is welcome to help herself, hint hint. Not sure it would make any difference mind but you could try.

BlueJava · 04/10/2020 18:28

So sorry OP, that sounds horrible and I would hate it too. I think you have 3 options: 1) ask them to shower as politely as possible 2) take it up with the LL if you feel they were "pushed on" you iyswim 3) move!

Perhaps wait for a good moment when they aren't distracted and say "I don't mean to be rude, but can I just mention you don't smell good. It's starting to smell in the flat. Could you have a daily shower? If you need me to show you how to work it then just say". Practise saying it before you actually say it to them, don't rush it. Maybe they'll be v embarrassed, maybe they don't care, maybe it will become awkward, but I can see why you don't want to live with the stench!

Ginfordinner · 04/10/2020 18:58

Buy a basket of shower gels, soaps, toothbrush/paste and leave it outside her door.

No shower gel, just soap.
Shower gel just leaves a film on the skin rendering antiperspirant less effective.

Audreyseyebrows · 04/10/2020 19:03

Give a house warming present of toiletries.

Hint, hint

katy1213 · 04/10/2020 19:05

You absolutely can tell someone they smell if you've had them foisted on you! Can you tell the landlord and say it's not working out and explain why? Can you line up another prospective tenant or cover the rent until someone else is found?

Zoflorabore · 04/10/2020 19:17

My 17yr old ds has ASD, as do I. We see both spotless. Always have been.

It’s easy to make excuses. She is a dirty mare by the sound of it and needs telling.

I bet she has been asked to leave many flat shares for the exact same reason.

Original poster
rainyday03 · 04/10/2020 19:42

@sst1234 thanks I think you’re right! It’s not hard to wash it’s a small flat I’d know if she’d have washed and I’m up before her every day at 6 so I know she hasn’t done it yet. Hopefully she will I showed her how the shower works today

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 04/10/2020 23:24

@Ginfordinner

Buy a basket of shower gels, soaps, toothbrush/paste and leave it outside her door.

No shower gel, just soap.
Shower gel just leaves a film on the skin rendering antiperspirant less effective.

I didn't know that! I've used shower gel/body wash for years. I rinse very well. My favourite is Sanex.

OP, burn pungent scented candles and incense all over the place and spray air freshener around (again, something with a strong scent, not all delicate like Febreze).

Ginfordinner · 04/10/2020 23:27

There are a lot of threads on mumsnet about soap vs shower gel. I have never liked shower gel, so didn't know about the film left on the skin until I read those threads. Soap is definitely better.

Twillow · 04/10/2020 23:34

We have someone like this at work. It's awful and even the managers don't want to tell her.
Some people have mental health issues that leave them very disinterested in personal hygiene. Some people may have been raised in a chaotic household, maybe parents with alcohol/MH issues, and are simply unaware that they smell differently to others.
It's not essential to SHOWER though, my parents never showered but were highly adapt with a sink and flannel!

I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and say something -
"I don't mean to sound unkind, but as we share a home I have to say something. Are you aware that you don't smell very clean? Is there anything we can do about it?"

jessstan1 · 05/10/2020 00:09

Twillow: Some people have mental health issues that leave them very disinterested in personal hygiene.
...
That is very true but you don't normally share a flat with someone like that. The op cannot escape it!

YoureRight · 05/10/2020 00:56

She might be one of those mingers who post here about how vulvas should only be ‘washed’ with water, no soap, and it’s ‘normal’ to smell your own rancid minge 🤮 I’d be moving, as soon as possible. Even if she does wash her body, she clearly isn’t bothered by her own stench, and will be stinking up the house and furniture in future, and you’re paying to be in that environment.

Downwithcovid · 05/10/2020 01:03

Has she been out since she moved in?

I haven’t showered or bathed at hone for ages - I do it at the gym or swimming pool on alternate days

Original poster
rainyday03 · 05/10/2020 07:41

Thanks for your responses everyone, they’ve been really helpful. Last night I showed her how the shower worked, the empty drawer I’d cleared out for her toiletries in the bathroom, how the heating works etc. The shower is so nice and new and I said ooh it’s so good have you tried it yet? And she said no but I might tonight but then she didn’t shower last night. Hoping she might this morning.

I didn’t meet her because of Covid, the landlord was advised not to do in-person viewings so it was done over Zoom. My cousin did a house viewing over Zoom for a house share a couple of months ago so I guess it’s not unusual at the moment, but it does mean I couldn’t smell her before she moved in!

I can’t move because I’m signed into a 6 month contract that ends in Feb, I’m stuck here until then. I just hope she gets the hint from yesterday but if she still hasn’t washed by tomorrow morning I think I’ll have to address it. All the furniture in the communal area is my own too which means I especially don’t want her making it smell, it’s second hand but new for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
rainyday03 · 05/10/2020 07:44

I’ve been burning candles in the communal areas but maybe will get some more air freshener (only have one in the bathroom at the moment).

And good idea about the basket of hygiene products!

I know it’s awful but I’m starting to dread the thought of her being on her period... if she goes this long without washing normally I’m worried her hygiene with regards to that won’t be good.

I’m actually wiping down the loo seat when I use it now as the thought of a four/five day unwashed smelly bum on the seat is too much for me! I’m such a clean freak :(

OP posts:
SuzieQQQ · 05/10/2020 07:48

Yuck that’s disgusting. So she’s been there five days now and hasn’t showered! That’s not normal. You need to tell her in a kind way that she doesn’t smell great and needs to shower at least every second day. Anything else is awful. Poor girl. She’s obviously had a terrible upbringing.

Original poster
rainyday03 · 05/10/2020 10:51

It’s horrible :( she hasn’t cleaned her teeth this morning as she hasn’t even been to the bathroom. Opened her door to go to the kitchen and made the whole hallway and my office space stink, I had to light a candle! I’ll see if she showers today but if not I think I’ll have to have words. Will keep you all posted

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 05/10/2020 11:14

That's really hard op,to have no say with whom you're sharing a home and they stink.
I suppose there must be a reason for her not showering,or caring for herself,could she be depressed?
If it continues you might have to speak to her,especially if she leaves a mess in the communal areas.
It's easy for pp to tell you to leave your home,it's not that easy and why should you?
Perhaps your landlord would be able to help if things get worse.
I hope this is a temporary thing and it improves very soon.

MJMG2015 · 05/10/2020 11:33

I'd leave her a note, I think it's less embarrassing for both parties.

Good luck. I could not cope!!

There's always the landlord if things don't improve!!

MandosHatHair · 05/10/2020 11:55

Oh yuck, that's awful. Is she not uncomfortable? I remember how much I stank after nearly a week while bed bound, I was so grateful to the nurses who gave me a bed bath.

You keep calling yourself a clean freak, stop being so hard on yourself, expecting your housemate to maintain basic hygiene so they don't smell does not make you a freak, you are the normal one here!

It sounds like anything short of directly asking her to shower isn't going to get through to her unfortunately.

ShalomToYouJackie · 05/10/2020 12:00

That's absolutely rank. I don't know what you can say or how you'd say it but I'd have to say something.

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