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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

597 replies

Quarks69 · 03/10/2020 09:07

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

OP posts:
CovidAgain · 03/10/2020 09:09

Would she go for a walk with you instead?

I also work in a similar environment and think people who work from home might be freaked out by your level of contacts with others.

Don’t take it personally!

CountessFrog · 03/10/2020 09:09

That’s so disappointing.

My DH is a hospital consultant, he worked in ITU when the shit hit the fan. People avoided us like the proverbial plague. He had full PPE.

Eye opening isn’t it? When it’s your friends

FlatScreenTV01 · 03/10/2020 09:10

Don't blame her

CovidAgain · 03/10/2020 09:11

Btw I’m quite relaxed about mixing with others as I’m forced to for work (although I follow all the rules Socially ) but know that people have very different experiences/ perspectives

raspberryk · 03/10/2020 09:11

No I don't think so, you can probably blame the media and government for making people believe it's more dangerous than it is.

FubsyRambler · 03/10/2020 09:11

Many people are trying to limit their exposure, for some, their anxiety has rocketed to sky high levels. I’m a teacher, and yes, I’m careful who I see for social reasons.
Does she have personal grounds to be more anxious than usual?
If she’s a friend, cut her some slack, even though you’re disappointed.

ClarencesMum · 03/10/2020 09:12

It shouldn't be taken personally. She has obviously been worked up about the thought of meeting you, at least she is being honest. It is a shame people have been whipped into such fear but is it any wonder when you hear how this virus is reported and people's perception of risk if completely skewed.

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 03/10/2020 09:12

My friend (teacher) and I (nhs) have given up our weekly trip to pub because neither of us want to be contacted by track and trace and need to take 14 days to self isolate.
I think she's more likely than me to pick it up at work but that wasn't the reason for not meeting.

Wolfiefan · 03/10/2020 09:13

She’s probably extremely anxious and worried about catching it. It’s not a reflection of your friendship at all. Feeling “betrayed” is an overreaction.

I may seem “pretty healthy” but in fact I was in the shielding group.

AgnesNaismith · 03/10/2020 09:13

You can’t take it personally and you mustn’t take it out on her.

Since dc have been back at school I’ve purposefully limited their exposure to grandparents. It’s what you do when you care about someone.

BendingSpoons · 03/10/2020 09:13

We all have a different attitude to risk. Don't fall out with a long term friend because of it, however disappointed you are. If she is able to wfh then objectively you are a greater risk to her. We are limiting contact with older relatives now DD is back at school, as there is a higher chance of us passing it on. It's not fair when you don't get a choice, as you have to work, and you want your down time, but she has to make a decision for herself.

GettingUntrapped · 03/10/2020 09:14

I take the view that everyone has their own perception of the risks of coronavirus. I just let them get on with it.

CovidAgain · 03/10/2020 09:15

OP, I’d love to meet you for a coffee but can’t as DD has tested positive so we’re all isolating!!!! I’m still not stressed about it but thankfully it’s a mild case. My in-laws on the other hand are totally beside themselves. I totally get the different reactions, even among my peers.

MrsR87 · 03/10/2020 09:15

I wouldn’t take it personally. I’m a teacher and fully expected responses like this. So many people are used to very limited with contact with others and we are seeing hundreds a day, very easy to be freaked out if you are anxious about COVID.

I’m currently 6 weeks away from giving birth to my first baby so naturally, lots of people want to see me and DH but I always ask them how they would be comfortable to do so.

Mondaymanic · 03/10/2020 09:15

Some people are mental. I would find that rude. You're not going to be licking her face or drinking from her coffee cup. I wouldn't take it personally but I would be pissed off. The only time I'd think it was ok would be if they lived with someone high risk etc and were staying in constantly etc.

Invisimamma · 03/10/2020 09:16

My mum won't see us, because the kids are back at school and it's too 'risky'. I work from home. She's mid 50s no serious health issues. I respect her decision but it does hurt.

BringBiscuits · 03/10/2020 09:16

I think your friend probably just worded it badly but I can see where she’s coming from. She wasn’t trying to offend you. I have friends suggesting we meet this weekend. I don’t really want to so will probably make some excuse. In my head all I can think is why take the risk if you don’t have to? If you have to work or you have to care for someone or your kids have to go to school that’s different. Meeting socially isn’t an absolute must for me so and maybe not your friend. Can you do a Coffee over zoom i

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 03/10/2020 09:16

Yep. I'm a nurse, I...

  • wear PPE at all times in work, either as a surgical mask and visor, or a ffp3 and visor.
  • get tested every two weeks for current infection and antibodies as part of a research study (am yet to test positive for either test).
  • literally had to pass an exam in how to wash my hands properly years ago, and get reassessed every year.
  • socially distance from everyone by at least 2m apart from my partner.

...and some family/friends think I'm a higher contagion risk than someone who also works with the public, but with no PPE (think they have to wear some now actually due to the guidance changing recently), has never been tested, is very relaxed with social distancing, and thinks washing their hands with a quick rinse of water and no soap is okay. Makes sense to me! Confused

Sciurus83 · 03/10/2020 09:16

In the nicest possible way YABU, though i completely understand why you are upset as you wanted to see your support network after a hard week. But it's also not unreasonable for her to view you as higher risk, she may have vulnerable people in her circle who she wants to protect too and unfortunately you are a higher risk person. Try not to be angry with her.

nibdedibble · 03/10/2020 09:17

Sorry it’s hard to hear
Sorry she might have been tactless about it

But everyone is dealing with this shitshow in their own way

I think she is being very careful and don’t blame her

Realii · 03/10/2020 09:17

The question is- would she otherwise still go for a coffee?

No-she’s anxious
Yes-absolutely stupid as other customers could be infected

user19990 · 03/10/2020 09:17

You are being very unreasonable.

She is allowed to make her own choices

It's a bit dramatic of you to suggest that a coffee with a friend will get you over 5 weeks of exhaustion

Shitzngiggles · 03/10/2020 09:19

Everyone is just trying to work their way through this the best way they can and what feels right for them. I've got a friend who is reluctant to meet up at the moment and I totally respect that. I dont feel betrayed by her or think any less of her. We still keep in touch.

modgepodge · 03/10/2020 09:19

I too would be upset by this. Presumably she hasn’t only just discovered you’re a teacher - if she felt this way she shouldn’t have agreed to meet you in the first place.
Hopefully not all people feel like this OP, so do reach out to other friends. I too am a teacher and I meet friends every week (sticking to less than 6 though I think that’s BS myself) and no one has refused to meet me.
I’m convinced the impact on people’s mental health long term is going to be worse than the actual pandemic.

FAQs · 03/10/2020 09:20

What is the rate of infection in your area, we have cases in 15 schools and my daughters school has 8 positive so everyone is being cautious, I can understand her worries.

Can you zoom over a glass of wine instead? Not the same but we are with this for a while so some understanding goes a long way just now.

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