Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

[Quarks69]

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

I’m a teacher and in a way I’d be quite pleased that someone actually realised how much risk we’re being exposed to daily. Most of my friends are teachers or work in similar “busy” jobs with lots of people so this doesn’t really affect me but my MIL is very wary of being near me or the DC and although I feel she’s over cautious I also respect her decision and understand why she feels like that.

You can't judge how others feel about socialising at the moment. Its frustrating and disappointing for you but everyone has a different level of worry.
I am in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy and my husband teaches secondary. We have limited our exposure all the way through and luckily everyone has been really understanding - despite the fact a few of our friends/family are much more relaxed than us.
I really wouldn't take it personally or feel betrayed, it isn't a test of who 'real' friends are, it's a stressful and horrible time and people are just coping however they can.

It’s certainly been an eye opener. I’ve learnt a lot about friends and family this year. Their reactions have ranged from the laid back people who don’t think they’ll get it and break most of the rules in place to the ones who have become virtual recluses and the only contact they will entertain is via phone and social media. I really wouldn’t take it to heart OP; she falls into the ultra cautious group, and just wants to keep her and her family safe.

I think it's fair enough, sorry OP.

I'm not too worried about catching covid, but I do think it's important that we all do what we can to stop it spreading. I wouldn't want to sit across a table from someone with so many contacts and then go and send my DD to nursery, meet my parents etc. I think it's important to limit discretionary social interactions precisely so that the important stuff like education can keep going as long as possible.

If she's wfh she may well be desperate for real life social interaction, please don't see this as something selfish or a betrayal. She's doing what she thinks is right.

(I'm on maternity leave but when at work I'm a lecturer and should be teaching in person now, so I can see both sides in terms of your exposure.)

Actually wolfie betrayed is my reaction, although it might not be yours, because society and parents (she is one) expect teachers (and nhs staff) to put themselves at risk looking after their children, but aren’t prepared to risk anything themselves to support us, and we are talking the smallest risk here. We teachers could do with support too! How many teachers have had Covid in the last month compared to other groups? Look at the stats.

Seems Responses tell me I am Typhoid Mary for the next 6 months then. That’s a long time without coffee and a chat.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable - we all have to judge what risks we are individually happy with. I understand you don’t have a choice but to work and be around lots of children but if she doesn’t have to do that herself she may just think it’s an extra added risk that’s not worth taking for the sake of a coffee.

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

Yep. I'm a nurse, I...

• wear PPE at all times in work, either as a surgical mask and visor, or a ffp3 and visor.
• get tested every two weeks for current infection and antibodies as part of a research study (am yet to test positive for either test).
• literally had to pass an exam in how to wash my hands properly years ago, and get reassessed every year.
• socially distance from everyone by at least 2m apart from my partner.

...and some family/friends think I'm a higher contagion risk than someone who also works with the public, but with no PPE (think they have to wear some now actually due to the guidance changing recently), has never been tested, is very relaxed with social distancing, and thinks washing their hands with a quick rinse of water and no soap is okay. Makes sense to me!

I am sorry but despite all the PPE, if you work with Covid patients you are higher risk than most people. Two weekly tests don't mean much as you must know.

I am sorry op but I would feel similarly. I'd be happy to meet up for a walk and takeaway coffee or to sit outside ( weather permitting) . My sister who I still seeis high risk and I try to limit my exposure as much as I can for her sake. So I would not be happy meeting you inside a coffee shop as it would mean I'd have to not see my sister for a couple of weeks. I already have a secondary school child which is a risk I can't avoid unless he stays home from school. I don't want to unnecessarily increase the risk I pass it to my sister

I work in a hospital and if I’m exposed to a lot of covid cases I won’t see my friends/family as much and keep my activity to a minimum that’s my plan for winter. It’s a judgement call which may vary dependant on cases and workload etc.

We have PPE but I do see myself as a risk of getting and passing on infection. My sister works in a school with no PPE and I do feel she is worse off tbh as so many children don’t show infection.

I don’t like what your friend has done either but I can’t understand the fear to be honest.

@Invisimamma

My mum won't see us, because the kids are back at school and it's too 'risky'. I work from home. She's mid 50s no serious health issues. I respect her decision but it does hurt.

Not surprised you're hurt. I respect other people's feelings but it's difficult to make sense of this thinking longer term. When will your mum see you? Ever again? In a year when there are vaccines?

It's just not rational. I've seen my parents only once this year. I don't live near them Dad said he was not sure about seeing me when I go back to work (University) but he has been quite happy going to pubs and exercise classes.

Mind they're in lockdown so not likely anyway

I was referring to you, by the way, @NataliaOsipova, meaning your friend would probably be better off not having a ranty selfish friend like you who can’t accept someone else’s decision or choice however rational it is in reality.

@Quarks69 I'm secondary in Manchester, as is my partner. There is no way on Earth I would go near my family and non-teacher friends right now. We are a risk; we have cases in both of our schools and are seeing spread. My eldest is currently on a 2 week isolation in Y12 and as much as she would love to see her grandparents there is not a chance that is happening.

The only people I see are partner and our 2 teens, and work mates. Shopping is click and collect. Take away the risk we are to others but if we need to isolate for 14 days 2 schools lose a large chunk of their A Level science teachers, which further fucks things up.

Oh, and between our 2 schools we have 7 teacher infections since the start of September, and an additional 2 from before this. 1 is in hospital rather poorly right now.

@loulouljh

I think she is being over dramatic!!! and taken in by all the fear mongering...but her call I guess. Shame you now get to miss out.

The OP is also being over dramatic. Sounds like they were made for each other

Would you be socially distancing when you have your coffee?

No is usually the answer, so no, I don’t blame her for not wanting to meet. Go for a walk or meet at one of your homes, so you can SD.

Why decline now this morning? Presumably the arrangement was originally made at least a few days ago, and the increase in Covid 19 infections has been for the past few weeks. So the reasonable concern about meeting in a coffee shop does not seem to me a reason for cancelling last minute.

I don't know. We had to do the school pick up yesterday and it was bloody terrifying. Impossible to get in the school without brushing up against other parents and grandparents. About half were wearing masks, as were we. We did it because we love our daughter and grandchildren, but I would rather give schools a wide berth right now.

Yes, I know you were @CurlyhairedAssassin. I think it’s fair to say we wouldn’t be friends, so no loss to me. But frothing and hysterical? I‘m not the one who’s blowing people out at the last minute with the excuse that “I’m too anxious”. This woman has deliberately made plans with the OP, knowing full well that the weekend is her only respite from a stressful job....and then has pretty casually and hurtfully blown her out. (And yes, hurtfully from the OP’s perspective, because she’s on here to say so.). You might think that’s a perfectly acceptable way to treat a long-standing friend, but I don’t....

How depressing for you OP.

I see it as a public good to meet my very stressed teacher friend for coffee! She's doing an amazing job.

@Quarks69

Actually wolfie betrayed is my reaction, although it might not be yours, because society and parents (she is one) expect teachers (and nhs staff) to put themselves at risk looking after their children, but aren’t prepared to risk anything themselves to support us, and we are talking the smallest risk here. We teachers could do with support too! How many teachers have had Covid in the last month compared to other groups? Look at the stats.

Seems Responses tell me I am Typhoid Mary for the next 6 months then. That’s a long time without coffee and a chat.

I think you will probably find that most probably the people not wanting to meet with you inside were strongly against schools going back without more mitigation such as blended learning or more money for finding more space etc but our views counted for nothing

The people who want things back to normal right away and schools open as normal with teachers taking no precautions would probably be very happy to meet you inside for a coffee.

surely you can meet up online op?
have an online coffee and chat?

YABVU

you mean for a coffee inside a cafe?
I wouldn't either, even if you were also working from home.
I would meet you at a park with a flask of coffee though.

I think it is totally her call what she does with her day, and that OP is over-reacting.

Yes it's a disappointment when things get cancelled, but I this is a coffee - keep it in proportion.

i think it's better to find something else enjoyable to do, rather than seek validation to magnify a negative first reaction

it isn't a test of who 'real' friends are, it's a stressful and horrible time and people are just coping however they can

OP, I get it that you wanted to meet your friend as part of your coping.

Unfortunately, as the time got near, she's realised that she'd be too freaked out by the perceived risk.

It is a big let down for you but it's not her fault.

YABU and I'm surprised at the people saying you aren't. If you work in a more high risk environment it's entirely reasonable, sensible even, for people outside of that environment to be wary of contact. This pandemic has impacted so many people in some way. You're not the only one. It isn't forever.

Honestly, if I thought a friend working in a stressful and scary situation wanted to meet me for a coffee I'd jump at the chance.

Anything to support teachers/nurses.