Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

[Quarks69]

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

No, I would be happy to meet you for a coffee but I work in a similar environment and we see things differently to those who are concerned.
☕️

@SengaMac

Be a good friend to this person.

Stop making it all about you feeling 'betrayed'and understand that she is terrified by all the reports of increasing infection and local lockdowns as well as the fact that she's working from home because being in the workplace is considered to be dangerous.

Even if she came across as rude when she gave her reason, it's simply because she's terrified.

But all of us who work in schools can't just say we are terrified by the reports and stay at home to minimise our risk; we are expected to accept being at higher risk.

I can understand how disappointed you must be and it doesn’t make you a leper by any means, but your friend’s analysis of the situation is reasonable.

but aren’t prepared to risk anything themselves to support us, and we are talking the smallest risk here

To push back on this, what support are you looking for?

If it’s for your mental health a walk would be lower risk.
If it’s a more general “we’re all in this together” type support then are you able to understand that friend’s decision not to meet and not risk Covid transmission is a way of supporting the population as a whole?

In terms of “the smallest risk”, meeting someone who has daily contact with a lot of teens and other adults is many multiples higher than the risk of not meeting them.

I completely get you OP.

It’s nice that everyone is being sympathetic to your friend, who might well be anxious, but you’re not allowed to be anxious, are you? You just have to get on with it.

On the one hand, she’s been honest with you and hasn’t just cancelled with a shit excuse. On the other, you’re right in that the risk of transmission from going for a coffee is probably quite low.

Is there anyone else you could meet up with instead? I know it’s disappointing when you’ve been looking forward to a meet up and then the other person cancels, whatever the reason.

Or maybe do something nice for yourself? Go for a swim or coffee and book for one? You sound like you could do with it

OP I wonder if you are putting too much pressure on this one coffee.

Lots of people would see meeting for a coffee as a very casual thing and would be quite shocked to hear that cancelling it leaves you stunned and betrayed. That is a huge emotional pressure to put on someone and would have be withdrawing very quickly.

The best friendships can survive not seeing one another for months and then it's the same as always.

I am a key worker too and it would not occur to me to think my friends have some sort of social responsibility to see me, especially if they felt anxious about it.

I more see it like people being cautious helps us all because it reduces spread and helps us nurses.

Your friend presumably did not force you to go into teaching so I don't quite know why she has to meet you to help you decompress after a hard week at work. I suppose we all view friendships differently.

I'm sorry you aren't having a good day though. Are you too cross to suggest a zoom coffee with her?

And this is exactly why covid continues to spread. Because people think oh but it’s only my mum I love her she can’t be a risk to me, it’s my best friend I want to see her and so on with people mixing all the time not seeming to understand that the virus doesn’t care how old of friends you are or whether you love your siblings and want to spend time with them. Your friend is being sensible and limiting her contacts as virus cases are rising. You are completely over reacting.

I don't blame her. She's probably just trying to prevent needing to isolate if you become ill. I wouldn't go to a coffee shot of restaurant with anyone full stop. My priority is keeping my kids at school.
Just go for a walk together and take a flask.

OP, it’s shit.
To have to go and do a job where you are at a higher risk, while hearing reports in the media suggesting that kids don’t spread it and we’re at no risk at all and ‘it’s just teachers moaning’ and having to listen to the fucking Prime Minister say if teachers get it ‘it’s because they caught it during one of their coffee breaks’.
(Last time I had a coffee break was 2014 - on maternity leave).
Then to going back and working in an environment that is far more stressful that it usually is (which is always stressful in normal circumstances), to discover that, yes, we are at higher risk, in our so-called ‘Covid secure’ workplace.
To need that coffee with a friend. To keep yourself going when you’re putting yourself at risk.
To be turned down on the day (when she can reschedule with another friend who she deems acceptably risk free in her cosy safe work-from-home world).
Oh you selfish fucker you.
Have a virtual ☕️ with me.

@Quarks69

For the record, I am in a very low risk part of the uk and my school of 800 students hasn’t has a single case. I am not completely ignorant to the risk I pose to others....But I do think they are ignorant to the risk I pose to them.

However you are being ignorant as you clearly don't give any consideration to how your friend is feeling.

Just because there have been no positive tests doesn't mean that nobody has covid, some people are asymptomatic, some people won't test for whatever reason, some people can't get tests.

A teacher friend was told by her school not to test her daughter because she would have to self isolate if she tested positive. She works in a private school and was pretty horrified about their attitude and refused.

Sorry you're feeling down about this, OP; it does suck.

I'm a teacher and most of my friends and family are teachers or work in education (many different schools between us) and a couple in healthcare professions.

No-one is meeting up inside anymore. Maybe outside if massively distanced and the weather allows it. It's too risky, I'm afraid. We're all exposed to too many risks, now.

Coffee shop or restaurant even. Never got the hang of typing on a non BlackBerry keyboard

@BertiesLanding

I think you're placing the burden of an understandable sense of isolation and singling out that many teachers are feeling on the shoulders of one woman.

Now that is an interesting thought🙂

I think feeling betrayed is pretty OTT. She's entitled to make her own risk assessments. She may have a vulnerable family member, be in the early stages of pregnancy, or just be generally (or overly) anxious.

I wouldn’t meet you for coffee even if you weren’t a teacher. It’s ridiculous how so many people think they need to be out and about. And then claim confusion over the rules.

She might be feeling wobbly today. Why are you taking it personally? And feeling "betrayed" seems a bit odd. How has her concern about her health "betrayed" you?

@Quarks69

Actually betrayed is my reaction, because society and parents (she is one) expect teachers (and nhs staff) to put themselves at risk looking after their children, but aren’t prepared to risk anything themselves to support us, and we are talking the smallest risk here

So, do you think the best thing for society is for more people to put themselves at risk, or for less people to put themselves at risk?

If you take your wounded ego out of the equation, her logic is sound. Try not to take it personally. She's being responsible and over riding her desire to meet a friend for coffee, for the greater good. Try to do the same.

But I do think they are ignorant to the risk I pose to them.

You have no right to define how others should or shouldn’t perceive the risk that THEY will be exposed to. You might think it’s low, and you may well be right, but if it’s higher than she’s comfortable with then it’s completely unfair of you to demand she complied with your risk assessment.

I wouldn’t say anyone working in a school is low risk.

I would add you are no more at risk, than any family sending in their children to school every day. We are far more likely to catch covid from our children that a socially distanced coffee! If she has dc that are attending school every day then she is being ridiculous.

The only low risk option now is to stay indoors, keep dc indoors and never leave the house.

I don't blame your friend!

I remind friends that I work in a school when they suggest meeting up. Those with school children don't seem bothered, but those who WFH with no DC are choosing to avoid me. I'm not offended. Everyone has to do what's right for them re: coronavirus

i think that this is fine. I teach too and have no problem with this. Why do you not have a problem with potentially infecting your friend? If she feels uncomfortable that should be enough.

Everyone is having to asses their own level of vulnerability and the risks they are prepared to take. I do not think it is a reason to be offended - tell her you respect her decision and maybe have a zoom chat.

I was avoided too (work in mh unit and had Covid cases) and sometimes still am by one friend who is trying to be extra careful (and she is a very anxious person)

I had nothing to do with our friendship our friendship is just as strong

@Nuffaluff

OP, it’s shit. To have to go and do a job where you are at a higher risk, while hearing reports in the media suggesting that kids don’t spread it and we’re at no risk at all and ‘it’s just teachers moaning’ and having to listen to the fucking Prime Minister say if teachers get it ‘it’s because they caught it during one of their coffee breaks’. (Last time I had a coffee break was 2014 - on maternity leave). Then to going back and working in an environment that is far more stressful that it usually is (which is always stressful in normal circumstances), to discover that, yes, we are at higher risk, in our so-called ‘Covid secure’ workplace. To need that coffee with a friend. To keep yourself going when you’re putting yourself at risk. To be turned down on the day (when she can reschedule with another friend who she deems acceptably risk free in her cosy safe work-from-home world). Oh you selfish fucker you. Have a virtual ☕️ with me.

THIS is so true...as a chemistry teacher words are not my forte! Big virtual hugs Nuff.

I'd be upset but I'd completely understand.
It's really shit being a teacher at the moment, you constantly worry whether or not your bringing covid home thing week and my own family (very understandably) have backed away from me. We keep our distance when indoors (even though they are my childcare, and yes I'm aware I could still pass it on through child but we try and minimise risks where we can), and we don't hug. Its horrible but for my mental health it's necessary as id never forgive myself if I passed it on and there was something I could have avoided. I wish covid would piss off now, I feel like everyday is groundhog day.