Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

[Quarks69]

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

I teach in a university. While I’m teaching face-to-face, I will not be seeing my family and friends as I consider there is a high risk of my getting Covid at work and I don’t want to pass it on to others.

YABU.

It’s not unreasonable that your friend realises the higher risk you’re exposed to, and you have no idea what’s going on in her life or her head. I can empathise with your friend because I can’t risk having to isolate for 14 days - aside from anything else I don’t think my mental health would take it, having already had to isolate once. I’ve had friends drop me because not wanting to take that risk means not being able to see them on their terms.

I can understand your disappointment but getting on your high horse about “betrayal” and making it all about you, and the martyred high ground you’ve positioned yourself on, doesn’t make you sound like a good friend to her at all.

Oh, OP. I'd meet you for coffee!

One of my best friends is a teacher, and I wouldn't dream of not meeting her.

Stunned and betrayed? Get a grip! How can you cope with a job in a secondary school with forthright teenagers if you feel like this over something so trivial.

Your job puts you at higher risk and some people won't want to take that risk. Personally I wouldn't suggest meeting a friend in a coffee shop, my job puts me at higher risk too so we haven't been meeting people indoors.

@bumblingbovine49

My example was that I don't think I'm a higher risk than say someone who works in a shop, pub, restaurant etc, so frequent close contact with the general public, and who doesn't wear any PPE (or didn't until the rules changed), doesn't really bsocially distance (lots of group photos on social media etc), or wash their hands properly. We live in an area that's not under a local lockdown yet but on the watch list as cases are rising.

Sorry but if you think that I'm a leper in comparison then I don't understand the logic.

It's hard. My mother wants to see us today. She's 74 but has no concerns over CV and goes up the pub etc.

There are several active cases at my sons' secondaries. In one of their classes DS' best friend is SI and two other classmates have family members who are positive.

We're in a high risk area with restrictions. I don't feel comfortable for her sake today (even though she doesn't care snd is out everywhere at the moment) but she'll be upset when we cancel.

I can see her point. There's plenty of parents out there sending their kids into school with covid or potential covid essentially because they don't want to care for them. Look at the thread that one person made, her stepdaughter has covid, her mum is sending her into school still and wants the kids at the step parents got a weekend because otherwise she can't go out with her boyfriend. That mum will certainly not be the only one, and there's been plenty other threads about parents saying 'can my kid go to school tomorrow, he has a cough', no doubt sending the kid in regardless. There's parents having to go back to school and pick up their kids too as they are too sick to be there.

When you've got idiots like that reproducing, I can see exactly why she doesn't want to go near you. Sorry but while you'll be following the rules, you can't guarantee that your kids parents are. You could easily catch something off them, it's not like it's exactly a secret that schools don't have the best ppe going.

Cases have been rising since kids went back to school. Coincidence? No. Kids are unfortunately disease magnets and disease spreaders. It's just what they do. It's not their fault though, but that's why she's had a change of mind.

Jeez op you need to calm down, you sound so angry.

Firstly she does not have to 'support' you, as far as I can tell you are just teaching so you are not working on the front line in the ICU departments with sick people. So what support do you actually need?

Secondly this is about her anxiety, not about you. She is clearly very worried about the virus, and is probably not going anywhere with anyone. You can not call that betrayal. Everyone is different, and coping in their own way.

Lastly covid has changed many friendships and relationships, some on a permanent basis because it does highlight the character of a person, some people have been amazing, others very selfish. We have all had to try and see beyond it, and understand we are living a pandemic.

Call another friend, go out with someone else, and if you value your friendship I would let this go.

Surely friendship cuts both ways? You're asking her to understand why you need a coffee with her, and she is asking you to respect her decision not to.

YANBU OP, I would be upset too. As someone else said, presumably she didn't just find out today that you were a teacher, so it's rude to cancel on you last minute like that instead of saying that she didn't feel comfortable at the time of making the arrangement.

Go for coffee by yourself and take a good trashy book, maybe call someone for a chat when you're there. Do you have any other friends/family/colleagues you could meet up with? Not necessarily today, but over the next few months?

I'm not meeting anyone indoors at the moment due to the spreading risk even though I'm not worried about my own risk of illness. Could you suggest meeting outdoors instead?

I think you're placing the burden of an understandable sense of isolation and singling out that many teachers are feeling on the shoulders of one woman.

@Quarks69

Actually betrayed is my reaction, because society and parents (she is one) expect teachers (and nhs staff) to put themselves at risk looking after their children, but aren’t prepared to risk anything themselves to support us, and we are talking the smallest risk here. How many teachers have had Covid in the last month compared to other groups? Look at the stats instead of the DM headlines.

She doesn't owe you to risk her health, big or small. It's not her fault that you are unsupported in your job.

I know today is most likely not the weather for it, but would your friend be happier meeting outside? That’s what I do because then I can keep my distance as well as outside being less of a risk, which means I wouldn’t be a “close contact” for Test & Trace purposes.

I think YABU sorry. I'm WFH and I'm being careful about what I do and don't do to minimise the risk of getting it.

I'm not hysterical, or scared, or anything like that, I'd just rather not be ill, or have to isolate, or be part of the spread, if I can help it. Under the circumstances I wouldn't meet up with you either, and I'd hope you'd understand. It's no different to avoiding someone who you know has been exposed to norovirus, or chickenpox, or flu. Your friend is being sensible and doing the right thing for her. Your desire for a chat and a coffee does not overrule her decisions about her health.

@Quarks69

Actually betrayed is my reaction, because society and parents (she is one) expect teachers (and nhs staff) to put themselves at risk looking after their children, but aren’t prepared to risk anything themselves to support us, and we are talking the smallest risk here. How many teachers have had Covid in the last month compared to other groups? Look at the stats instead of the DM headlines.

Were you working from home at the beginning of the pandemic or have you been going into school as cover all along? If you were working from home, surely you felt nervous about going back to school, about the risk that would pose to you. If you didn’t, I’d say you were part of only a small minority of teachers who didn’t feel anxious about going back.

I was anxious the first time I went back into the office. I still don’t particularly like it because I work with a bunch of idiots who don’t believe it exists. If your friend has been working from home for 6 months and not been in the office, she’s bound to have anxieties.

Sorry betrayed is an overreaction. You still have your weekend and you can still do something. You can go out with your family or take some time to do something just for you. She will be sitting and talking to you, closer than 2m without masks for an hour? Two? It’s also the knock on effect - if a student in your bubble has tested positive, you into isolation, she will be notified and required to isolate - affecting her children and partner. It isn’t just about you. Look, I get it. It’s shit right now. You want to see your friend and feel like it’s normal but it’s not. You have to have been living under a rock to notice the government is going for the scare tactic to get us all complying - ‘highest daily number of cases’.

I'd try not to take it personally OP, the last six months have been shit and your friend might also be struggling. It's a bit rubbish that she didn't ask if you could rearrange for a walk or something outside and super socially distanced, but maybe there's other reasons for that.

She must feel extremely anxious. Two of my best friends are a teacher and a nurse, I only met them outside for a few months. And I'm mtg my parents next week, going alone because they're worried about having contact with my primary school age kids. They probably love them more than me, I'm not offended, they're being cautious.
Yes, some people do feel like that. I guess its galling when you're putting yourself out there for the good of others. You are very appreciated too, trust me. I could have wept with gratitude when our school opened up again in june.

I saw my friends that we were working in ICU covid wards throughout the pandemic, I felt they DID need a drink, dinner and a few laughs particularly in April, I don't however consider my teacher friends to be 'high risk' or in dire need of support. Yes it may be more risk, but it is not high risk in my view.

For the record, I am in a very low risk part of the uk and my school of 800 students hasn’t has a single case. I am not completely ignorant to the risk I pose to others....But I do think they are ignorant to the risk I pose to them.

so are you working with infected children op?

Teacher here too. My colleague’s husband has been told he won’t be allowed to work in the office because his spouse is a teacher. Unfortunately I think we probably are likely to be more infectious than a lot of other professions. Your friend might have considered an outdoor setting though where I am, separate households are not allowed to meet up now anyway.

oops cross post

I'm a teacher and frankly, given the lack of ppe and care over covid in schools, she's probably correct. I feel like a potential Typhoid Mary myself. All teachers are in stupidly high risk positions. It sucks.

If she's sending her DC to school then surely that's a risk?

On MN teachers are told to just get on with it & stop making a fuss. Now we're suddenly 'high risk' and should expect to be avoided!

Those that wfh are being very well protected. Others have worked all through. Not thinking of just teachers - recycling, NHS, supermarket staff, police etc...

Do those wfh and send children to school think they're being careful? Once kids are in school they're just going to bring germs home. However it suits those wfh to have their children in school.

YANBU to be a bit upset.