Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

195 replies

FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 07:49

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

OP posts:
bobbiester · 03/10/2020 07:52

they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day

Yeah right. Of course they're not interested.

SettingFloundaries · 03/10/2020 07:55

The ‘not interested’ comment would make me think they already suspected and either wanted you to feel better about it or were fishing for info. What context was it said in?

Vagaries · 03/10/2020 07:56

Well, that’s quite a weird opinion given how long most people are in a supposedly exclusive, faithful relationship before they get to wedding vows. I’m afraid I would assume he had also been serially unfaithful, probably at quite a late stage before the wedding.

Boobissue · 03/10/2020 07:57

How long have you been married? When did you stop being unfaithful, a week before the wedding, 5 years before the wedding?

What does multiple times mean? Twice or 10 times?

Over what time frame?

Why did you do it?

My DS married a serial adulterer, same as you, multiple times before they married (she was unaware at the time), he totally ruined her life. Serial adulterers don't tend to be nice people.

Windywendys · 03/10/2020 07:57

No I wouldn’t.

Did you cheat with different guys or the same guy?

How long was you faithful before you got married

How long have you been married

Do you have children?

MJMG2015 · 03/10/2020 07:57

11 votes, 1 comment. I find it weird that people do that

Anyway. Sounds like he knows, or why say that.?

He sounds like he doesn't want to hear the details/hear you discussing sex with other men. He also sounds lacking in self confidence.

How is your relationship now? Are YOU happy?

Charleyhorses · 03/10/2020 08:02

Never been in that position but I don't see what good would come of telling now.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/10/2020 08:04

I remember you. It sounds as though he knows, doesn't care and wants to leave it where it belongs, in the distant past.

legalseagull · 03/10/2020 08:13

He's told you he doesn't want to know.

He probably suspects/knows but doesn't want it to ever come up.

The only benefit would you be up relieving your guilty. It's selfish to tell him

pilates · 03/10/2020 08:14

Strange comment to make, has he got suspicions?

What conversation were you having for him to come out with that?

Madre1972 · 03/10/2020 08:19

I would also think he knows from that comment, it’s an odd one to make.

In those circumstances I don’t think anything useful will come of telling him now just to clear your own conscience.

Whostoblame · 03/10/2020 08:20

What good would it do to come out now? It would only make you feel better, not your husband. this is your cross to bear knowing you did that, take that as your punishment. I wouldn't blow up my whole life by spilling the gory details now. If you still continue to cheat that's a whole other story however.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 08:22

Just to let you all know, I have asked for this thread to be deleted because I forgot to name change. So this thread will (hopefully) be gone soon.

I will answer a few of the questions for those who have asked.

We were very young when we met. Living in different countries. Married young also. The cheating went on for the first few months, with multiple people (can’t be sure how many). I was in a dreadful place when I met DH. I was drinking heavily and was traumatised from things that had happened to me.

He made that comment when we were talking about a mutual friend. Her new partner wanted to know every single person she had slept with and I was saying to DH that I thought that was completely none of her boyfriends business. Then DH said “if I’m honest, I’m not interested in anything that went on before we got married, before we made our vows to each other”.

I am consumed by guilt and have bad dreams as a result of this. I am trying to work through it but do have the occasional wobble. I fundamentally believe my DH deserves so much more...

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 03/10/2020 08:23

Either he knows/suspects and wants to get on with things or he was also unfaithful at the start.

Either way unless you want to end things I'd leave it in the past with a clear conscience

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 03/10/2020 08:24

I think he suspects and has categorically stated he does not want to know.

You need to box this up in your mind and leave it in the past.
Have a great marriage and your DH will get what he deserves!

schubertdibdab · 03/10/2020 08:25

Got to love the double standards. A male poster would be being made ready for a spike fitting right about now.

peboh · 03/10/2020 08:27

I would tell him, yes. However I would have told him before he married me, so he could have had a chance at finding a woman who truly loves him and wants only him in her life romantically and intimately.

wombat1a · 03/10/2020 08:27

Hmm, if you were a DH then obviously you must tell your DW everything so they can make their own mind up about what to do. However, since you are the DW then obviously you shouldn't tell you DH anything because you must save them from the possibility of making using it against you in any future arguments.

Lantern156 · 03/10/2020 08:27

I think he suspects what went on but just wants to leave it in the past. On that basis I wouldn’t tell him.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 08:31

I should add, I’ve been completely faithful for 11 years.

OP posts:
Newjez · 03/10/2020 08:31

@FineAndDandyy

Just to let you all know, I have asked for this thread to be deleted because I forgot to name change. So this thread will (hopefully) be gone soon.

I will answer a few of the questions for those who have asked.

We were very young when we met. Living in different countries. Married young also. The cheating went on for the first few months, with multiple people (can’t be sure how many). I was in a dreadful place when I met DH. I was drinking heavily and was traumatised from things that had happened to me.

He made that comment when we were talking about a mutual friend. Her new partner wanted to know every single person she had slept with and I was saying to DH that I thought that was completely none of her boyfriends business. Then DH said “if I’m honest, I’m not interested in anything that went on before we got married, before we made our vows to each other”.

I am consumed by guilt and have bad dreams as a result of this. I am trying to work through it but do have the occasional wobble. I fundamentally believe my DH deserves so much more...

He's given you a free pass.

Don't just throw it away.

cansu · 03/10/2020 08:35

What good could possibly come from it? Put it out of your mind. It would be completely ridiculous to bring this up 11 years later.

Stopandlook · 03/10/2020 08:39

I wouldn’t worry about it. You’ve had a faithful happy marriage for 11 years. Forgive yourself Flowers

neversayalways · 03/10/2020 08:41

Don't tell him. He's asked you not to. All you will be doing is seeking to relieve some of the burden you feel by transferring that burden to him.

ginghamtablecloths · 03/10/2020 08:43

Say nothing Dandy - anyone who's lived a life will have a history. Put it behind you where it belongs. Please don't worry about it any more.