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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

195 replies

FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 07:49

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 03/10/2020 10:37

If you cannot or don’t want to see a counsellor or therapist, try praying.

It might sound ridiculous, but I feel it would help you immensely to ask god/the universe/your own higher being, to forgive you and help you to forgive yourself.

Also practise being kind and generous to yourself. Imagine your younger self sitting across from you, being another person needing your help and guidance. Talk to her (the younger you) as you would to a friend or a lost young person. Be generous toward yourself, be compassionate. You are worthy of love and kindness just like any other person.

Sara2000 · 03/10/2020 10:37

I wouldn't tell him. It's not going to help anyone and hes made it clear he doesnt want to know. I think sometimes we feel the need to confess to clear our conscience, which is about us rather than the person we are confessing to. I think you need to seek therapy to address your childhood issues as that's the real problem here.

CakeGirl2020 · 03/10/2020 10:38

If you’ve been together for years and you’ve not cheated since that time, why would you?

Are you looking to ruin your marriage? If you want a way out just go don’t be a coward and make him end it.

Ok back then you didn’t behave in a great way. Sometimes people fuck up and it’s what you do after the bad act that shows what kind of person you are...you claim to have been faithful since.

The fact he said he doesn’t what to know anything that happened before the wedding, i would say he knows or suspects anyway. He just doesn’t want to hear it from your mouth, for whatever reason.

Just keep your knickers on and move on with life.

flapjackfairy · 03/10/2020 10:39

Yes forgive yourself and forget it .

Ninkanink · 03/10/2020 10:43

@thedancingbear

Would you say the same to a man who'd had sex with lots of women at the beginning of a relationship because he'd had a difficult childhood?

We both know the answer.

I'm going to leave this thread alone now. I don't want to hurt the OP who is obviously having a difficult time. She is clearly not excusing her behaviour - the opposite - and I wish her well.

But the other posters saying 'what you did is fine hun' is a bit grim.

I expect you’ve left,

But yes, I absolutely would say the same to a man in the same circumstances.

MerryMarigold · 03/10/2020 10:43

I think he either suspects and doesn't want to know or he really doesn't want know. Either way, respect that.

It's your guilty conscience making you want to be 'honest'. But then it's all about what you want and what will make you feel better. If it makes you feel better and happier in your relationship, you could ask him if he meant that when he said it originally (if it was a long time ago). You are then journo up a discussion but if he really doesn't want to know he'll say so again.

MandosHatHair · 03/10/2020 10:47

Don't tell him, he obviously suspects but doesn't want to know the details. All you would be doing is hurting him to alleviate your own guilt, you cheated, you'll just have to live with the guilt.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/10/2020 10:49

Eleven years on what would be the point in telling him ? You might feel unburdened, but he would be hurt instead. He has clearly said that he has no desire to know, so leave it there. You have addressed your behaviour and the reasons why you were so self destructive. He would forgive you, so forgive yourself and treasure what you have now. There is no need to rake up this terrible time in your life, causing pain to both of you, to me that just seems a continuation of the self destruction that led to this situation in the first place.
Have you had any counselling or support for what happened to you ?

tornadoalley · 03/10/2020 10:53

No, no no. Provided you are sure there was no issue with StDs then there is nothing to be gained from your DHs point of view, and from yours, everything to lose. Just for a 5 minute release from guilt.

Just reverse and think about how he will feel?
Will he ever trust you again? A marriage without trust is no marriage at all.
Will you feel better knowing his opinion of you has plummeted maybe never to be retrieved?

You are better of discussing this in private with a counsellor

Pyewhacket · 03/10/2020 11:01

I would leave the past in the past. You can't do anything about it anyway and to "spill the beans" now , could possibly endanger you marriage. That you are troubled with it all these years later is penance enough. Just my take on it.

TableFlowerss · 03/10/2020 11:02

In this situation I’d say don’t tell him

ClinkyMonkey · 03/10/2020 11:20

Do not say a word. Not one word. No matter what you think, no matter what he says, everything will change.

He has said he is not interested and, while that's unlikely to be strictly true, take him at his word.

unmarkedbythat · 03/10/2020 11:22

He knows or suspects anyway, that's why he said don't tell him.

Live with the guilt.

Yawnyprawn · 03/10/2020 11:26

If you love him and want your marriage to last, don’t tell him. Find a therapist to help you work through your guilt. Don’t put your partner through the pain of your betrayal and then the hard work of forgiveness.

I’ve been on the other side of this, husband revealed past infidelities long after they occurred and it did us no good at all. I already suspected things had happened and had told husband not to tell me because I didn’t want to know. I was happy to let it lie. But he told me anyway to absolve himself of the guilt, and it broke us completely. He is moving out on Friday.

52andblue · 03/10/2020 11:26

You have been faithful, for 11 years, since you took, & kept, your vows.

Prior to this you were in a bad place (past trauma?) and made poor decisions based on this. Your H has said he wouldn't want to know the details. I suggest you go over this with a trained Counsellor, not your H, so you can at last put it behind you and look to your joint future.

CakeRequired · 03/10/2020 11:37

He already knows what you did. He maybe cheated on you too, hence why he doesnt care. Would you want to know if he had slept with multiple women while he was meant to be exclusive to you?

Chances are too, if he knows, he likely did shag other women too, thinking that it's fine since you did. You've got to live now wondering if he did and how many.

Summergarden · 03/10/2020 11:51

OP, he’s given you a free pass. Chances are he suspects but really doesn’t want to know. So please just leave it at that.

If you have any doubt at all re STDs please get tested though.

LookMoreCloselier · 03/10/2020 11:53

His comments makes me suspect that he also was unfaithful 'before your vows'.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 03/10/2020 11:53

No I wouldn't tell him. What's the point? You will just destroy the relationship if this is what you want to do.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 03/10/2020 11:56

if I’m honest, I’m not interested in anything that went on before we got married, before we made our vows to each other

He probably had affairs as well. Just leave it.

TingeOfTheGinge · 03/10/2020 11:57

You've asked the wrong question. The correct answer is- yes, you need therapy!

Mydogmylife · 03/10/2020 12:07

Get over yourself - he really doesn't want to know and you can't put the genie back in the bottle. If you must talk about it get some therapy

thedancingbear · 03/10/2020 12:42

He probably had affairs as well. Just leave it.

Has anything happened recently that make you want to jeopardise your marriage 11years on?

His comments makes me suspect that he also was unfaithful 'before your vows'.

Chances are too, if he knows, he likely did shag other women too, thinking that it's fine since you did. You've got to live now wondering if he did and how many.

Ah, I see. It's his fault.

Only took four pages.

SicklyToaster · 03/10/2020 12:44

I think you get a pass on this case.
If he said that it's because he knows/suspects you cheated, he's cheated himself or just genuinely wouldn't want to know.

thedancingbear · 03/10/2020 12:45

If he said that it's because... he's cheated himself

I give up

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