Page 3 | To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

MJMG2015 · 03/10/2020 09:53

@thedancingbear

Same old same old

man cheats on woman - total scumbag, she has a right to know
woman cheats on man - nothing good will come of telling him

really fucking boring now

Jesus, did you have an empathy bypass

The cheating went on for the first few months, with multiple people (can’t be sure how many). I was in a dreadful place when I met DH. I was drinking heavily and was traumatised from things that had happened to me

MahMahMahMahCorona · 03/10/2020 09:54

Stop trying to assuage your own guilt by forcing him to listen to your tales of infidelity. Instead, go and confess to a priest, or write it down and burn it.

I get that you feel guilty 11 years on but there is nothing that can change the past. Just draw a line under it and move on - leave it behind you. Your DH deserves not to know.

thedancingbear · 03/10/2020 09:57

The cheating went on for the first few months, with multiple people (can’t be sure how many). I was in a dreadful place when I met DH. I was drinking heavily and was traumatised from things that had happened to me

Always an excuse. Would a man be let off cheating because he was 'drinking heavily' and unspecified bad things had happened in his life?

of course not.

user1493413286 · 03/10/2020 09:58

I wouldn’t tell even if he hadn’t said that he didn’t want to know; at this point with DH (married, 2 kids, house) I wouldn’t want to know if he’d been unfaithful at the beginning as we wouldn’t split up over it and it’d just cause a lot of distress. Mine and DHs start of our relationship was messy on both sides and were both better off not knowing the full extent.

movingmuddle · 03/10/2020 10:00

DON'T TELL HIM!

He's said he doesn't want to know. It was 11 years ago. You will damage your relationship if you do.

We are taught really simple things when we're young: always tell the truth, always treat other people with respect (if you're with an abusive partner this does not apply. Took me years to work that one out) etc etc. But life is more complicated than those simple sayings. You need to be an adult about this.

The problem is your guilt. You need to find a way of forgiving yourself and moving on. Don't involve your husband in this.

Are you the same person you were 11 years ago? No. She was you, but you've moved on now. Forgive her, and give yourself permission to love your husband without guilt. It's what he - and you - deserves.

thedancingbear · 03/10/2020 10:02

Are you the same person you were 11 years ago? No. She was you, but you've moved on now. Forgive her, and give yourself permission to love your husband without guilt. It's what he - and you - deserves.

What has he done wrong to deserve this? Please can we cut the shit that it is somehow for his benefit

movingmuddle · 03/10/2020 10:02

@thedancingbear

The cheating went on for the first few months, with multiple people (can’t be sure how many). I was in a dreadful place when I met DH. I was drinking heavily and was traumatised from things that had happened to me

Always an excuse. Would a man be let off cheating because he was 'drinking heavily' and unspecified bad things had happened in his life?

of course not.

Oh, give over. It was at the beginning of the relationship, many years ago.

Loads of relationships start like this. It's totally different to someone (of whatever sex) cheating in an ongoing relationship.

Original poster

FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 10:03

@thedancingbear

I have experienced childhood trauma, neglect and abuse. As a result of this, when I got away from that abuse, I went completely off the rails and tried to sabotage anything even remotely good in my life. I felt worthless, useless and hopeless. I still do for the most part. It’s not an excuse for infidelity. I am disgusted by the ways I have behaved in my life. Hence the reason I said I don’t deserve my DH. He is not damaged like I am and could have someone that doesn’t come with the baggage.

I feel dirty, disgusting and depressed daily. Please don’t say that I’m excusing my behaviour... I remind myself of the terrible things I’ve done on a daily basis and despite my childhood struggles, I hold myself to account for these past mistakes every single day.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/10/2020 10:04

You want to dump your feelings of guilt onto him so he can give you a dispensation. So you will feel better, but he will feel worse.

Mumoftwo1994 · 03/10/2020 10:07

@FineAndDandyy

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

Keep quiet and get some counselling so you can verbally tell someone without it getting out. At this point very few marriages survive this sort of thing from what I know, even if you've been faithful during marriage and this was years ago.

movingmuddle · 03/10/2020 10:07

@thedancingbear

Are you the same person you were 11 years ago? No. She was you, but you've moved on now. Forgive her, and give yourself permission to love your husband without guilt. It's what he - and you - deserves.

What has he done wrong to deserve this? Please can we cut the shit that it is somehow for his benefit

You obviously have a very black and white view on this, and it's not particularly helpful.

This guy has explicitly said he doesn't want to know.

If he has said "I would never accept any infidelity under any circumstances even at the beginning of the relationship" then things would be different. I imagine that is what you'd say, and you'd be entitled to your feelings on this. In that case, you would deserve to know.

But, the OP's husband is not you. He has a different view on this.

He shouldn't have to deal with a potentially damaging revelation he's said he doesn't want to know about, just because people like you can't understand other people feel differently about this to you, and want to guilt trip the OP into blowing her relationship up, potentially.

Blackdog19 · 03/10/2020 10:07

Don’t tell him, he doesn’t want to know.

peboh · 03/10/2020 10:08

The reason I say to tell him is if my husband had cheated on me several times before we married I'd still want to know now. It doesn't necessarily mean I'd leave him, but if I had an inkling and he'd never told me I'd be more likely to end our marriage because I can't stand someone that can keep big lies like that.

thedancingbear · 03/10/2020 10:11

Would you say the same to a man who'd had sex with lots of women at the beginning of a relationship because he'd had a difficult childhood?

We both know the answer.

I'm going to leave this thread alone now. I don't want to hurt the OP who is obviously having a difficult time. She is clearly not excusing her behaviour - the opposite - and I wish her well.

But the other posters saying 'what you did is fine hun' is a bit grim.

movingmuddle · 03/10/2020 10:11

[quote FineAndDandyy]@thedancingbear

I have experienced childhood trauma, neglect and abuse. As a result of this, when I got away from that abuse, I went completely off the rails and tried to sabotage anything even remotely good in my life. I felt worthless, useless and hopeless. I still do for the most part. It’s not an excuse for infidelity. I am disgusted by the ways I have behaved in my life. Hence the reason I said I don’t deserve my DH. He is not damaged like I am and could have someone that doesn’t come with the baggage.

I feel dirty, disgusting and depressed daily. Please don’t say that I’m excusing my behaviour... I remind myself of the terrible things I’ve done on a daily basis and despite my childhood struggles, I hold myself to account for these past mistakes every single day.[/quote]
FineAndDandyy, lovely, you sound like you have difficult some stuff to deal with - not just to do with these feelings of guilt but in general.

Do you think you might consider going for counselling? Not so much for this current issue specifically, but to help process your past more generally?

You say you tried to sabotage anything even remotely good in my life... I still do for the most part.

Do you not think your feeling that you need to tell your husband might be this? Is your subconscious trying to sabotage your relationship?

Have you had counselling before? (Apologies if I missed this).

PurpleThistles84 · 03/10/2020 10:11

When I was young, I behaved in a similar manner OP. I was a very messed up young woman and I slept around a lot. Most of the time, it wasn’t even about sex, it was having someone there. Anyone. I had a boyfriend that I cheated five times on. I told him and he still wanted to be with me. I ended it because he most definitely deserved better.

Years on, I’m married with 5 kids and have never been unfaithful to my husband. I’ve done a lot of self work, I now know that my behaviour was a symptom of how mentally unwell I was at that time. I am not dirty, or worthless. I was sick. I didn’t believe anyone could ever love me and thought sex was a way to get love.

You have been married 11 years. You have been faithful. There is no need to tell your DH unless it will help you deal with your trauma. Seek counselling, read lots of self help books, work on yourself as much as you can. You are not these things you think you are. You are a loyal, faithful wife and very deserving of your DH, as he is you.

Eckhart · 03/10/2020 10:15

I think you're using this issue as a scapegoat to beat yourself up, and live through the awful feelings that your childhood has left you with.

Your husband has specifically said that he doesn't want to know about any unfaithfulness prior to your vows. This is 100% clear. He does not want to know. So as far as he's concerned, you're off the hook, and there's no issue.

You need to work out how to let yourself off the hook, without involving him. From what you've said about your childhood, it's not unusual to feel guilty all the time. You need to find a way to work through this to the other side. Possibly professional help.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/10/2020 10:17

Say nothing Dandy - anyone who's lived a life will have a history. Put it behind you where it belongs. Please don't worry about it any more.

Forgive yourself, OP. I hope you and DH enjoy the rest of your lives together.

Ninkanink · 03/10/2020 10:18

Before your thread is deleted,

You do not need to tell him. He has told you that. Believe him, trust him, and forgive yourself. Let it go.

Your guilt is completely unwarranted, and I feel you need to get some therapy or counselling to help you forgive yourself.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 03/10/2020 10:23

If you tell him, you’ll feel better because there’s no more secrets, but there’s a high chance you’ll have issues in your marriage going forward.

If you were able to right the wrongs of the past then I’d say confront it - for example if you were mean and nasty to someone. But as you can’t change the past, try and forget it. Live in the present and prepare for the future.

OhCaptain · 03/10/2020 10:29

He knows. Or at least suspects. And he’s clearly told you he doesn’t want you to tell him.

You want to tell him because you can’t deal with your guilt and feelings around it. That means you want to tell him for you and not for him.

That’s selfish.

You’ve been a faithful wife for 11 years. I’m assuming it’s a good relationship or you would have said otherwise.

Why unburden yourself? Why put all of that on his shoulders?

You want to tell him but you’ll still want his love, forgiveness, and companionship.

No.

You were dealing with trauma. You should tell a counsellor. You should talk to a professional about your past and about forgiving yourself and assuaging your guilt in a way that doesn’t destroy the life you’ve built.

But in this case, after over a decade? I think you’re self-sabotaging again. You’re not an unfaithful wife. Don’t ruin his life and yours because of mistakes you made while in a really dark, helpless place as a young woman.

howsicklyarsekissy · 03/10/2020 10:31

Stop beating yourself up like this. You are aware of the previous self sabotage which causesd your old behaviour . Why try to do it again by telling him & possibly wrecking your marriage. Like another poster said, box it up & move on & stop obsessing. Try to find other more positive things to obsess over. 💐

Mellonsprite · 03/10/2020 10:32

Don’t tell him, I don’t even think that it would help you. He might become unsettled, worried you’d have to deal with the fall out and everything that comes with it. Take him at his word- he doesn’t want to know.

Geronimorlassie · 03/10/2020 10:33

Yanbu. You need to take this on this on the chin and forget it.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/10/2020 10:36

Has anything happened recently that make you want to jeopardise your marriage 11years on?