To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

[FineAndDandyy]

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

If someone cheated on you, OP, would you want the opportunity to decide whether or not you wished to continue with the relationship? Or would you prefer to be ignorant about what has happened?

Personally, I don’t think the continuing of your relationship in the event of cheating is your decision to make. You don’t mess with people’s lives in this way and expect them to just carry on regardless.

They already know and don't want to hear about it.

Put it behind you and move on!

If it makes you feel better then you should say that you want to tell him.
As he’s being so casual about it I’m going to assume that he already knows, or that he was unfaithful at that time too.
You won’t be able to forgive yourself, and ultimately get over it, until you’ve told him.

he doesn't want to know. I wouldn't be surprised if he was also playing around while you were in different countries ... hence he's not sharing either.

To those saying I should still tell him, would that not be me going against his wishes? He has told me he wouldn’t want to know. Is it right of me to hurt him with this information when he has specifically asked me not to?

DON’T TELL. it might make you feel better but it will damage your relationship. There’s nothing to be gained by telling him now. Please keep quiet.

The time to tell him was before you married.Not 11 years down the line.

Either he knows you where unfaithful,and doesn't want to have it confirmed.
Or he was unfaithful as well at that time and doesn't want to open that can of worms.

Just put it to the back of your mind and keep stum.

Don't tell him.

You could tell him how not telling him makes you feel, and that maybe telling him would let you forgive yourself.

Don't tell OP but get some counselling. You need a lot more help than you think you do with all of this. You have been faithful in marriage so there are no issues that he is interested in. Take him at his word, forgive yourself and get some talking thereapy to get it all in perspective.

@FineAndDandyy

To those saying I should still tell him, would that not be me going against his wishes? He has told me he wouldn’t want to know. Is it right of me to hurt him with this information when he has specifically asked me not to?

So why bother asking ?

He knows, but does not want to have a conversation about it. Eleven years ago you were a different person, put it away in the past where it belongs.

Honestly life is too short to worry about what happened a decade ago.

@FippertyGibbett

So why bother asking ?

Whenever I start convincing myself I need to tell him, that’s always what stops me from doing so (the fact he’s asked me not to). So I was genuinely wondering what your take on it would be?

As I said before, you won’t forgive yourself until you tell him.
But be prepared for your marriage to end if you do. I’m not saying it will end as he has already said he doesn’t care. But it could end.
And how would you feel if he similarly wanted to unburden himself and told you that he had slept with double the number you slept with, or that he had slept with a man.
You could be opening up a can of worms.
You need to either fess up and take any consequences, or get over it.

Keep it buttoned, you can never take your words back and they will hurt

[quote FineAndDandyy]@FippertyGibbett

So why bother asking ?

Whenever I start convincing myself I need to tell him, that’s always what stops me from doing so (the fact he’s asked me not to). So I was genuinely wondering what your take on it would be?[/quote]
If you want to hurt him and end your marriage I'd tell him.

Otherwise keep quiet.

Keep quiet.

If he knows enough about you to know you were in a bad place when you met him, and if this is something that you have been agonising over for years, I would tell him. Not all the detail but something along the lines of .........I know you have said you are not interested in what went on before we married but I am finding it hard to move on from the guilt of having been unfaithful to you when we were supposed to be exclusive. I was such a mess then but I love you so much that I I need to be honest with you and not keep secrets from you. etc etc.

I confess that I voted YABU before I read right through the thread. I think now that your DH already knows that you cheated back then, or strongly suspects it, and genuinely doesn’t want to know. He’s made a definite decision that he doesn’t want to know, so you should forgive yourself as well.

I also think you should consider undergoing talking therapy, however. Eleven years is a long time to hold on to guilt.

You made your vows and gave been faithful. Don't ruin it. If your DH is happy with how things are don't ruin his life by unloading your guilt. That is a price you have to pay. I wouldn't want to know about something that happened years ago if it was going to change how I feel now. It would be different if you cheated last week or last year or even after you got married but no let sleeping dogs lie.

I think he knows already, OP, and was unfaithful to you during that time too. It's not a conversation he wants to have.

Just forget about it, why if your happy would you bring it up?

How would you feel if he told you he was unfaithful to you at that time?

Same old same old

man cheats on woman - total scumbag, she has a right to know
woman cheats on man - nothing good will come of telling him

really fucking boring now

I think you should get some counselling fir what happened before you slept with multiple men to deal with it.

Not because there's anything wrong with having lots of sex with lots of men, but using it to deal with trauma is damaging.

It may be that you need to discuss the trauma with your DH & then possibly what you did after, but NOT in the way you're talking about 'confessing to cheating'.

Stop beating yourself up and get some help 🌷