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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

195 replies

FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 07:49

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

OP posts:
Aridane · 03/10/2020 12:49

(11 votes, 1 comment. I find it weird that people do that*

Why?

Boobissue · 03/10/2020 12:56

Totally agree with @thedancingbear, why does it mean he's cheated himself?

Would you say that it the situation was reversed and it was the wife who didn't want to know?

Women can be serial adulterers.

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/10/2020 12:56

You werent married then so I wouldn’t mention it.

Elsewyre · 03/10/2020 12:58

@FineAndDandyy

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

"later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?"

The only reason to ever say that to your partner is if you already know/have been told about thier infidelity and have made peace with it. Even if it's just a "pretending it didnt happen/not wanting to know the details" level of acceptance

Butchyrestingface · 03/10/2020 13:09

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

Last week, if I recall correctly.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

I agree with PP. He already knows. He’s telling you to let it go.

OhCaptain · 03/10/2020 13:15

@thedancingbear you’re really trying to flog that horse aren’t you?! Grin

It’s entirely possible that he also cheated and that’s why he wants the past left in the past. It’s equally possible that he didn’t cheat.

You don’t need to be a one-person crusader for mankind on the thread.

Yorkshirelass04 · 03/10/2020 14:02

I think it would be selfish to tell him. You are bearing the guilt which is right because you know it wasn't a nice thing to do.

But by telling him you are sharing the pain, and there's no need. Move on with your relationship.

unmarkedbythat · 03/10/2020 14:14

[quote OhCaptain]@thedancingbear you’re really trying to flog that horse aren’t you?! Grin

It’s entirely possible that he also cheated and that’s why he wants the past left in the past. It’s equally possible that he didn’t cheat.

You don’t need to be a one-person crusader for mankind on the thread.[/quote]
Oh come on, don't be so snide. No one is crusading for mankind, and plenty of us see her point.

unmarkedbythat · 03/10/2020 14:15

Sorry dancing, that quote will have tagged you

JenniferSantoro · 03/10/2020 14:25

Unless you want to hurt him it’s pointless telling him. You need to draw a line under it yourself. Stop torturing yourself.

BeakyWinder · 03/10/2020 14:30

Did you post about this quite a long time ago? There was a poster who had been through a horrendous time and cheated on her DH when she was very young and in a bad place. You don't have to say if it is you, but if it is and this is still on your mind then that cant be good for your mental health. You need to work on forgiving yourself because it seemed like your DH has. Apologies if I've mixed you up with them.

HelloHello89 · 03/10/2020 15:27

You only want to tell him to clear your conscience/make yourself feel better. Don't do it. You need to get some counselling.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/10/2020 15:29

It's in your past. Stop torturing yourself.

annabel85 · 03/10/2020 15:32

@thedancingbear

Same old same old

man cheats on woman - total scumbag, she has a right to know
woman cheats on man - nothing good will come of telling him

really fucking boring now

A lot of women on here don't even view men as human
D4rwin · 03/10/2020 15:37

Do you actually believe that? Wow. You've lied this long, obviously carried on with the sham of a marriage for some reason. I guess that's changed and you're now looking to grab the assets and run?

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 15:57

@D4rwin ????

What do you mean? If I wanted to leave why wouldn’t I? I love my husband but I hate myself for what I have done and the person I used to be.

OP posts:
BookWormBitch · 03/10/2020 16:31

Simple advice, move on and get over it. You’d ruin his life and your life if you told him. Get therapy. Why are you even asking this question?

TingeOfTheGinge · 03/10/2020 16:43

It's interesting that you don't seem to spare the comments about therapy. You need to deal with this, but seem to be in denial and looking for get out clauses.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 17:07

I know I need counselling. I really struggle to deal with the rejection/mistreatment I’ve suffered from my parents.

I don’t feel like dealing with that will help me much with dealing with this situation. Like people have said, there’s nothing I can do to fix this and therein lies the problem.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 03/10/2020 17:12

I'd bet that he was shagging round too before the marriage...Hence why he doesn't want to talk about it or acknowledge anything prior to the wedding...

Ninkanink · 03/10/2020 17:13

@FineAndDandyy

I know I need counselling. I really struggle to deal with the rejection/mistreatment I’ve suffered from my parents.

I don’t feel like dealing with that will help me much with dealing with this situation. Like people have said, there’s nothing I can do to fix this and therein lies the problem.

You are treating yourself the way your parents did. Counselling to help you with that will help you to treat yourself more generously.

Life is short. Don’t waste it hating yourself.

DillonPanthersTexas · 03/10/2020 17:15

I'd bet that he was shagging round too before the marriage...Hence why he doesn't want to talk about it or acknowledge anything prior to the wedding..

Or maybe he suspected something in the past but is happy with where they are at now, ignorance is bliss and in that.

user1471565182 · 03/10/2020 17:16

Come on, if we keep pushing we can have him as an abusive murderer by the end of the day

LindaEllen · 03/10/2020 17:30

Honestly, don't tell him. You've admitted yourself that you weren't in a good place when you cheated, and that you've bene faithful now for 11 years.

The only thing that can come of this is that he gets upset - and what's the point?

TingeOfTheGinge · 03/10/2020 17:35

@FineAndDandyy

I know I need counselling. I really struggle to deal with the rejection/mistreatment I’ve suffered from my parents.

I don’t feel like dealing with that will help me much with dealing with this situation. Like people have said, there’s nothing I can do to fix this and therein lies the problem.

You're making unfair assumptions. Until you can be settled in your own mind and deal with your history, your decisions will always be tainted by it.
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