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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

195 replies

FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 07:49

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 03/10/2020 17:40

What does it matter now, anyway? It was years ago. He's told you he prefers not to know so respect that.

Ninkanink · 03/10/2020 17:48

There are plenty of good, decent, kind and compassionate men in the world. They would not want to cause further harm or trauma or pain to a victim of abuse/neglect/terror. They would not want to be unnecessarily told things that are of no practical concern to them. They would believe in the concept of redemption, and the value of forgiveness.

He loves OP and values her, as far as any of us can know it. He has told her straight out that he isn’t interested/doesn’t want to know/doesn’t need to be told/whatever the case may be.

@FineAndDandyy I wish you peace.

CakeRequired · 03/10/2020 17:54

@thedancingbear

I don't think it's his fault at all. I'm only pointing out to the op that he may have cheated too, hence why he's not bothered about the past. He may not have done, but either way, what op did is not his fault. It would be his fault if he cheated, but only about his cheating, that didn't cause her to cheat.

She shouldn't have cheated, for any reason. I get that traumatic things happened to op, but that's not an excuse. If you're struggling with trauma, you speak to someone about it. Shagging around is never, ever the answer or the cure. It will never make you feel better, even if single. As proven, it makes you feel even worse when in a relationship. Cheating is never the answer to anything.

I'm pointing that op has to live with this guilt forever, and she also has to live with the knowledge that he may have been shagging around too. If she's happy wi, th both of those, carry on. I couldn't live like that to be honest, but if you want to, go ahead.

DillonPanthersTexas · 03/10/2020 17:59

I don't think it's his fault at all. I'm only pointing out to the op that he may have cheated too

Just seems like a bit of a baseless accusation that does not really contribute much.

Terrace58 · 03/10/2020 17:59

I would get extensive STD testing and if everything comes back clean, let this be part of the past.

CakeRequired · 03/10/2020 18:10

Just seems like a bit of a baseless accusation that does not really contribute much.

Contributes a lot really. Is op OK knowing that he may have cheated too? Would she want to know? Would she feel the same as him and not want to know? If they've both cheated, then does it matter to either of them? They are both the same.

The fact is he may know what she did, based on what he said. It's a bit odd to be OK with the fact of knowing your wife has shagged many other men while she was with you. Not unheard of, but odd. More likely that he's fine with it because he did the same. We can't know for sure of course.

thedancingbear · 03/10/2020 18:14

^Contributes a lot really. Is op OK knowing that he may have cheated too? Would she want to know? Would she feel the same as him and not want to know? If they've both cheated, then does it matter to either of them? They are both the same.

The fact is he may know what she did, based on what he said. It's a bit odd to be OK with the fact of knowing your wife has shagged many other men while she was with you. Not unheard of, but odd. More likely that he's fine with it because he did the same. We can't know for sure of course.^

Baseless and ludicrous.

VenusTiger · 03/10/2020 18:30

@FineAndDandyy are you only feeling the guilt and having the bad dreams now because of what he said the other day? If so, does it mean you only want to tell him because you've been found out and that you need to let go of the guilt?
He either doesn't want the hurt of knowing or he just doesn't care about the past, otherwise he wouldn't have said what he did - but you're carrying a burden around with you now, that I presume you weren't carrying before he said this?
IMO "I'm not interested" can also mean that he doesn't really care as opposed to that he doesn't want to know. Could you tell him that you need to talk about something he might not "be interested in" but that it's eating you up? He's your DH and it does concern him seeing as you're his life partner. Let go of the guilt and talk to him.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 18:36

@VenusTiger - this isn’t something he said the other day. He said it a couple of years ago. He also said once that he wouldn’t want to know if I had cheated at the start of the relationship. He said that when we were newly married, many many years ago. I told him the same. We were very young when we met and living in different countries. Not that that is an excuse. I just know I could forgive him if the shoe was on the other foot.

OP posts:
Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 18:38

All that being said, I still feel I don’t deserve him and feel like a terrible person for how I’ve behaved.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 03/10/2020 19:10

He's literally told you that he's not interested in talking about it. Is there a reason you're flagellating yourself so much about it? Something masochistic? Do you somehow feel you redeem yourself by tearing yourself up over it? You didn't kill anyone and he's explicitly told you he isn't interested, plus it was years ago before marriage and kids. There's truly no reason to beat yourself up like this on anyone else's account, so it does sound as though you're doing it for your own.

VenusTiger · 03/10/2020 19:23

So let's imagine then @FineAndDandyy that you told him this morning and he responded with "I'm not interested FineAndDandyy, it was years ago at the start of our relationship, let's move on shall we".
In other words OP, he already knows - he can see it's eating you up and he doesn't want to neither talk about it (as he probably thinks it's utterly pointless) nor does he want to know the facts as it may be pointlessly hurtful for both of you.
He's given you a free ride here to move on, without saying that he knows. Please, please just let go of it and drop it. Live your life for today.
If you still can't move on, write it down in a matter of fact way and give it to him. Tell him you don't expect a reply. Move on.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/10/2020 19:31

If you still can't move on, write it down in a matter of fact way and give it to him. Tell him you don't expect a reply.

That's telling him, which he doesn't want, and even trying to refuse him a response. Write the letter if you must but then burn it if that helps. Writing letters is rarely a good way of getting a truly good result that's cathartic and productive for both parties. It's usually a way for the writer to have their say without having to endure a reaction, as would be the case if OP did this.

He doesn't want to hear about this, OP. That really suggests he knows and doesn't care, but doesn't want to dig around in the distant unknown past creating potential wounds that just don't need to be there or just having an unnecessary drama. Ask yourself why you're torturing yourself like this because it's clearly not for his benefit.

Codexdivinchi · 03/10/2020 19:32

I think I remember your first post and the replies were pretty much similar. Obviously those replies were not the ones you wanted to hear.

He has more or less told you he doesn’t care what you did pre marriage but your still punishing and tormenting yourself.

Tell him. Tell him that your tormented by it but prepare for the fall out. He may be tormented by it as you’ve pushed the burden on him OR he may forgive you.

Personally I wouldn’t. We can reinvent ourself every day and move forward. The old you doesn’t exist anymore. You, as his wife never cheated.

CornishTiger · 03/10/2020 19:45

You are continuing to self sabotage as you don’t feel good enough. Counselling will help. Telling your DP can be something you discuss in counselling.

You need specialist counselling for survivors of abuse. I’m assuming it was sexual abuse. Look at the charities and commissioned services in your area. Good luck.

TingeOfTheGinge · 03/10/2020 20:09

@FineAndDandyy

All that being said, I still feel I don’t deserve him and feel like a terrible person for how I’ve behaved.
Again- therapy!

Your feelings are about you, you feel inadequate. You need to sort yourself out before you can think about helping someone else.

Embracelife · 03/10/2020 20:33

Tell your therapist.
It s been 11 years
If coming to surface you need s counsrllor or therapist

LookMoreCloselier · 03/10/2020 23:12

Dancingbear it's not at all baseless, its fairly common for someone in a relationship to suspect the other has cheated if they have themselves.

BookWormBitch · 04/10/2020 07:50

You don’t need to fix it! There’s nothing to fix. I think you have deeper issues than this. See a councillor.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 04/10/2020 12:26

I have had the absolute best years of my life with my husband. He is the first person to show me what love feels like. The first person to choose to have me in their life, rather than having to put up with me. We’ve travelled places together, laughed together, hugged, cried and been there for each other through the good and bad. I have the most amazing memories from this last decade but for the last 18 months, I have lost that feeling of happiness and am now just haunted by my thoughts and memories of how I treated this man who is most definitely the love of my life. How can I ever truly believe that I deserve him? How can I look him in the eye and when he tells me he loves me and say it back to him, as if none of this stuff happened.

He always tells me what an amazing person I am. I do always look out for others and try to help others wherever I can and he sees this good in me. What hurts is that, if he knew the truth, he wouldn’t see that. His opinions of me are not based on truth. They are based on the person he thinks I am and I know if I told the truth, that opinion would never be the same. The first person to believe in me and to truly love me would know that I don’t deserve be that belief and that love.

My own mum wasn’t able to see any good in me. She never ever could no matter how hard I tried to make her love me and to make her proud of me. Maybe she had a point. How can I ever truly feel happy with the weight of all of this hanging over me? My husband and children deserve more than I will ever have to offer them. I feel so much pain for what I have done to them. I don’t know how to ever heal from this.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2020 12:36

OP, you need to get counselling. Your husband has explicitly told you that the stuff you're agonising about is no issue to him, so he's not benefiting from this self flagellating. Why would he even say that if he didn't realise? You weren't married and your children weren't even twinkles in your eye, so it's no consequence to them either.

You obviously get some sort of satisfaction in torturing yourself over this; not pleasure or happiness, exactly, but it satisfies some sort of need in you to tell yourself over and over how awful you are. Your background is complex and painful and good therapy will hopefully help you to overcome it. But this semi-masochistic self torment isn't going to help anyone at all, including and especially your husband and kids.

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 12:37

You need to reframe this as "should I respect my husband's explicit wishes?"

And yes, you should.

This is your burden to bear not his. So it's up to you to work through why it's raised to the surface and feels so urgent and anxiety inducing now after so long.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 04/10/2020 12:53

Thanks for your post @ShebaShimmyShake. I can see truth in what you are saying.

@newnameforthis123 the trouble I have is that I don’t know how I can bear this burden anymore 😢

OP posts:
BorderlineHappy · 04/10/2020 13:22

Ok @FineAndDandyy say you tell him and he leaves.

Weigh up the 2.Which is worse.You knowing and not saying anything.
Or saying something and he leaves.

Because you wont only be unburdening yourself.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 04/10/2020 13:29

@BorderlineHappy it’s the thought that if he knew, he wouldn’t want me, that tears me apart.

OP posts: