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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

195 replies

FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 07:49

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 13:32

[quote FineAndDandyy]@BorderlineHappy it’s the thought that if he knew, he wouldn’t want me, that tears me apart.[/quote]
He's basically told you that though. He thought he could trust you to be faithful back then but you weren't and since then he has asked you explicitly not to tell him about anything you did re cheating before marriage. So telling him again would be breaking his trust twice and would be indicative of you not being able to be in a healthy relationship with him. If you can't put the relationship before you needing to feel unburdened then that's your prerogative but you can't seriously think it will result in anything other than him being devastated - first about the cheating and secondly about your dismissal of his request not to tell him. It's ok to be selfish sometimes if you accept the consequences. It was selfish to cheat and would be selfish to tell him, and then consequences would be either him leaving you at worst or him staying but being really really sad and losing his trust in you at best.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 04/10/2020 13:49

So how do I go about moving on from this? How do I put this out of my head and move forward? Because I don’t know how to be happy anymore and life is feeling increasingly difficult to face each day.

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 04/10/2020 13:51

Forgive yourself op, no need to beat yourself up for the rest of your life.

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 13:52

Loads of us have suggested counselling, why are you so resistant to trying that? You have lots of unresolved issues and feeling you are 'disgusting' is disproportionate and so unhealthy. Why don't you want to start getting some help for that? At least try unburdening yourself to a stranger who won't judge you before unburdening yourself to him and devastating him.

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 13:57

@Namechange8471

Forgive yourself op, no need to beat yourself up for the rest of your life.
And I agree with this. You're going to make this a toxic issue if you don't try to work through it yourself. Neither of you deserve to have your world fall apart for mistakes made a decade ago if it's genuinely a good relationship now.
yubjo9 · 04/10/2020 14:14

OP, you were a very different person a decade ago. You need to let this one go, forgive yourself and forget about it. If it comes up, deal with then. Judging by your husband's reaction, it won't. Trust that he knows something went on but still wants to be with you anyway.

BorderlineHappy · 04/10/2020 15:08

it’s the thought that if he knew, he wouldn’t want me, that tears me apart.

I think he does know or at least suspects.So for him to keep his head in the sand and keep your marriage going,hes asking you to not make it real.

You need to tell someone,either a councelor or a priest.You need someone to absolve you.But it cant/wont be your DH.

FippertyGibbett · 04/10/2020 15:17

@FineAndDandyy

So how do I go about moving on from this? How do I put this out of my head and move forward? Because I don’t know how to be happy anymore and life is feeling increasingly difficult to face each day.
I’ve not read the whole thread but this one statement makes me think you need to speak to your GP 💐 I wonder if you’re using this to punish yourself in some way. It happened a long time ago and your DH isn’t interested. When my DH was suffering anxiety, before he went on the meds, he would find something to be anxious about. When I cured that problem he would find something else. It was never ending and exhausting. You need to speak to a professional.
TingeOfTheGinge · 04/10/2020 15:50

@FineAndDandyy

So how do I go about moving on from this? How do I put this out of my head and move forward? Because I don’t know how to be happy anymore and life is feeling increasingly difficult to face each day.
You move on from it with therapy! Honestly, I know you don't like the idea, but you need it x
ShellsAndSunrises · 04/10/2020 15:59

You need to get counselling. Potentially a lot of it. You’re not alone in having neglectful parents... there’s loads of us. Many did exactly what you did; and looked for acceptance wherever they could find it, usually in men. Some threw themselves into work and stuck with partners who were knobs, like I did. It doesn’t make you worthless. Counselling was one of the roughest things I’ve done but absolutely essential to feeling better now; to being happy.

Nobody can say why your husband feels like he does. Maybe previous posters are right, and he either cheated himself and feels awful for it, or he suspects you did but doesn’t want to make it real. Either way, he doesn’t want to know. He has an idea, it’s not a big secret, or he’d never have said that to you. So you’re not living a big lie... you’re getting help to be the best you possible, the best partner to him and mum to your kids, and you’re keeping this secret because he’s asked you to. It was over 11 years ago.

If it happened again, it wouldn’t be explainable. And in most circumstances, I’d say he deserves to know. But here it seems that he already does, and he doesn’t want to know more, and it’ll do far more good for you all if you focus on healing and not sharing the burden.

All the best Flowers

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2020 19:30

@FineAndDandyy

So how do I go about moving on from this? How do I put this out of my head and move forward? Because I don’t know how to be happy anymore and life is feeling increasingly difficult to face each day.
Has something happened recently to bring this up, OP, and make it more important now than it's been for the past 11 years or however long?
Mydogmylife · 04/10/2020 19:47

Op, why are you so determined to self sabotage your life? As nearly every poster on here has said in one way or another -HE DOESNT WANT YOU TO FESS UP! He either knows or suspects and over the last 11 years has made peace with it. Your determination to bare all your secrets is in some ways very selfish, it's all about making you feel better, you're really not considering your husband. As I said earlier it's a therapist you should be speaking to , why are you so resistant?

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2020 20:04

You're obviously in pain OP, so please know that I say this as gently as possible...given that your husband has made it clear that nothing that happened before your wedding matters and he doesn't want to make an issue of it, there does seem to be something a little self-indulgent in this excessive self-flagellation. Especially if you're resisting seeing a therapist who could help you to deal with it and bring it to an end.

It really isn't helping your husband and kids to have a wife/mother in permanent turmoil over something that isn't an issue to them or anyone else. You need to let go of this for their sake if not your own. A professional can help.

Mydogmylife · 04/10/2020 20:14

@ShebaShimmyShake
You have said pretty much the same as me ( and many others) but perhaps rather more politely!

Sadly because , as you say the op is suffering, this is turning into a classic AIBU when almost everyone says one thing and the op doesn't agree. Other than dragging her to some form of therapy I really don't see what else can be done!

Newmumatlast · 04/10/2020 20:52

I would've told him ages and ages ago at the time it happened as I never want lies from my partner even the ones that might hurt him. Vice versa. I would feel so much more betrayed by the lie than the act. I honestly don't know how people can love with these sorts of secrets. It is worse than actually doing the deed.

I would say though that it sounds like he knows however you said it was only the first few months. I wonder given he said he wouldn't want to know about anything pre marriage rather than not in the first few months if he has also been unfaithful but closer to the wedding? Maybe you're both more alike than you realise. I guess that's the problem with holding onto secrets - you will always have doubts about reality.

If i were you i would just fess up and ask him too and just put it all out on the table but understand why you may not now given you've let it go on so long

Newmumatlast · 04/10/2020 20:53

*live not love. Freudian slip

Littlepaws18 · 04/10/2020 21:04

In my first marriage I cheated (before I was married). I kept quiet as I realised I was being a total idiot and this man was good. I worked hard after that to keep my marriage working. The burden of guilt was immense and I absolutely gave myself a mental kicking over it. I'm glad I didn't tell him but the burden in my mind changed things for me. It is hands down the biggest regret of my life. Though we split fit different reasons, those actions I did, did have a massive impact. I learnt my lesson the hard way and will never ever cheat again.

Suzi888 · 04/10/2020 21:11

Completely agree with @newnameforthis123
He doesn’t want to know, he probably suspects anyway. Respect his wishes.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 04/10/2020 21:40

I do agree with what many of you are saying, that I need counselling. I know that’s true. I have actually had counselling before but for an entirely different reason. I really do need to go to counselling for my problems from childhood.

I just can’t see how this will help me forgive myself for cheating. I was 20 when I cheated. I lived in a different country to DH and would see him very rarely. My life at that point was an absolute mess. DH truly saved me.

Those of you who say that I’m not the same person now, you are completely right with that. I was very destructive then. I let people, particularly men, treat me like dirt because I would do anything to be wanted in some way and to not feel alone. Also, being treated like dirt was all I knew.

I’m so grateful that DH came into my life when he did but my destructive behaviour overlapped with the start of our relationship. DH knew exactly how messed up I was when he met me. He knows I have been through some terrible times. I know there are many reasons (not excuses) as to why I behaved how I did, but it doesn’t change the fact I did it and now our marriage feels tainted. I’m not sure that counselling will be able to change that.

I don’t want to tell DH or to hurt him in any way. I have considered leaving him so that I don’t need to carry this guilt anymore but equally, so that I don’t need to hurt him by telling him what I did. I just had a crap start in life and I want a chance at happiness. I know that’s selfish of me, I know how bad that sounds. I also want my husband to be happy, more than anything if I’m honest. I just feel that he deserves more than someone who would treat him how I did. I can still picture his face when we’d meet up after a month apart and he’d be so pleased to see me and I’d be feeling like the most dirty, lying piece of rubbish. He was so good to me and I just did everything in my power to destroy what we had. I completely disregarded his feelings and made an utter fool out of him. I was so selfish that I wanted to ruin it so that I wouldn’t have to be on the receiving end of the rejection when he inevitably ditched me. Little did I know he would be the one who wanted to stay and who saw some good in me.

Sometimes still when I look at him, I just feel like I have made such a fool of him. He deserves an amazing life with someone who treats him the way he deserves. Not someone who looks at him and is filled with guilt and shame.

OP posts:
GeorgeDavidson · 04/10/2020 21:55

Bull crap is he not interested.
Do not say a word.

Mydogmylife · 04/10/2020 22:00

Op, you are just repeating the same things over and over! You keep saying you can't see how counselling will help - you haven't tried! You need to learn to change your mindset and forgive yourself . You say you love your DH but you won't try something that might help your whole marriage. You are still trying to self destruct, and bring him down with you. Please get help

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 22:05

Well everyone has explained why counselling for this specific issue would be helpful and at this point you've just again said you've had it before (for something else) and you don't see why it would work. If you're not willing to try it in order to move past how you're feeling then it feels like you're intent on sabotaging the relationship.

Mydogmylife · 04/10/2020 22:15

@newnameforthis123
Agreed!

Laureline · 04/10/2020 22:43

I haven’t read everything but you sound quite self-destructive, OP. It’s almost like you want the drama, and the end of your relationship.

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2020 22:51

Agree with Mydogmylife and newnameforthis.

Again meant gently, OP...there are no morality or redemption points to be gained by this repetitive, pointless and endless cycle of self-flagellation. It's just going to send you down and take your husband with you. It's harmful and isn't making you a "better" person. It's draining just to read!

The one thing that might help you and, by extension, help the people you love is the one thing you seem intent on not doing. Why is that?