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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my DH I was unfaithful?

195 replies

FineAndDandyy · 03/10/2020 07:49

I’ve posted about this before but I’m having a wobble.

There is a huge backstory but I’m going to keep this simple.

If you were unfaithful multiple times at the beginning of a relationship (and were supposed to be exclusive), subsequently married that person and they had later told you they weren’t interested in anything that went on before you made your vows on your wedding day, would you tell them?

YABU - I would still tell them the truth
YANBU - I wouldn’t tell them since they said they aren’t interested.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 04/10/2020 23:02

Do you think your dh is not happy?
Why do you think that?

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 04/10/2020 23:37

I will look into counselling. It’s the only route I have left (other than coming clean) and I know I can’t go on like this any longer.

@Embracelife I think my DH is very happy, but that makes me feel worse. What he thinks is reality is based on lies.

OP posts:
Twillow · 04/10/2020 23:40

Don't. You run the risk of your honesty ruining your marriage, planting seeds of suspicion in your husband and being used against you in arguments.
I speak from experience and this was from before we even met!!

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 23:41

Have a look at EDMR. It can really help with trauma that is related to specific incidents. You won't feel better unburdening to him and he has explicitly set out his boundaries so to ignore them would just be an additional betrayal. I wonder if you can really see that or if at the moment you don't get why everyone is so passionately telling you that it would be unfair to tell him based on the fact he's been so clear on his boundaries?

Twillow · 04/10/2020 23:42

Have you tried writing it down? To purge your feelings. You could ceremonially burn it, or put it in a blank envelope and post it.

Comtesse · 04/10/2020 23:46

OP I think I read your threads before. You are torturing yourself. Psychotherapy is the answer here. Maybe EMDR would free you. We all make mistakes all the time. Things that happened in the past need to stay there Flowers

CornishTiger · 05/10/2020 06:21

@FineAndDandyy rough area you are and I’ll look at free specialist services for you.

movingmuddle · 05/10/2020 14:20

What he thinks is reality is based on lies

That's not true! What he thinks is that he knows you, the person you are today and loves you.

He knows you had a past, and has made it clear he's happy for it to stay there.

You are beating yourself up about this unnecessarily.

If he had said to you it was important to know about what happened before you got married, then you'd be lying if you omitted details. But he didn't say this in fact he said quite the opposite.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 09/10/2020 15:45

I just wanted to update you all.

After literally years of being haunted by this, I have told my husband. He is in another country at the moment and was paying me compliments on some things I’ve achieved lately. I just hate listening to him compliment me because I don’t feel deserving of it.

I ended up spilling the beans and he told me that it’s okay. That I am a good person who had a difficult start in life. He said that he knows I was in a very bad place when we met and he loves me regardless of anything that went on back then. Not sure what I did in life to deserve this amazing man. A huge part of me believes he could do much better but I’m going to see if counselling will help me through those feelings.

Thank you all so much for your support. I hope this can be a turning point for me.

OP posts:
Aridane · 09/10/2020 15:56

I am pleased for you

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 09/10/2020 16:43

Thanks @Aridane

I just blurted it out. I couldn’t hold on to it anymore. I know some people will say that was selfish of me but I wasn’t able to love him the way he deserves to be loved, because of all the things I had done wrong to him. I hope that now I can be the mother and wife that my family deserve.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 09/10/2020 17:19

I would’ve been truthful before getting married. What’s the point coming clean now Confused

vdbfamily · 09/10/2020 17:21

that is great news but you now need to forgive yourself and let go of all the guilt. He sounds like a keeper x

Wondergirl100 · 09/10/2020 17:23

Gosh OP good for you. I read this whole thread and felt so strongly that you should tell him - it was eating you up inside. For people saying what is the point - humans make mistakes, the OP wanted to be honest with her partner about her failings because love is built on honesty.

well done I hope you find peace. I agree - you must let go of the guilt and shame - get that counselling as well.

Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 09/10/2020 17:23

Thanks @vdbfamily. He has text me to say that he loves me no matter what and I’m his one and only. I feel like the luckiest person alive. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I need to learn to love myself. I have the best possible person by my side to help me to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
FineAndDandyy · 09/10/2020 17:54

Thank you @Wondergirl100

I feel as though I did that thing but I also understand how big a risk it was and how different the outcome could have been. I’m very lucky to have such an understanding and forgiving husband. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.

OP posts:
LookAtMee · 09/10/2020 17:55

*did the right thing

Butterflyqueen990 · 09/10/2020 20:41

Tell him. He deserves to know.

Butterflyqueen990 · 09/10/2020 20:42

Sorry just saw you have! Well done

Namechange8471 · 09/10/2020 21:11

I am so pleased for you op, now please move on and don't torture yourself any more.

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