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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to give up football so I can work?

354 replies

Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:38

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/10/2020 21:41

of he urged you to take it rope in your mother then when she let's you down he will have to sort it won't he?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/10/2020 21:42

Of course YANBU at all.

Do you have a hobby btw? I assume he looks after the children at some point so you get to go to your hobby

RedMarauder · 02/10/2020 21:43

He gives up his hobby so you can do this job. The benefit of that is he ends up having a good relationship with both your joint kids going forward as they will see him as the person to care for them on the weekend.

If he's unhappy doing that he needs to find/pay for a baby sitter while he does his hobby.

happytoday73 · 02/10/2020 21:43

You go to work. He will have to sort out childcare

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/10/2020 21:44

In my opinion you look after the kids when he works. He should work out something when you works. But in practice if he has been playing football for years then yes it's a bit harsh to tell him he is stopping it.

I think you need to have a proper sit down chat and work our what's best for you as a family. For example would putting your children in nursery in the week and getting a week day job be an option?

CyberNan · 02/10/2020 21:44

they are his children and he should be expected to do his share of the childcare.

its not like you are asking him to look after them while you play football...

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:45

Absolutely he will, LittleOwl.

I thought it would be clear to him that me taking the job meant he would be doing the childcare and therefore no football.

I took the job and I'm due to start tomorrow, he has only just disclosed his assumption that he thought my DM would be having the children.

At no point have I said that was the case. Infact before I went to the interview I said to him "we can manage this if I get it can't we, it fits in well around your work" to which he replied yes Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:47

Sorry crossed posts with the rest of the replies -

I don't have a hobby no. The only time I get to myself is when I manage to go to the shops alone. I don't have the time to commit to anything fun that takes me out of the house for several hours on a regular basis.

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 02/10/2020 21:48

Tbh, and i have been torn, i do think it is unreasonable to expect him to give up his hobby, if it is just the football. And not drinking for hours after too.

How old are the children? Can you not apply for part time jobs in the week? It would be far easier to find childcare.

TracyMosby · 02/10/2020 21:49

Ive changed my mind after reading your updates. fuck him. Now childcare is his issue.

klinghoffer · 02/10/2020 21:49

TracyMosby she already has a husband, she doesn't need to find childcare.

Stick to your guns, OP. He will just have to figure it out.

PreggoFeminist86 · 02/10/2020 21:51

He's being really selfish & extremely unreasonable. Can you imagine him taking a day off work every week so that you could go off & enjoy a hobby?

Go to work tomorrow & let him either figure out the childcare situation himself, or miss out playing Football.

PS: Well done on the new job, and good luck for your first day Star

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 02/10/2020 21:52

I’m a bit sad for you that you’re anticipating working the W/e as a break (your only break) from family life. Your DH will need to arrange the childcare if he wants to get to football. I hope the job makes you a bit happier. Good luck with it.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:52

The children are 3 years and 18 months old. My 3 year old goes to nursery two days per week from 9:00 until 4:30

My youngest will be going to nursery when she's eligible for the two year olds funding but not before, we couldn't afford it.

It's not possible for me to look for work during the week as he works nights and then needs to sleep during the day. The weekends are my only option for the foreseeable.

On the flip side, he has been playing football since his teens and it is important to him.

I will admit to resenting the hobby, primarily because it's just more time away from home that I don't get.

OP posts:
sosickofarseholes · 02/10/2020 21:53

I think it depends on how many hours how many weekends how much it brings in and what he contributes during the week

BackforGood · 02/10/2020 21:54

Does it have to be one or the other ?
How old are the dc ?
I have very happy memories of going with my Dad whilst he played football when we were young (obvs won't work if they are tiny).

Or, is he able to arrange someone to look after them whilst he plays ?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:59

I'll be working every weekend
Saturday and Sunday
4 hours per shift

It's not an incredible amount of money but it will be helpful. My main motivation for wanting the job isn't the money, more so regaining a sense of independence.

During the week when he's working I do everything in the home: cooking, cleaning, childcare etc.

He does pull his weight when he's off work: cooking, doing his bit with the children, coming with me to do the food shopping etc.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/10/2020 22:00

There is nothing at all stopping a parent of young children getting childcare on a Sunday to enable them to take part in a hobby. If the hobby is really important to them, then they will sort this out so they can still take part - if course if it not important they’ll not both to be proactive in sourcing a babysitter, nanny whatever to cover this time

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:00

Our children are 3, and 18 months

Or, is he able to arrange someone to look after them whilst he plays?

Unfortunately not. We don't have anybody we can call on to babysit other than my DM on a very rare occasion and I could never have a job that depends on her having the children as I'd be fired in the first month.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/10/2020 22:02

Babysitters.com

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:03

I like the idea of making it his problem to sort the childcare, although I know he won't be able to so it will result in him begrudgingly staying home from football and feeling hard done by.

Our eldest has SEN so we're not able to get a run of the mill babysitter. He wouldn't handle it nor would the babysitter

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/10/2020 22:03

Your job doesn’t depend on your mum babysitting

It’s your dh that needs to sort out babysitter - not you

ivykaty44 · 02/10/2020 22:04

Plenty of babysitters have experience with SEN

Tattoocrazymum · 02/10/2020 22:05

I work my hours around my partners shifts and home life.
He works Monday to friday and I used to do cleaning 2 hours an evening 5 days a week, it worked well for us but i wanted less days and more hours, so i now have a every other weekend job as partner needs the car the other weekends.
Works well for us, dont need child care and he plays football (well he did, not at the moment) on a Wednesday after work.

Is your husband able to change days for football?

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/10/2020 22:05

Having no hobby is not healthy OP. Not for you or him. I would not take away my DHs only hobby and form of exercise. I’d personally just work the Saturdays for now, and then add shifts during the week when both children can be in nursery. I’d also find a hobby to do one evening a week and hire in a babysitter paid for by him.

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