To want him to give up football so I can work?

[Pollyandted]

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

I think it is only fair that whichever partner isn't in work needs to sort childcare. That's how it works in my house. So he could still play football on Sunday if he really wants to, he'll just need to get a friend or relative or paid baby sitter to watch the kids, or take them with him, or get them in at some sort of activity or club.

It's interesting how women manage to deal with these kinds of situations all the time, and yet a lot of men will act like it's an impossible and unfair task when it's left to them. Bloody babies.

@emilyfrost, the cheek of a woman assuming that her husband, the father of her children, the older of whom is 3, would see himself as >gasp< a husband and father first and weekend footballer second.

YYY to your suggestion that she needs to sit him down and patiently explain that while his life has not changed at all since his children were born, his carefree days have been three years of borrowed time, and from now on he needs to start taking the role of parent and full time family member as seriously as he may have taken his role as midfielder (or whatever) up to now.

Good luck with your new job OP. I don't understand how your joint finances can potentially afford to pay for childcare on a Saturday but not during the week. They are his children - he needs to look after them while you work like you look after them when he works.

@Woundedadmiral

I think it’s a bit mean to purposely look for a job on says you know he’s at a hobby.

Er, she looked for a job that was available when the children's other parent was there to look after them, I would imagine. As any sane reasonable would do. As her husband has done. Don't see him paying for a nanny/childminder when he's working. Why should she?

No. She clearly knew that he wasn't available Sundays, given the venomous issues she's mentioned that she's harboured for all of this time. She clearly opted for a role that would impact on him, for her benefit, not the family. Wheras he works for the family benefit. She purposely didn't discuss the arrangement that would be necessary to facilitate what she wants. She in effect has purposely chosen a "paid hobby" to clash with his hobby time. Rather than address his hobby, the childcare needs etc. If paid childcare is needed that's half out of her "hobby money" & half out of the family money that he has consistently provided. Is this 8 hours, which I presume to be NMW worth that?

He can go to his hobby if he can get childcare. That might mean your mum or a paid babysitter. But he needs to be in charge of it. In the event of your mum (who you say is willing but unreliable?) or the babysitter falling through, it is his hobby which should be cancelled not your work.

Especially since he assured you over and over again that there would be no issue. It's not like you sprang this on him, you ran it past him before you accepted the job .

Mumsnet seems to be very misogynistic these days..

I agree Worriedauntt. It doesn't reflect my social circle. I've got friends who work full time, part time, are full time parents, are full time students. No one says anything bitchy about each other at all. We all know we're doing our best for our families. On MN you're an absolutely lazy bitch if you don't work even if you do all the childcare, all the housework, do volunteer work, and care for elderly parents and have a husband who won't step up because somehow you're supposed to be able to make another adult do what they have no intention of doing.

But you're a heartless bitch if you make the poor dear give up his hobby and you're supposed to organise the childcare and he's not supposed to compromise at all or consider how things should best be set up for the whole household.

And yet somehow we don't need feminism because we've got all the equality we need...

Things will never improve in women's lives if we don't stop slamming each other all the time for our situations and recognise that just because they've got a cosy set up that's not open to every woman and it's not necessarily her fault.

@SoloMummy

She’d discussed with him about getting a job on the weekend and he’d agreed.

Also, he’s a parent and the children come first. He could find an alternative day to play, he could change his job so that he could play in the evening and he could find childcare.

IMO, he behaves like a teenager, whose only ambition is to do what he wants and when he wants it. Even if he has some undiagnosed special need he is still ultimately selfish.

The OP, is trying to look after her own MH and is not being selfish at all.

He’d better hope that you don’t leave him as then he’d have the the kids every other weekend, and the football would be off the table. Or do the people here thinking OP is unreasonable also think that separated dads should cancel contact for a hobby?

Take the job. Let him sort the childcare out. If he chooses not to sort a sitter, then he’ll miss out on football. Not because your working, but because he made the decision to have children who he’s responsible for.

No.
She clearly knew that he wasn't available Sundays, given the venomous issues she's mentioned that she's harboured for all of this time.
She clearly opted for a role that would impact on him, for her benefit, not the family. Wheras he works for the family benefit. She purposely didn't discuss the arrangement that would be necessary to facilitate what she wants.
She in effect has purposely chosen a "paid hobby" to clash with his hobby time. Rather than address his hobby, the childcare needs etc.
If paid childcare is needed that's half out of her "hobby money" & half out of the family money that he has consistently provided. Is this 8 hours, which I presume to be NMW worth that?

I agree, the OP doesn’t even sound Like she likes her partner.
He’s working to provide for the family and has a few hours out on a Sunday.
She didn’t communicate clearly and neither did he.
She would have to pay for half the childcare for the Sunday which wouldn’t make it worth it either.

He hasn’t stopped her getting her own hobby either yet she hasn’t bothered and has now purposely picked a job over his one hobby a week.
There is no reason she can’t find a week day job and put the youngest in nursery if they will pay for childcare on a Sunday for 4 or more hours. It’s a better alternative and then they can still have weekends free and she can engage in a hobby.

Solomummy
Some projection there. Ops dh told her to go for it as it was manageable for them. I take that to mean he would make it work seeing as he raised no issues. So what if she is harbouring a grudge. He is a very inflexible man. I’m married to one and it is often infuriating that he cannot see another perspective. He’s also heavily into football and I suspect Sen. His father clearly has and dh is becoming more and more like his father as he ages.

@SplunkPostGres

He’d better hope that you don’t leave him as then he’d have the the kids every other weekend, and the football would be off the table. Or do the people here thinking OP is unreasonable also think that separated dads should cancel contact for a hobby?

Take the job. Let him sort the childcare out. If he chooses not to sort a sitter, then he’ll miss out on football. Not because your working, but because he made the decision to have children who he’s responsible for.

Most split parents try and remain on good terms so a set up could be made where he has an alternative day to a Sunday. EOW isn’t set in stone

@emilyfrost

BoomBoomsCousin OP is the one who is making their status quo change, and she’s doing so without having had a full conversation about what this change means for both of them.

Communicating by text, assumptions, short conversations are not effective and lead to these sorts of issues. They needed to have a sit down chat and talk it through properly before committing.

WTF with the acceptance of his presumption she will have asked her mother to do the childcare (unpaid, no doubt) while she works because he expects his life to sail on unchanged when his partner starts work?

He hasn't had a full discussion. She has talked to him. She has asked him if it would work. Just because it's a change to the status quo, a status quo that has never been her ideal, doesn't mean she is responsible for making sure that every I is dotted.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Solomummy Some projection there. Ops dh told her to go for it as it was manageable for them. I take that to mean he would make it work seeing as he raised no issues. So what if she is harbouring a grudge. He is a very inflexible man. I’m married to one and it is often infuriating that he cannot see another perspective. He’s also heavily into football and I suspect Sen. His father clearly has and dh is becoming more and more like his father as he ages.

No projection here and I agree With solo

My partner doesn’t have a hobby on a weekend.

She sounds like she’s harbouring more then a grudge. More like pure dislike.

Football and jobs aside, this is a marriage with a lot of resentment. You need to find a childminder for your youngest, who will also do wraparound care for your eldest, after nursery. Get a full time job Mon-Fri. After paying the childminder from the family pot (not all from your income) you might not have much left, but you will be out of the house with grown up company.
Get a hobby which takes a few hours on a Saturday (gym, dancing, whatever you enjoy). Let your husband enjoy his football. Ask your mum to babysit for the occasional date night.
Don't dig your heels in on weekend working when you could do Mon-Fri.

Men really do get to have their cake and eat it.

OP I think it's entirely reasonable for him to take responsibility and find a babysitter

It's a bad idea to be financially dependent on any man, let alone one that clearly values your wishes and needs so far below his own.

Get a job. Absolutely.

Having children means missing out on hobbies. Welcome to adulthood. You've been putting yourself second for a long time, he can have a turn.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease 100% agree!

It sounds to me like there are a few options.

First rope in your DM. What about his family?

Second he either finds a local teen, possibly some of the other players have older kids? Or even girlfriends? That can watch them for the couple of hours. Where does he play? If it’s a park someone may be willing to take them to the park of off on bikes/for a walk for a few quid.

If there’s a few with young children get a junior squad set up playing at the same time.

He could email his footie mates and ask them if they have any family members who can babysit. Then he only needs to pay for the time he is playing.

Working will be good for your wellbeing and it means you have your foot in the door/ relevant experience when the youngest goes to nursery.

My dh grumbles about my occasional weekend work, even though I look after the dc all week. Now the dc are old enough to not need looking after (but still need taxiing around) he still isn't entirely happy because he would prefer that my work is out of sight, out of mind. I love my job though and it pays half the bills and he knows that.

OP, he definitely should be in charge of childcare while you work. My SIL worked for years at the weekend from when my niece was a baby, DB looked after her and now 20 years later they are very close and have a great relationship.

Seeing as you don't need the money urgently, why don't you shelve the job til your littles are both in nursery, and get a couple of weektime shifts? Then make a deal with your husband that every Saturday, you get 4+ hours of childfree time, for yourself.

I have to say, as someone who is the main earner, I'd be beyond pissed if my spouse took a weekend job they didn't really need, meaning i had to give up a hobby I'd been doing for decades.

You don't have anything in your life that is just for you. The solution to that is not to take away the thing he has that is just for him.

@Shizzlestix

So you have the dc 24/7 to allow him to work then sleep then go to football?! Blimey, yes, get going with this job!

This. Don't buckle OP. Stand your ground.

*Seeing as you don't need the money urgently, why don't you shelve the job til your littles are both in nursery, and get a couple of weektime shifts? Then make a deal with your husband that every Saturday, you get 4+ hours of childfree time, for yourself.

I have to say, as someone who is the main earner, I'd be beyond pissed if my spouse took a weekend job they didn't really need, meaning i had to give up a hobby I'd been doing for decades*

I’d be pissed of if I had two young children, planned with another person, who then carried on with his life as he has done for decades, leaving me at home 7 days a week caring for the children he wanted.

It isn’t that easy to pick up weektime work, especially around nursery and school hours. Plus o/p will be in a much stronger position if she has been working than if she has been a SAHM. The weekend job may lead to internal promotion- far easier than getting a new job.

It’s only while he plays football. If he engages his brain there are plenty of teens looking for weekend work.

@ohalrightthen did you not read the original post?

This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

Why should the OP sacrifice her health and earning potential so her husband can kick an effing ball about and essentially check out of family life?!

OP I suspect your mental health would improve if you got rid of your useless partner. I hope your first day at work goes well.

I’m confused. Why can’t he play football another time? Plenty of time for him to play football in the evenings before his night shift.

Stick to your guns! Also, I would just leave it now for him to sort. The more you hand hold him to either sort childcare or play football another time the more he will think he truly is hard done by.

Not a chance in hell would my OH have been playing football on sundays leaving me with the kids again in your situ.