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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to give up football so I can work?

354 replies

Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:38

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 02/10/2020 23:11

I personally think it sounds terrible for your marriage and family tbh.

Your husband works nights so you don't even get to cuddle up together, and then he's asleep in the day, and only awake for dinner and kids bed so you have very little couple time.

And then you wouldn't spend any time together at the weekend, which us a factor for the kids too - your go nowhere as a family, no day tripsn it etc. It would be like two people just sharing parenting rather than much in the way of family time.

If desperately needed, fine, but it's really not ideal.

And in think you should have sat down and discussed it properly. To just assume that he would do childcare at the weekend and a bit presumptuous, in the same way that it would be if he decided to work 6 days a week and just assumed you'd have the kids for the extra.

The text your sent sounds very matter of fact but didn't really have any warmth in it. Is that because you've had a bit if a row about this or are things a bit tricky between you at the moment?

IvyRose77886 · 02/10/2020 23:12

Because we can't afford to. He's not a high earner. Nursery when not funded by the government funding is extortionate, esp where we live

But paying someone on a weekend will also cost money? specially If they need to have a high level of sen experience for your eldest.

RandomMess · 02/10/2020 23:12

Perhaps this is the time to say he either switches from working nights or gives up Footie...

It's just really sad that all these years on you are still carrying the load with zero help or compromise from him. I don't think it will ever be a partnership I'm afraid Sad

IvyRose77886 · 02/10/2020 23:14

Has he stopped you getting or finding your own hobby or taking time out on the Saturday?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 23:14

Not to make assumptions but with you mentioning your ds has sen, have you considered he may too? The description sounds a bit asd

Again yes. You are spot on.

Sorry if I'm missing posts my phone is rubbish.

I'm reading everything on here and appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 02/10/2020 23:14

buzzmingo no need to resort to swearing just because I haven't agreed with the OP!

converseandjeans · 02/10/2020 23:18

pollyandted childminders are a lot cheaper than nursery (well it was for me anyway) so maybe the youngest could go to a childminder. I'm not trying to be awkward here - just trying to find a solution.

Lilymossflower · 02/10/2020 23:20

He can arrange childcare for au days if he dousnt want to give up football.

As for you keep the job obviously and book yourself a hobby on a weekday evening. He is capable of looking after the kids while you do something you enjoy, as you have been for him for so many years now

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2020 23:21

Look you resent him (rightly) already because he wont move. Dont martyr yourself into resenting him more simply because you dont want him to resent you

He has many options that dont involve him losing his football but that would involve losing his nightshift which allows him to check out

Continue with your job you have no choice this weekend

namechange8765433 · 02/10/2020 23:21

Ah, I'm glad this hit a nail and not a nerve! Without speaking to you face to face, I wasn't sure how my comments would land.

I can hear your frustration and exhaustion and need to GET OUT of the house. But I can also feel his need for routine and structure.

I want to encourage you to keep thinking of ways to alleviate the mundanity and boredom of your week but I'm also hoping you can find a way to do that which protects your relationship with him and his own ways of coping.

In your shoes I would feel really lonely actually, with 2 little ones all day with husband asleep and then alone at night with him out at work and the kids in bed.

This is going to be a really tricky one to resolve and I really think it's something you should address with him face to face as a problem you both have. See if he can think of a way to rejig things in his own routine (he may not be able to practically or mentally) to allow you some space and to allow you two more time as a couple.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 23:21

He hasn't tried to prevent me from getting a hobby no.

Given his work pattern I do like to be able to spend the Saturdays having family time (me working Saturdays wouldn't mean sacrificing alot of that as it's only 4 hours just up the road)

I have, admittedly, sacrificed potential me-time on a Saturday in order to spend it with him and the children together.

Sundays are pretty much a write off because it takes him an hour to get to football, then the length of the match, an hour to get home - then he's knackered from working all week and playing.

OP posts:
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 02/10/2020 23:22

Work trumps hobbies, always.

He's not fifteen, he'll cope not playing footie with his mates.

Congratulations on your new job, OP. How exciting for you!

Buzzmingo · 02/10/2020 23:23

@converseandjeans

buzzmingo no need to resort to swearing just because I haven't agreed with the OP!
Your whole post comes off “I managed so you can too. Try harder.”

Unnecessary, unhelpful, and dismissive of the OPs feelings in her situation.

Attitudes like that make me sweary.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 02/10/2020 23:25

His hobby has to come second to your job.

He already monopolizes the entire week with his job which prevents you from working or doing anything for yourself.

You need to work for your MH AND for some independence from your DH financially AND to protect you in case your marriage all goes to shit, keeping a hand in the workforce.

Your DH will have to look after his own children like any other parent would under the circumstances. or sort appropriate childcare. Just like you have to do.

He can try to find another time to play some football or he'll have to wait until they're older.

converseandjeans · 02/10/2020 23:26

buzzmingo yes probably I do think there are other solutions. No need for OP to pick the exact 4 hours in the whole week when he's busy with a hobby he's done for years. Others have made the same point but not been sworn at?

Lilymossflower · 02/10/2020 23:27

Or it dousnt even have to be a hobby. it can be going a walk to just have some peace and quiet and alone time (albeit if it was summer)
Or anything low key that means you just get a break from having to mother 100% of the time

Also agree with what another poster said about how he has comfortable easy perfect setup for himself. Well it's the opposite for you and it's affecting your mental health so here needs to be a give and take. That's what partnership and family is about

HelloRose · 02/10/2020 23:28

For 3years you've been at home raising his children.
It's time he helped you out.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 23:29

I didn't pick a job that would spoil his hobby on purpose, to be honest I didn't even consider it. I was concentrating on myself for once.

There was nothing else available at the time of looking that would work around his job.

I went for something that didn't conflict with his work.

If I were to look for something that doesn't conflict with both his job and his hobby I'll be looking for the next ten years.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/10/2020 23:33

Does he ever look after both DC on his own whilst they are awake?

Babyboomtastic · 02/10/2020 23:35

I hadn't read some of your updates when I posted. I still think it's a terrible idea, but he really needs to be more flexible in possibly moving to days, or splitting work with you. He's got it all his own way and that's not fair

Even at minimum wage, you'd earn more than the cost if a childminder, so you could look at doing that in the week when your eldest is at nursery perhaps?

Hardbackwriter · 02/10/2020 23:35

Because we can't afford to. He's not a high earner. Nursery when not funded by the government funding is extortionate, esp where we live.

On this note, just to check as you mention getting two-year funding - will you working definitely not push you over the income threshold for this?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 23:36

@RandomMess

Does he ever look after both DC on his own whilst they are awake?
Occasionally in the morning after work if I want to dash out to the shops, he'll have them for 30-60 minutes before he goes to bed.

He rarely has them for hours on his own though.

I was having counselling last year which would take me out of the house for around two hours every week and he found it stressful, the poor lamb.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 02/10/2020 23:36

Just go to work and leave him to it. That’s what he does during the week.
I don’t really understand the dilemma

GottaPlanStan · 02/10/2020 23:36

Your children are young. It's a good time for your DH to learn that not everything in life revolves around him and his preferences.

As your children get older, they may well develop their own interests and hobbies which may take place at weekends. The "No you can't join that club/go to that party because your dad wants to play football" excuse is going to wear pretty thin very quickly.

TheEC · 02/10/2020 23:38

Work comes before hobbies. He’ll have to figure something out