To want him to give up football so I can work?

[Pollyandted]

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

I'm going to sleep in a moment but I've read every reply and will answer any questions tomorrow. I'm planning on having a serious conversation with him in the morning.

Thanks again all

Do not give up the job op. Support him to think of other solutions but make it clear that giving up the job is not an option. And well done for getting it!

Best of luck in your new job, from reading your posts I think you are really insightful. Remember it's his problem to solve, please do not back down, stake your claim to a work life outside of your home, do it for yourself. Your husband / partner has shown no willingness to compromise, why do you have to sacrifice all? Now knock em dead at work, you've got this gal

My DH became much closer to DC when I went back to work.
I worked weekends when they were little because of child care costs.
He then had a year at home when DD2 started school.
This was great fo all of us for a variety of reasons.
Good luck with your new job.

I don't think he necessarily needs to give up the football. I do think he is 100% in charge of the children and childcare whilst you work though. He wants to keep playing? He needs to do the sorting out. Simple.

Good luck in the new job! Do not let him guilt you into giving it up!

Good grief there's some poor reading comprehension on this thread. She's only doing four hours a day so plenty of time to have family time even at the weekend. He'd have to give up his hobby unless he found a childcare solution. He only has to do that for a four hour stretch - maybe even someone who goes and watches the game could have the children while he plays? The OP has to do that for the rest of the week.

Why is his mental health more important than hers. He organises the rest of the week to suit himself. The OP has explained she can't afford any childcare during the week so she can work. She can't work in the evenings as he insists on working nights.

It's unbelievable on MN that women get slammed for being SAHP and not being independent. Meanwhile they still have to facilitate husbands working life and hobby time. And her mental health doesn't even matter. It's so depressing.

OP stick to your guns. He will have to communicate to find a solution.

I don’t think it’s the way to a healthy relationship. One working all week, the other working at weekends. No down time for either of you, either as a family or having time to yourself. It’s healthy to have some space each week to do things for you, and just because you have kids, it doesn’t mean life just consists of working and child care. I went to the gym twice a week when my DCs were little. I would have gone insane if I didn’t have the space to have that couple of hours a week to focus on myself.

As a parent, you could consider that he's being bloody unreasonable persisting in a hobby that so often puts him out of action

I gave up weekend team sport as it just isn’t fair on the rest of the family. It seems to be accepted for men to ditch their family at the weekend to play sport while women just rush around enabling it. There are mid week leagues. He needs to look at other options.

He probably thought when you asked can we do this and he replied yes, that you had sorted childcare as you knew he had football on Sunday's.

I've heard it all now.

You do realise these are his children and she looks after them when he's at work?

Why on earth would he have the right to make that assumption.

And why shouldn't her having employment come before a job? He gets to have one. No woman should have to provide childcare and not even get to have a job trump her husband's hobby.

I'm speechless. If you're a mother to boys, it's easy to see how some of them turn out the way they do.

nd why shouldn't her having employment come before a hobby?

And in think you should have sat down and discussed it properly. To just assume that he would do childcare at the weekend and a bit presumptuous, in the same way that it would be if he decided to work 6 days a week and just assumed you'd have the kids for the extra.

No. It wasn't remotely presumptuous. She did actually ask him about it but even if she hadn't, it wasn't remotely presumptuous. She doesn't get to work at all at the moment. She has every right to work as well if she wants to.

So this is how women end up on their own with no financial stability and posters berating them for letting themselves become so vulnerable...

I think it’s a bit mean to purposely look for a job on says you know he’s at a hobby.

Er, she looked for a job that was available when the children's other parent was there to look after them, I would imagine. As any sane reasonable would do. As her husband has done. Don't see him paying for a nanny/childminder when he's working. Why should she?

We (both myself and him) strongly suspect he has aspergers.

Actually, that is not an excuse to behave like a self-absorbed teenager.

I think this is mainly a matter of a misunderstanding. They happen, sometimes they are obviously stupid once you've realised they happened, but it doesn't mean it was malicious. Especially if he is normally engaged and helpful and has a tendency to miss language cues.

To my mind what would happen ideally is you'd both look at the things you need to accomplish and want to accomplish, and try and find a way for that to happen or at least everyone to get something they want. A babysitter on Sunday would be one option, or changing the time he does football, or maybe with all those injuries he needs to think about joining an old guys league, or maybe you could put off the job for six months and revisit something during nursery time then (and find some time to yourself in the meantime), or...

I do think it is not unreasonable at all for him to want to keep up a once weekly game that he's played since he was a teenager, and keep in touch with the people he usually plays with - it's generally good for people to have activities like that and once a week is not unreasonable. But SAHMs need a chance to get out too, be it working or something else.

YANBU, working trumps hobbies, especially if he can find another time just doesn't want to. Tough, Does he pull his weight other areas when it comes to childcare and domestic things? Do you have equal access to money? If not then you are being even less unreasonable...!

He gets a lot of things his way doesn't he? I think you guys need a counselor more than a baby sitter.

You should work. You want to and it is possible. He has done his hobby for years, I don't see why he can't take a break for a bit. Why can't you do this job and review the situation after Christmas?

You'll get a nice little bump in finances pre-Christmas, see if you enjoy the role and he'll get experience with the children. If he wants to continue with football at this time and with his usual far away club, he will can work it out. There are many options for him to still play football, just not his preferred one.

Honestly who cares that he is very inflexible, maybe he is asd but it does not give him carte blanche to dictate everything so it suits him. You are allowed to have wants and needs OP. The situation will change, your children will get older, you may get the opportunity to change shifts, who knows but at this point in time you take priority.

He can huff away.

It’s not asking him to give up football forever, just this short period where childcare is too expensive. They won’t be small for long, they will get free childcare and school, by then the OP will have recent work experience on her CV and more likely to be able to work more in the week.

Please please take this job OP, sounds like you really need it for yourself.

Like a pp said, his life will be way more disrupted if you split and he had to have the children on his own. He needs to understand that this type of resentment, where your whole life is facilitating his and DC , will lead to relationship breakdown.

YABU. This all stems from a lack of communication; you weren’t clear with him that you taking this job would mean him giving up his hobby. You just assumed.

You should have had a full, frank chat about how going to work would help you, and ask if he would be able to give up football to facilitate it.

I think considering you didn’t, and just assumed he would be fine with that, then the onus is on you to sort the children.

He doesn’t need to give it up but he does need to sort out childcare. You shouldn’t be worried about this.
They are his children too.

You are taking his one hobby away from him so you can go to work for 4 hours and earn most likely a pittance.

He will resent you badly for doing so. Even if he doesn't show it or tell you.

@YeaSure

You are taking his one hobby away from him so you can go to work for 4 hours and earn most likely a pittance.

He will resent you badly for doing so. Even if he doesn't show it or tell you.

Is that worse than the OP resenting him as he consistently refuses to change anything about his work and social life so that she can develop her financial resilience and save her mental health?

@emilyfrost

YABU. This all stems from a lack of communication; you weren’t clear with him that you taking this job would mean him giving up his hobby. You just assumed.

You should have had a full, frank chat about how going to work would help you, and ask if he would be able to give up football to facilitate it.

I think considering you didn’t, and just assumed he would be fine with that, then the onus is on you to sort the children.

So the OP is responsible for ensuring that her partner understands that his kids will need childcare while she is working? Despite the fact he's an adult who has managed to father two children and insist that he won't split work during the week with his wife because he knows they'd need childcare then?

She is responsible for ensuring he doesn't make the assumption that external childcare (which they can't afford during the week while he works so that they can both be employed/sleep at the same time) will magically be provided by other female family members so he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his children during the two days a week he isn't working?

This thread is full of very low opinions of men's cognitive abilities and huge double standards.

@Poulter

Good grief there's some poor reading comprehension on this thread. She's only doing four hours a day so plenty of time to have family time even at the weekend. He'd have to give up his hobby unless he found a childcare solution. He only has to do that for a four hour stretch - maybe even someone who goes and watches the game could have the children while he plays? The OP has to do that for the rest of the week.

Why is his mental health more important than hers. He organises the rest of the week to suit himself. The OP has explained she can't afford any childcare during the week so she can work. She can't work in the evenings as he insists on working nights.

It's unbelievable on MN that women get slammed for being SAHP and not being independent. Meanwhile they still have to facilitate husbands working life and hobby time. And her mental health doesn't even matter. It's so depressing.

OP stick to your guns. He will have to communicate to find a solution.

Mumsnet seems to be very misogynistic these days..

BoomBoomsCousin OP is the one who is making their status quo change, and she’s doing so without having had a full conversation about what this change means for both of them.

Communicating by text, assumptions, short conversations are not effective and lead to these sorts of issues. They needed to have a sit down chat and talk it through properly before committing.