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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to give up football so I can work?

354 replies

Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:38

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/10/2020 22:05

You look after the children while he works/ sleeps. He looks after the children while you work.

Or he makes a childcare arrangement, because weekends have become the days when he is in charge of the kids, and being in charge entails doing your own donkey work yourself. It's sad he has got this far without realising this, but you live and learn.

He will manage. It's parenting, not rocket science.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:06

I can see him resenting me somewhat if he has to give up football so I can work, but I've been resenting his hobby for the past three years because it's just another day he gets away from home that renders me stuck indoors looking after the children.

There doesn't seem to be a compromise that means we can both do what we want to do, me have this job and him continue to play football.

OP posts:
iolaus · 02/10/2020 22:06

But it should be if she doesn't have the kids (for whatever reason) the football falls through - not your job

Any option of a paid babysitter for the length of his football? any friends or colleagues have a teenager or a suggestion (actually ask at your son's nursery - I did a LOT of babysitting at 16-18 (to the point that I gave up the supermarket job) which was mainly to the fact that my mother ran a nursery and people would ask her

ivykaty44 · 02/10/2020 22:06

although I know he won't be able to so it will result in him begrudgingly staying home from football and feeling hard done by.

Well if he doesn’t want to sort it out then that’s his silly fault, if you keep sorting out your dh problems then how is he going to learn to sort out the D.C. himself? You’re not his mum

notdaddycool · 02/10/2020 22:08

Does he work mon-Friday? I’d hate if my partner did sat/sun even after footbal you get some family time.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/10/2020 22:11

Our eldest has SEN so we're not able to get a run of the mill babysitter.

Try a few experienced ones out. I babysat as a teen and many of the children I babysat had SEN. From the adopted toddler with history of traumatic severe abuse to a sweet girl with Down’s syndrome. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Beamur · 02/10/2020 22:12

I have some sympathy OP as my DH also has a time consuming hobby. But I know how important it is for his well being, fitness and mental health.
Him working all week and you all weekend sounds like a recipe for divorce tbh.
You both need some time for yourselves and time together/as a family. What's the point otherwise?

ivykaty44 · 02/10/2020 22:15

www.childcare.co.uk/find/Babysitters?gclid=CjwKCAjwn9v7BRBqEiwAbq1Ey5tgR20rUNhNd6zC0EaTPK38m_dDxBReeVDASqNC0SBbvaeAobRGfxoCXF8QAvD_BwE
Try looking

They could get to know the children first. It would also give you a possible babysitter for an evening out.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:20

It's a lack of communication that has complicated things.

When I told him it was weekends and asked him to confirm that it was manageable for us, and he said yes, I took that to mean "no problem I'll have the children" as that's exactly what I've done for the past three years so he could work.

I do see PP's points about how its important to have a hobby, I just can't summon any sympathy for him because he's had no end of hobby time whilst I've had to sacrifice it all.

Every other week he comes in limping from hurting his knee or ankle, he has broke his hand before and last weekend he came in with dreadful injuries to his leg after doing a "slide tackle" on bone dry grass and ripping the skin off his leg then spent half the week shuffling about at a snail's pace.

I sound horrible don't i, I just resent it. I truly do. Never more so than now when the thing that has been a PITA for the past 3 years now has the potential to rob me of a job.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2020 22:21

Yanbu at all, but, to be honest, unless you really really need the money, a compromise needs to be found. Both of you having a few hours 'me time' each week is vital to both of your mental health. Him playing football once a week isn't a big ask tbh. Although you should absolutely be having the same time off.
From what you've told us, it's hard to work out why there's not more time in each week for you both to have a bit of time out. How many hours per week day is he working or sleeping? Unless it's 24, can you not both have time out in the week?

BackforGood · 02/10/2020 22:29

This could be a good time to look into finding a babysitter. None of us 'have' a babysitter until we first need one. The fact it will only be about 3 hours tops is a good way to first use a sitter Smile

I agree with everyone else - it is his choice - he either stops playing or looks into finding a solution.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:31

How many hours per week day is he working or sleeping? Unless it's 24, can you not both have time out in the week?

He works 10pm until 8am but rarely finishes before 9am. He goes to sleep at 11ish then gets up around 6.30.

By the time he's up it's too late for me to go and do anything for myself as it's then time to get the children ready for bed.

I popped to the shop last night before he left for work and remember thinking to myself how lovely it is to be able to take a leisurely stroll to the corner shop of an evening because I haven't been able to do that for years. I have become quite the hermit.

OP posts:
AmyandPhilipfan · 02/10/2020 22:32

If you’re not desperate for the money I wouldn’t take the job but I’d be sitting him down and telling him that you’re really struggling with the childcare and want a break. Can you compromise by him having time for football but when he comes home he knows he’s in charge of the kids for the rest of the day so you can go out or (if it was me!) have a nap? Then the other day of the weekend you can all still be together as a family.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:35

I've just sent him a message to read on his break.

I've pasted the link to the babysitters site and said

"Have a look on there see if you can find somebody who has experience of looking after children with special needs. I can't have a job that's reliant on my mother because as you know unreliable. If you can't have them then you'll need to find somebody to babysit. Goodnight xx"

OP posts:
lockupthepig · 02/10/2020 22:36

If the children are with you while he works, and you wanted to do something, you would need to find a babysitter or some sort of childcare, so I think it's fair the same applies to him, he should find childcare for while he's at football.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:38

We're not desperate for the money (as in we're not going hungry - were just not well off) but it would be very welcome especially with Christmas coming.

I can feel what's coming, I'll buckle to the status quo that is his stupid football taking priority and spend the next 6-12 months resenting it even more Sad

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2020 22:41

Well done op.

I would say though, that as well as this, if he's up at 6.30pm and not working till 10pm, that's 3 and a half hours every week day evening that both of you can alternatively have time out. One night he puts the dc to bed solo, one night you do, still 5 nights left to do whatever you're currently doing.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/10/2020 22:45

"It's a lack of communication that has complicated things."

It's not a lack of communication. It's his feeling of entitlement that somebody else would be responsible for looking after his children while you were at work.

It is gobsmacking that he assumed your DM would do rather than him.

Pikachubaby · 02/10/2020 22:45

Basically you have to present it like this:

You’ll be working weekends, so if he wants to play football he needs to organise childcare

But maybe better would be to find a weekday job?

IvyRose77886 · 02/10/2020 22:46

I think it’s a bit mean to purposely look for a job on says you know he’s at a hobby.
He probably thought when you asked can we do this and he replied yes, that you had sorted childcare as you knew he had football on Sunday's.

You seem to resent him working full stop as it gives him time away but he’s working.. when he goes to work it’s not leisure time.

Is there a reason you don’t have a hobby?
Couldn’t you find a hobby on the Saturday? Or Sunday evening when he’s home after football? Or get a Saturday job..

I would really resent having to give up my hobby that Iv done for years when it’s only a few hours every week. Specially if the money wasn’t needed.

Totickleamockingbird · 02/10/2020 22:48

Time for him to do what you did for him.

Longdistance · 02/10/2020 22:51

Yanbu. Work comes first in our house. If dh has a rugby arrangement and I’m at work, he either doesn’t go or finds someone to have dds. Money that’s going into the pot comes first.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/10/2020 22:52

@Pollyandted

We're not desperate for the money (as in we're not going hungry - were just not well off) but it would be very welcome especially with Christmas coming.

I can feel what's coming, I'll buckle to the status quo that is his stupid football taking priority and spend the next 6-12 months resenting it even more Sad

Don't buckle, OP. Get angry.

He's been doing this for 3 years while you've been looking after your joint children. He can take some time off his hobby for a while, or find another game that fits in with your hours, so that you can get a bit of sense of self back and improve your personal and household financial situation. You aren't asking for very much at all - less than he has been for the last 3 years.

converseandjeans · 02/10/2020 22:53

but I've been resenting his hobby for the past three years because it's just another day he gets away from home that renders me stuck indoors looking after the children.

It does sound a bit like you have chosen a job that is same hours as his footie. Surely there are other jobs?

I went back to work when mine were 4 months then 6 months second time. Pretty sure you could have done that if you wanted to. I had no choice, we couldn't afford for me not to. I don't really see why you needed to find a job over the weekend, just to make a point about the footie. Just find something during the week during the day, then put them both in nursery.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:54

I don't resent him working, I just resent the football.

After DC2 was born I suggested he look for a day job so I could find an evening job and we could both work. He didn't want to do compromise because he's happy working nights.

I also suggested at another point he find a PT job that allows me to have a PT job and we split the childcare. Cue a massive huff.

He said (and I quote) "ill go mad from sitting in here all of the time"

That means, he knows how mind numbing and repetitive it is being a SAHP and he doesn't want anything close to a taster of that.

He never compromises. It's always been his way. He works and plays football the way he wants to, because that's how he likes it.

I'm an afterthought.

OP posts:
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