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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to give up football so I can work?

354 replies

Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:38

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 03/10/2020 19:07

Veterinariai Sorry reading my post back again doesnt sound good does it? All I meant was that he may become resentful if expected to give up his hobby really. Of course he should be helping with chores and DC ,but so many guys on here appear to be complete arseholes and he sounded fairly decent! Just a bit bemused that OP seems not to be able to find another job /pastime to get her out of the home during week/weekday evenings!

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 19:21

Retail yes, a member of the public swore at me and spoke to me like shit on their shoe. I'm not %100 confident at the moment after a long break from working and my MH isn't fantastic so I'm a bit sensitive to things like that.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 19:22

Just a bit bemused that OP seems not to be able to find another job /pastime to get her out of the home during week/weekday evenings!
He works all night, comes in, sleeps and gets up at 6.30. so she could go out at 7 pm til presumably 9ish but that means he has to get the two kids to bed whilst being for and getting ready for work. And seriously what can you do for two hours a night at that time other than sit in the pub on principle.

He's out all Saturday.

She could get a Sunday job, but most places if only working Sunday would expect all day so she'd lose any family time they have. She could go out on a Sunday, and I'd Def recommend taking herself for a coffee etc so he has the kids and she gets a break but for most people that's family time so it depends how often she wants to sit alone drinking. There aren't an over abundance of hobbies on a Sunday and the cinema gets expensive.

What exactly do you think she should be doing differently if she's not allowed to encroach on his Saturday play time?

emilyfrost · 03/10/2020 19:26

@Pollyandted

Retail yes, a member of the public swore at me and spoke to me like shit on their shoe. I'm not %100 confident at the moment after a long break from working and my MH isn't fantastic so I'm a bit sensitive to things like that.
That’s what retail is. If you’re going to stick it out you’re going to have to grow a thicker skin because it will be a regular occurrence.

People are arseholes, particularly so to those in retail/hospitality.

theculture · 03/10/2020 19:28

Hello pollyandted

Sorry to hear you had a rubbish day,Thanks

Sometimes they just happen

Hang in there xx

dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 19:29

I'm really sorry you had such a bad first day at work OP. Sadly, that's often the reality of work.

Just as workers can assume that being a sahm is a piece of cake, it's easy to assume as a sahm that work is the delightful break from the demands of kids they think it is.

The best scenarios are sahm who love every mi Ute with their kids and feel in compete control of their lives and those who work in a job that involves no stress, no boredom, no unreasonable deadlines, pressures, no shitty bosses, nasty colleagues and ungrateful customers.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 03/10/2020 19:31

I'm sorry you had a tough first day. Hang in there. Remember it's really not about you; it says more about them when they behave so rudely, and none of it good. So they're not worth a second thought from you, really.

Remember: the long term goal is to get out of the house, make some money, and start to feel more like you. Bonus if it makes your DH step up with the home and children and stop acting like another catered to manchild. And if he doesn't, well you'll be in a better position to tell him to get to fuck.

vanillandhoney · 03/10/2020 19:32

He works all night, comes in, sleeps and gets up at 6.30. so she could go out at 7 pm til presumably 9ish but that means he has to get the two kids to bed whilst being for and getting ready for work.

And? I'm not being funny, but why is that not possible? It wouldn't be everyday, and on Friday's it's not like he has to get sorted for work, so she wouldn't have to rush home.

And seriously what can you do for two hours a night at that time other than sit in the pub on principle.

Plenty of things. Go to the gym. Do an exercise class. Go swimming. Go and see a friend for a drink or a chat. Go out for a walk. Go and see family. Or, she could just stay downstairs and watch TV/have a bath/read a book and just take some time out.

vanillandhoney · 03/10/2020 19:34

@Pollyandted

Retail yes, a member of the public swore at me and spoke to me like shit on their shoe. I'm not %100 confident at the moment after a long break from working and my MH isn't fantastic so I'm a bit sensitive to things like that.
Retail is often like that, unfortunately. I frequently got shouted at and sworn at. I had clothes shoved at me. It's not a nice atmosphere and it's especially rough at the moment with all the extra COVID restrictions that people have to worry about. I got out in February after ten years - it really is a shit job for very low pay.

Sorry you had a shit day, though.

june2007 · 03/10/2020 19:37

Chin up, it was a bad start, put it behind you and stay strong.

user15412486546 · 03/10/2020 19:41

That's disappointing - it must feel an even bigger let down after all the adrenaline and build up. But maybe that's why it's hitting you so hard? Because you had so much riding on it and all the anxiety beforehand? Adrenaline burnout feels shit but it does ease back up as your system resets. (Speaking as someone who also has non-fantastic MH).

I don't want to sound patronising but that was such a massive step to take when you've been struggling and away from the workplace for a while. I remember you from your other threads. I think you did well.

How were your new colleagues?

dottiedodah · 03/10/2020 19:44

Sleeping StandingUp .My DH used to cycle to and from work ,and I would have the car for myself and DC.Also he would wash up /hoover and do shopping without being asked .I am not saying his football was more important than me obv .I would go out with my NCT friends and Quiz evenings as well . Surely best everyone has a break?.He would go to footie once a week .

Onlyonewayout · 03/10/2020 20:02

I think some people underestimate that having a child with Sen means you can’t just magic up a sitter. Even one who works at their nursery. I have two dc with Sen - both have complex needs. At age 3 they only managed very few hours of nursery and couldn’t be left even with close family.

Your dh has options. They’re just options that do t suit him. I think in a lot of circumstances it is the woman who ends up scarifying most things because they need hobbies after being at work all day to look after their mental health. My dh gave up football and we were in a similar situation. He was working all day, he’d study most evenings and play football on a Sunday and come home with a raft of injuries. Hold the line because otherwise his selfishness will continue.

Sorry you’ve had a crappy first day at work. Some people are entitled arseholes and it’s best to ignore. I’ve gone back to work but only because it’s during school hours and term time only. It’s a stressful job and I still do all the childcare, household chores and carry the mental load especially relating to the kids with Sen.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 20:14

Thank you for the nice comments, I've given my head a wobble now. I'm going to stick at it of course, and I do agree I need a thicker skin.

I also agree it was the adrenaline, the build up of it all after being home for so long that meant I wasn't well equip to deal with that customer being rude to me in the moment.

Still, on the plus side my colleagues seem lovely and the work isn't difficult.

As it stands OH has agreed to put football on the shelf for a couple of months at which point we'll review things at Christmas Smile

OP posts:
Veterinari · 03/10/2020 20:48

The public are awful @Pollyandted Grin
There are occasionally a few good uns out there. Enjoy your colleagues and the work and don't let ignorant dickheads grind you down.

mathanxiety · 03/10/2020 20:58

Sorry your first day didn't go well.

Glad to hear your H has decided to support your job. Extra money is always nice for a family. I am sure he will appreciate that.

DeliciouslyFemale · 03/10/2020 20:58

Phew, I’m glad you’re not giving up, OP! Keep in mind that you’ll meet more nice people than arseholes, during work. It’s human nature to think more about the bad ones, but try to remember the nice ones and that’ll help you get through until you naturally become more ‘immune’ to the arses.

The misogyny and dick pandering on this thread is nauseating. It doesn’t matter if OP wants to work for money, company, time away from home or any other reason. If anything should happen to her husband or they split up, she’ll be left with no job, career or experience in order to get a job. She’d be bloody silly to sacrifice everything, just so her husband can run around having the fun of a single guy, while having her look after him when he goes home. He really had it made, didn’t he! Meanwhile wee wife is effectively working 24 hours a day, because the children, husband and house is all her responsibility.

Do you realise how bloody difficult it is to get a job, any job at the minute, but especially for someone who hasn’t worked for years? Don’t ever sacrifice your future for your other half’s hobby. That’s just stupid.

OP, when someone is making you feel shit, just remember you got picked for this job, over anyone else. That’s absolutely brilliant. You can do this. Just imagine where this part job can end up taking you. It’s the first step back to work and can lead onto brilliant opportunities.

mathanxiety · 03/10/2020 20:59

The misogyny and dick pandering on this thread is nauseating.

Oh yes indeed.

"Paid hobby" Angry

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 03/10/2020 21:01

@Pollyandted I'm sorry to hear that you had a rubbish first day but I'm pleased to hear that your partner is willing to give it a trial.

Lollypop701 · 03/10/2020 21:12

Op that’s retail for you! You’ll be fine. Go you!

violetbunny · 03/10/2020 21:57

Well done, OP. Keep going. I also worked in retail for years, people can be assholes sometimes. Just remember that it's nothing personal, they would likely be just as rude to whoever was serving them. It's not you, it's them.

Woundedadmiral · 03/10/2020 22:00

Just a bit bemused that OP seems not to be able to find another job /pastime to get her out of the home during week/weekday evenings!

How the other half live, eh.

Totickleamockingbird · 03/10/2020 22:07

@Pollyandted

Retail yes, a member of the public swore at me and spoke to me like shit on their shoe. I'm not %100 confident at the moment after a long break from working and my MH isn't fantastic so I'm a bit sensitive to things like that.
I spent some time working in retail. It was completely unrelated to my field of work and I did it to get some much needed dash. Within a couple of weeks, I had learnt amazing people skills and they have stayed with me and helped me through my career stages. You are about to become a smarter woman OP. Smile
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 03/10/2020 22:14

In this job market you did bloody well to get a job! Bearing in mind that the entire travel industry is jobless along with most of hospitality. Stick at it and it will become more fun and now you have nice colleagues too! You're doing the right thing!

Rosebel · 03/10/2020 22:29

You'll get used to some of the public being ass holes but you will also get some really lovely customers who make it worthwhile.
I'm glad your husband has agreed to give up football for a few weeks. Hopefully it might give him time to find a childcare solution if he wants to return to football after Christmas