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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to give up football so I can work?

354 replies

Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:38

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/10/2020 22:54

It will only be for a year until your youngest is at nursery and you can find weekday work...

Stand strong!!!

Your MH is more important than Footie. He could look for an early evening 5 aside thing or some other hobby...

Shizzlestix · 02/10/2020 22:57

So you have the dc 24/7 to allow him to work then sleep then go to football?! Blimey, yes, get going with this job!

MummytoCSJH · 02/10/2020 22:57

Taking away his only hobby is bad for his wellness and mental health... erm, what about the OPs wellness and mental health?! And the fact she has been taking care of the children with no respite for her own hobby or even a job to enable him to work and swan off to HIS hobby without a second thought. As for 'I'd just work the Saturdays for now' yeah that's how jobs work, you can just pick and choose the days/hours you want. Obviously it has nothing to do with what the job available actually requires! I'm glad you framed your text like that OP, when you are working it's his responsibility to sort childcare if he can't (or won't) have them. Just like how if you wanted to do something child free whilst he was at work you would have to sort something out. Working is NOT the same as a hobby and his hobby, no matter how long he has been doing it, is not more important. Don't let him make you feel like it is.

AnneElliott · 02/10/2020 22:57

Surely no one would give up a job for a hobby? It's his job to find childcare if he wants to do something and he's got the kids.

So many blokes see the kids as someone else's problem. My cousin's husband used to get snippy if she wouldn't ask her mum to have the kids while she worked on a Saturday so he could go cycling! Bloody cycling - you can go at any time of day! But no, had to be Saturday mornings while she was at work

BackforGood · 02/10/2020 22:57

By the time he's up it's too late for me to go and do anything for myself as it's then time to get the children ready for bed

How is that too late ? Confused
That sounds like a great time for you to then go out to whatever it is that you would like to do for a break.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 22:58

I have previously suggested he find another team / football club, not least because his current one is miles away.

He refuses to do that aswell because he doesn't like change, "doesn't know anybody from other clubs" and wants to stay with the club he's with.

He's extremely rigid in his ways and not open to change. The potential for change stresses him out. I won't harp on about why I think that is as it'll just derail the thread, but he's the most 'stuck in his ways' man I've ever known.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 02/10/2020 22:58

A mate of mine kicked out her dh who refused to get a day job. She was sick of him being asleep during the day and falling asleep in the evenings.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/10/2020 22:59

"It does sound a bit like you have chosen a job that is same hours as his footie. Surely there are other jobs?"

Right. The job market is soooo good right now. Everyone can just pick and shoose whatever they like. Hmm

BubblyBarbara · 02/10/2020 22:59

I don't have the time to commit to anything fun that takes me out of the house for several hours on a regular basis.

You did if you can commit to working weekends without money being the driving factor. You could have gone out on Saturdays to do your thing instead.

As it is you'll now be working all weekend, he'll be working all week I assume so will you ever see your DH for a full day now? Or maybe that's what might help your health.. Grin

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/10/2020 22:59

This is SO not about the football........

Stand your ground, he has had it all his own way and is going to fight against any change that means he loses out on his perfect set up.

Dig your heels in 6ft deep lovey, you're gonna have a fight on your hands.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 23:00

Yes quite

It's important for him to have his job and his hobby but balls to me having either it seems.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 02/10/2020 23:01

polly I don't understand why you have to stay home. I would have loved to, but couldn't afford to. I don't see why the only option if you stay home or he stays home. Just use a nursery/childminder. Then you're both out at work in the week and can split the weekends up/spend time as a family.

When mine were tiny DP had season ticket so was gone long hours on a Saturday and also played Sundays. He now involves DS in everything & runs DS team etc...

It's obvious you resent his footie - find yourself a hobby on a different day and go do something too. Then you'll both have something to do.

roarfeckingroarr · 02/10/2020 23:01

Do not back down on this. It truly isn't fair for you and you need to start to readdress this balance now.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 02/10/2020 23:02

Congratulations on your new job op. I hope it's the beginning of a positive new chapter in your life. I don't think yabu at all. It sounds like your oh is just feeling inconvenienced that you are asking him for the same support that you have given him for the last 3 years. In a partnership you work together. It's not about one person making all the sacrifices, there has to be balance. Yanbu to expect him to facilitate you, in the same way that you have facilitated him.

converseandjeans · 02/10/2020 23:03

boomboom OP has admitted she has issues with the footie. Pretty sure there would be for example supermarket work at the moment.

IvyRose77886 · 02/10/2020 23:03

@Pollyandted

I can see him resenting me somewhat if he has to give up football so I can work, but I've been resenting his hobby for the past three years because it's just another day he gets away from home that renders me stuck indoors looking after the children.

There doesn't seem to be a compromise that means we can both do what we want to do, me have this job and him continue to play football.

it's just another day he gets away from home that renders me stuck indoors looking after the children

Another day ... it’s just a few hours on a Sunday. It’s not another day as he’s working the other days Confused it does sound like you resent him working and having a hobby.

Why don’t you get a hobby on a sat? Or Sunday evening?
Or put the youngest in nursery during the day when your eldest goes and find a PT job on those days?

Also why can’t you go out at 6.30 when he gets up for a couple of hours if you need time out ? Let him to bath and bed ?

Has he actually ever stopped you getting a hobby of your own? Or is it the fact you just don’t have one so you resent his?

RandomMess · 02/10/2020 23:03

@Pollyandted have you previously posted about his rigid adherence to this team and something about there being travel issues and it takes up most of Sunday as it's not local?

Honestly not sure why you are still with him...

If you were single you could works and get help with childcare costs and if he wants to see the DC he will have to change his life somewhere along the life...

Bubbletrouble43 · 02/10/2020 23:04

Op I'm not understanding why if he does footy on a Sunday up until now you haven't just taken time for yourself on a Saturday so it's fair. Have you tried this, and he has blocked it? If not, then yabu for being bitter about his footy hobby tbh. But he is a plonker for thinking your Dm would be default childcare, not him.

MummytoCSJH · 02/10/2020 23:05

I don't know where people are finding all these saturday jobs which actually pay a normal amount for an adult. I'd love to find one. A teenager delivering the paper for a bit of cash in hand, maybe...

Buzzmingo · 02/10/2020 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

namechange8765433 · 02/10/2020 23:07

Sounds like football is something he relies on for his own mental health. Aspbergers is on my radar at the moment in my own family, and a couple of things you said make me wonder if he has aspects of this? Anyway, whatever the reason, I think stopping his hobby could be a case of resolving a problem for you and starting a problem for him, which wouldn't be fair or ideal.

Since you would need childcare on a Sun and since it sounds like Sat is your only day together, it sounds like maybe working Saturday isn't a good option since you two will never see each other and you wouldn't be able to have family days with the kids.

What about getting childcare for the 18mth old on the day the other one is at nursery? Using whatever funds you're thinking your husband would use on a Sunday in your current thinking.

Whatever you do to get through this time, just know that it will pass. And hopefully your relationship and both of your mental health will survive it. It sounds pretty tough at the moment. Flowers

Chickalicken · 02/10/2020 23:09

He sounds like my dh. Not to make assumptions but with you mentioning your ds has sen, have you considered he may too? The description sounds a bit asd. I'm really not meaning to cause offence, it's just I could have written this myself, except I have to work, and he takes it very personally that I have to work weekends sometimes as it interferes with his hobby. He would literally walk over hit coals to go.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 23:09

Random, hello - yes that's right. His football has been causing inconvenience for a long, long time. Me getting a new job is only the most recent source of football related conflict.

Also why can’t you go out at 6.30 when he gets up for a couple of hours if you need time out

Honestly? Because by 6.30 I'm knackered from chasing around two toddlers all day and just want to put my feet up.

Or put the youngest in nursery during the day when your eldest goes and find a PT job on those days

Because we can't afford to. He's not a high earner. Nursery when not funded by the government funding is extortionate, esp where we live.

it does sound like you resent him working and having a hobby.

I resent the hobby.

Sorry if I've missed any posts I'm on my phone.

OP posts:
namechange8765433 · 02/10/2020 23:09

PS I'm talking from the position of someone who has been through a divorce from the kids' father and am in no means unscathed on a mental health level. Getting through this by pulling together is the ideal option from a person who failed to this herself.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 23:11

Aspbergers is on my radar at the moment in my own family, and a couple of things you said make me wonder if he has aspects of this?

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head. Albeit undiagnosed. I didn't want to ramble on about that in my OP as I've seen people bashed for suggesting such a thing on here in the absence of a diagnosis.

We (both myself and him) strongly suspect he has aspergers.

OP posts:
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