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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD is always put with disruptive children...AIBU to ask her to move?

498 replies

peacockfeather11 · 02/10/2020 20:24

Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining. But this year I am furious! My DD has been put on a table with the most disruptive and she's in tears and I can truly understand. It's too much too ask of her and she's so sensitive she never wants to let the teacher down which I feel is manipulated.

Do I ask the teacher to move her or AIBU?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 02/10/2020 20:25

I’m a teacher and would move her if asked. I also have a dd who is always put with the naughtiest and would ask for her to be moved if I felt it was holding her back.

cansu · 02/10/2020 20:27

You could perhaps ask that she is moved after a while. personally I would give it half a term and then ask if she could be moved. Someone has to sit with those children. If there is someone particularly troublesome, I move them on after a few weeks so it is fair on everyone.

Charleyhorses · 02/10/2020 20:28

Ask.
I did this with my DD in year 6.
Teacher sorted it out in 5 mins. Also encouraged Dd to tell me more about any problems she had.

LittleDoritt · 02/10/2020 20:31

Absolutely ask. I've already had my daughter moved this term after she was put with the most horrible bully. She was in fear of being hit every time she went to school.

MintCassis · 02/10/2020 20:35

Not unreasonable to ask. This happened to me in school and I hated it!

I try to make sure my class is well balanced out and everyone has at least one, if not two or three people they work well with sitting next to them. I’m sure your DD’s teacher would want to know it’s upsetting her.

LolaSmiles · 02/10/2020 20:37

Absolutely ask.
It's not fair on the same students to always get lumbered with those who are disruptive.

As a teacher I'd not mind a parent calling me for a chat if a seating plan wasn't working.

Alexandernevermind · 02/10/2020 20:39

My children are both calm and end up being put with the pains in the arses / bullies because they're a calming influence, apparently. It infuriates me - why can't the pain in the arse child be made to sit alone.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 02/10/2020 20:40

Definitely ask her to be moved. Has she noticed that she is always put with the disruptive children? Isn't it more often that the girls are put next to the disruptive boys to try and balance/calm them (someone told me this once). Your daughter should not have to put up with this.

olderwhynotwiser · 02/10/2020 20:43

Retired teacher here. Definitely ask for her to be moved if she is a quiet, hardworking child placed next to a disruptive pupil. This strategy is common amongst teachers as it's convenient for them. As you can imagine, placing disruptive pupils together makes for a poor classroom environment. Placing calm pupils next to disruptive pupils is beneficial to the teacher and can be a calming influence on the disruptive pupil but it is rarely helpful to the quiet, hard working child.
Some teachers will say that they have done this because it 'brings the quiet child out' but this is rarely the case. There is nothing wrong with having a quiet disposition and a quiet, hardworking child doesn't come to school to support/benefit the disruptive child. Invariably the quiet child is very relieved to be moved away and not having their own work/development interfered with. The truth is that the disruptive child should be supported by extra staff in the classroom but schools don't have the resources, so desperate teachers invariably try this method instead. Deep down most know it isn't fair on the compliant child and wouldn't support their own child being used in this way.

Terrace58 · 02/10/2020 20:45

Good girls being used to control unruly students is infuriating. I’ve done the whole try to be nice to everyone, try to work with everyone routine, but frankly I’m over it. Disrupting her learning once in a blue moon is one thing, but I absolutely will complain when it happens repeatedly.

We finally had to have it put into her legal accommodations that being paired with problem students was aggravating her anxiety and was not allowed. I know that is an extreme case, but I know it’s happening to other girls like mine. Very bright, rule following girls with ASD seem be the holy grail of controlling problematic boys because the teachers can’t manage.

drspouse · 02/10/2020 20:46

I would ask her what she does if they are disruptive and praise her for good strategies. My DS has ADHD and struggles not to do silly things for attention. His "talk partner" in Y1 was a very mature little girl who made sure he knew that messing about was of no interest at all. She learned good skills from their partnership too.

drspouse · 02/10/2020 20:48

Some teachers will say that they have done this because it 'brings the quiet child out' but this is rarely the case.
My DS partner wasn't a quiet child - she was a socially mature and fairly assertive no nonsense child. But I don't see why a quiet child can't learn from the interaction too. I get why you wouldn't want it to be all the time.

omega3 · 02/10/2020 20:53

This happened to mine. I asked for them to be moved. Just because they're quiet, calm and hard-working, doesn't mean they should be used as mini teaching assistants.

OverTheRainbow88 · 02/10/2020 20:54

Good girls being used to control unruly students is infuriating

It’s also Works both ways, so hard working quiet boys being paired With disruptive and loud girls.

OP, I would raise it, so next time the teacher changed seating plan they will think carefully about who to pair your DD with.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 02/10/2020 20:58

I'd be prepared to put money on it that this is generally girls being 'used' to calm disruptive boys. Lets start early on the the girls and show them that their role is to be kind, do as they are told and sort out the disruptive boys. This is wrong, the teacher should be moving the class around to ensure it isn't always the same child having to do the calming. Children with SEN should have additional support.

HamAlive · 02/10/2020 21:02

This has happened to my son a few times. I get that someone has to sit with them but when it crossed into being hit and my son was in tears because he couldn't concentrate then I did have a chat with the teacher and ask if he could be moved. It shouldn't be one child having to put up with it all year.

OverTheRainbow88 · 02/10/2020 21:06

@hesaidshesaidwhat

I would say it’s pretty even. In my current exam
Classes I’ve got more hard working, quiet/shy boys than girls. It’s the loud, disruptive, chatty girls causing issues and yes I’ve sat them away from each other and next to said boys.

tttigress · 02/10/2020 21:08

As per other comments, it is infuriating that a nice kid is used to "calm down" some ourt of control naughty kids.

It never seems to be thought out that the nice kid might actually have issues they need to work on in order to fulfill their own potential.

june2007 · 02/10/2020 21:10

I think I was the disruptive child quite a bit (because of Dys generally.) I was always placed with those worse then me as I was disrupting the good ones. I never seemed to be allowed to sit with the poeple i wanted in primary. I would talk to the teacher.

Ohtherewearethen · 02/10/2020 21:12

This is so unfair. It's like the unruly ones are the only ones that matter - the needs of the quieter/well behaved children don't seem to come into it. The squeaky wheel gets the oil unfortunately. I was always placed next to the 'naughty boy' as he was known in my class and I cannot describe how much I hated it. He made my primary school years an utter misery. By year 6 and being placed next to him again my mum spoke to the teacher who then told me off for telling my mum and said that it wasn't up to me to choose who I sat next to. It was utterly awful. Definitely explain to the teacher how miserable this is making your daughter and ask why they think she should always be the one to used in this way. Her needs need to be met too, and she is not just there to make things slightly easier for the teacher.

HavelockVetinari · 02/10/2020 21:14

@drspouse

I would ask her what she does if they are disruptive and praise her for good strategies. My DS has ADHD and struggles not to do silly things for attention. His "talk partner" in Y1 was a very mature little girl who made sure he knew that messing about was of no interest at all. She learned good skills from their partnership too.
I know it probably worked well for your DS, but it's very unlikely that the girl he was paired with benefited from the arrangement. Calmer girls have for a very long time been used as buffers for disruptive boys. It's not your DS's fault that he has ADHD, but it's not fair on the girls whose education is compromised to buffer his behaviour.

I truly don't know what the right answer is, but surely sacrificing our girls for (mostly) boys' benefit is wrong.

HavelockVetinari · 02/10/2020 21:16

The other thing I meant to say is that no child should need strategies to deal with another child's poor behaviour - it is absolutely not her responsibility, and to praise her for it would suggest that she is in some way responsible for the other children's behaviour.

pilates · 02/10/2020 21:16

My rule abiding daughter always got put next to the naughty boys. The teacher commented that she had the patience of a saint to put up with naughty Fletcher.

purplewaterfall · 02/10/2020 21:17

It's not great for your daughter so have a chat with the teacher.

Genuine question for everyone though, what do you think teachers should do with disruptive pupils? Hide them in the cupboard? Someone has to sit next to them and most classrooms don't have space or enough tables to split everyone up.

If you put several disruptive children together then no other child in that class will ever get even a second of the teacher's time because they'll be focused on the disruption...

RightOnTheEdge · 02/10/2020 21:23

I had to talk to my dds teacher about this one parents evening. I felt really awkward but dd was totally fed up with it.
She was put next to a boy who was disruptive and struggled with school work.
Dd was coming home every night complaining that he would poke her with rulers and mess around all the time and she had to do all the work by herself when they were supposed to be partners.

Her teachers said they did it because she was hard working and sensible and they thought she would be able to cope with him.

I understand why teachers do this and I'm not against it as it teaches both children something but I think they should have swapped partners around more to give her a break.