DD is always put with disruptive children...AIBU to ask her to move?

[peacockfeather11]

Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining. But this year I am furious! My DD has been put on a table with the most disruptive and she's in tears and I can truly understand. It's too much too ask of her and she's so sensitive she never wants to let the teacher down which I feel is manipulated.

Do I ask the teacher to move her or AIBU?

@rawlikesushi

"I like how you are using the "we" to talk about yourself thankfully many teachers have a much healthier and professional attitude."

No I don't use the royal we. I'm referring to every teacher I know or have ever spoken to - it's a pretty universal distaste for the pointy-elbowed parents insisting that little farquar is too precious to be exposed to the naughty boy.

the simple fact that many teachers are parents themselves and don't accept for their own children to be treated that way tells us how wrong you are and frankly are making up most of your "experience".

"Those who were the well-behaved child or have one don’t agree with you."

If you were the well-behaved child 30 years ago I can't comment on what your experience was like.

If you have a well-behaved child who is temporarily placed next to a disruptive child - not bullying, not hurting - I would encourage you to help them to understand why this has happened and to teach empathy. Ask them - who should that child sit next to then?

No school tolerates bullying. Bullying and physical hurt are absolutely reason enough to move a child.

Absolute rubbish.

Ask them - who should that child sit next to then?

Someone else?

This thread is a really depressing and uncomfortable read. This judgy talk of “naughty children” is really making my heart sink. These children are in the ages of 5-9 mostly. So young. For boys in particular this can prove problematic. To all of you with your previous shy and “well behaved” girls, let’s hope they remain that way eh? When your girls are 11-12 and starting to get an interest in the “naughty” boys who at that age will have zero interest in “Who do you fancy”.
This happened to my son. For the first three years of school he was the “naughty” one. Precious mums rolling their eyes at him and tutting at him being “unruly”. He isn’t and never was. He has adhd. He is fine now and doing really well. Top table, head boy, etc. These same mums are now falling over themselves wanting to vote me in for governor. Nah! You are alright. I’ll never forgive how you made my boy feel. Now I’m going to sit back and see how you cope with your shy and precious little “good girls” 😅.
To all the teachers out there, I salute you. Do what you need to do to maintain classroom control. I trust you. You have never failed me. My child has been the “disruptive” and he has been the “disrupted”. That’s life. That’s how we teach children resilience. My son spent 3 weeks having lunch with the Head teacher, I was mortified. The following term he was chooses to look after a newly arrived in the uk group of immigrants. He got an award for the way he looked after the new kids. Swings and roundabouts. Support the school, realise that the world is bigger than little Elsie.

@Wearywithteens

SantaClaritaDiet - I agree

we love parents like you = parents that just STFU and don’t question us even if their child is really miserable. Because being miserable everyday is exactly what will make them kind and resilient and tolerant.

No, parents who radiate empathy and kindness, and are modelling that for their children.

No one has to put up with bullying or being hurt, but tolerance for all the many differences we see in the classroom is a wonderful thing.

One day, your child might be the naughty child, the anxious child, the self-harming child, the child coping with bereavement, and I think you'd want their peers to be kind, not shunning them.

Children are sent to school to learn. They shouldn't be used as support for children that need it. That is simply not what they are there for. That is the teachers job.

And I find it a bit easy for a teacher to say that it has no detrimental effect when you only see the child one short year and you don't know how much it effected them later on. Plenty of people have said on this thread that they kept being used and that it affected them badly.

@AnneLovesGilbert

No school tolerates bullying. Bullying and physical hurt are absolutely reason enough to move a child.

Absolute rubbish.

Eh?

Rubbish that no child should have to tolerate bullying?

@rawlikesushi, legend. Thank you for everything you and your colleagues do for the next generation.

One day, your child might be the naughty child, the anxious child, the self-harming child, the child coping with bereavement, and I think you'd want their peers to be kind, not shunning them.

There us a difference between being kind and having to be subjected to difficult behaviour the whole day. My eldest nephew has add, agression issues and asd and was a handful at primary. Letting him sit apart from everyone else actually helped him the most. Funny that, that a disruptive kid actually benefits from sitting alone in a quiet corner where he can't disrupt others and therefore calms down.

"Children are sent to school to learn. They shouldn't be used as support for children that need it. That is simply not what they are there for. That is the teachers job. "

What do you mean 'support for children that need it?'

What support exactly?

What support does the good kid provide to the naughty kid?

They just sit next to them.

They're there to model good behaviour and dilute the impact of having two naughty children sitting together.

They don't do any supporting.

Well, maybe they'll remind them to put a book away or put the lid on the glue or something.

*We love parents like you.

And your reward will be a tolerant, resilient, kind child who won't fall apart the first time she comes up against a tricky situation without her mum present to sort it out.*

@rawlikesushi

My mum was a parent like that. Her reward was a terrifying drive to A&E, a 20 minute wait whilst they attempted to stop the bleeding and a child with a 4 inch scar on her arm that even 30 years later is weirdly unfeeling yet somehow itchy. (To be fair it was only about 3 inches when I got it - my arm has grown quite a bit since then.)

The actual situation - I was 11 or 12, child with serious problems but liked me. I was able to calm him down. I was therefore sat with him in all lessons. I didn’t mind to start with but then got a bit fed up. I had to constantly calm him down. It was affecting my work. I complained to my mum who basically said that it wasn’t his fault he needed support and I should be nicer.

One day I had a headache. Felt rubbish. He started showing signs of agitation and I just couldn’t face dealing. I just wanted to sit really still as even moving hurt my head. He got more and more worked up and I did nothing. It was science. We had those conical beakers on our desks. He grabbed one, smashed it and waved it at my face. I truly don’t think he meant to hurt me. He just wanted my attention. But I instinctively put my arm up to protect my face and he slashed me.

School tried to blame me. “Why didn’t you do anything to stop him getting so wound up?” It was years before I realised just how let down I was by school. And my mum I guess. I don’t like thinking about that.

@rorosemary

One day, your child might be the naughty child, the anxious child, the self-harming child, the child coping with bereavement, and I think you'd want their peers to be kind, not shunning them.

There us a difference between being kind and having to be subjected to difficult behaviour the whole day. My eldest nephew has add, agression issues and asd and was a handful at primary. Letting him sit apart from everyone else actually helped him the most. Funny that, that a disruptive kid actually benefits from sitting alone in a quiet corner where he can't disrupt others and therefore calms down.

Yes, have had some children who prefer to sit at a table alone. It can work really well actually - space to lounge, no distractions.

No one has to put up with bullying or being hurt, but tolerance for all the many differences we see in the classroom is a wonderful thing.

it's funny how you are now derailing the thread and going on about some ideal celebration of difference...
whilst we are talking about children coming home depressed or in tears because of the unacceptable behaviour they are forced to accept.

All the kids are different, and being in schools around London probably bring quite a few opportunities to meet different people. What does it have to do with naughty children making others life hell? Absolutely nothing.

Being told to put up with unacceptable and naughty behaviour is not teaching resilience.

[quote Lndnmummy]@rawlikesushi, legend. Thank you for everything you and your colleagues do for the next generation. [/quote]
Thank you. Great story about your boy.

My child isn't getting on with who she's sitting with and has been coming out in tears daily every day having previously loved school. I politely asked her lovely teacher and she's been moved now and is much happier. YANBU.

"School tried to blame me. “Why didn’t you do anything to stop him getting so wound up?” It was years before I realised just how let down I was by school. And my mum I guess. I don’t like thinking about that."

You shouldn't have been next to him in every lesson, or for so long. No excuse for violence. No excuse for blaming you.

The way children get separated and mixed up with other schools when they start secondary, I am really not worried about my girls falling for THE naughty boy from their early years 😂

Funny that, that a disruptive kid actually benefits from sitting alone in a quiet corner where he can't disrupt others and therefore calms down.

but according to some "expert" on here, children MUST sit next to someone and stick with it to teach them resilience

yeah right.

"t's funny how you are now derailing the thread and going on about some ideal celebration of difference...
whilst we are talking about children coming home depressed or in tears because of the unacceptable behaviour they are forced to accept."

Depressed about being next to the naughty kid for a few weeks in primary school? Really? Like clinically depressed? They'd finish their 'naughty boy' stint before they got to the top of the list at CAMHS.

It depends what you mean by unacceptable behaviour really doesn't it. I've already said that bullying or hurting is unacceptable. What other things are unacceptable to you? Stimming? Swearing? Arguing with the teacher? Refusing to work? Defacing a book? What exactly reduced your kid to tears?

@SantaClaritaDiet

Funny that, that a disruptive kid actually benefits from sitting alone in a quiet corner where he can't disrupt others and therefore calms down.

but according to some "expert" on here, children MUST sit next to someone and stick with it to teach them resilience

yeah right.

I've already said some children really benefit from sitting alone. It's not always the best option and it's not always possible.

Been there. Just with a DS - not especially calm, but averagely bright who got very irritated when day after day paired with another child who would throw the tray off the table when they were supposed to do experiments together. When I tried to talk to the teacher, she reduced me to tears. She said my son was arrogant, know-it-all and unkind. To put it mildly.

DS started cutting his clothes with scissors. I would find his school clothing cut! Stopped sleeping in the night. He also had other problems - own trauma he was recovering from. And only when I - very slyly - talked about the history of my family, which allowed me to depict my son as not a perpetrator but maybe also someone who deserves sympathy, the teacher changed her assessment. She was only interested in dividing the children into victims (children with problems) and the other ones (who only have duty of care towards the victims and if they don't exercise it with humility and infinite patience, they re evil). If you could present your child as a victim, they would be ok.

It was a very experienced senior teacher in the school!

I remember thinking, if I had made a choice to work with children who experience various difficulties (or adults), it would be a conscious decision, a calling, a talent perhaps. DS is forced to do this 5 days out of 7 and he has no choice. If this happened to me, I would go nuts.

My son got seated next to this boy that kept swearing and messing about. He tells the teacher to fuck off. He pushed my son as they stood up so I rang school and they moved by son seats. But now hes someone elses kids problem.

"who would throw the tray off the table when they were supposed to do experiments together."

Presumably he just carried on doing that with his next partner instead did he?

@rawlikesushi

"School tried to blame me. “Why didn’t you do anything to stop him getting so wound up?” It was years before I realised just how let down I was by school. And my mum I guess. I don’t like thinking about that."

You shouldn't have been next to him in every lesson, or for so long. No excuse for violence. No excuse for blaming you.

But as you said, someone has to sit by him. By sitting him by me the other 28 kids in my class were able to focus on their work. No one else was anywhere near as good at calming him as me.

That is what has to be done - sacrifice one for the good of the whole. Even if it is taking in turns there is still a child at any point who has to deal with this.

Just don’t spout crap about it being good for the one who is being sacrificed. Admit the truth.