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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD is always put with disruptive children...AIBU to ask her to move?

498 replies

peacockfeather11 · 02/10/2020 20:24

Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining. But this year I am furious! My DD has been put on a table with the most disruptive and she's in tears and I can truly understand. It's too much too ask of her and she's so sensitive she never wants to let the teacher down which I feel is manipulated.

Do I ask the teacher to move her or AIBU?

OP posts:
ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 02/10/2020 22:45

The truth is that the disruptive child should be supported by extra staff in the classroom but schools don't have the resources, so desperate teachers invariably try this method instead. Deep down most know it isn't fair on the compliant child and wouldn't support their own child being used in this way.

This.

So many disruptive children in classes these days, many just poorly behaved, many with special needs whether diagnosed or undiagnosed, and no funding for more classroom support. It's putting teachers in an impossible situation.

LindaEllen · 02/10/2020 22:46

Definitely ask! When I was at school, teachers often sat 'naughty' children near me, in the hope that my good behaviour would encourage them.

It didn't.

It just distracted me and they regularly got me into trouble because I'd be asking them to please be quiet, or stop copying my work.

When I was in primary school I remember the two girls making up horrible rhymes about me, and the teacher wouldn't believe me because 'the rhymes were too good for children to make up'. Like, what?

TL:DR, I'd have loved to have moved, so definitely try asking on behalf of your daughter.

drspouse · 02/10/2020 22:47

The policies of swapping every half term sound helpful. Or, like my DS teacher, it was different partners or groups for different things - the very mature girl one morning a week, the middle group for phonics, a different group for maths etc.

emilybrontescorsett · 02/10/2020 22:47

Yep my dd was always put next to 'disruptive' children.
It's awful. I did complain after one unruly boy hurt her on purpose. I wish I had gone to the teacher earlier and complained.

IwishIwasyoda · 02/10/2020 22:48

Umm i've had this too. DS who wants to learn sandwiched between two other boys who talk all the time (friends). I was going to speak to teacher if situation didn't improve but it did as teacher began to understand dynamics / disruptive friendships and moved people accordingly. Think it is hard on teachers to decide on seating plans when they don't yet know the kids .... I would have a word

MsTSwift · 02/10/2020 22:49

No thanks 🙄. When they leave primary you never see the teacher again. Your child is yours for life! Damn right you go into bat if your child is being g used as unpaid support worker for someone else’s child to their own detriment.

MsTSwift · 02/10/2020 22:52

Oh and if you go in the school back down immediately shame faced because they know what they are doing is wrong. It suits them and it suits the difficult child’s parents. Compliant child hung out to dry. To be fair it’s not their fault lack of funding but still.

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 22:53

Punishing children for being too nice is awful and doesn't teach them anything. They cannot stand up for themselves or they'll get in trouble, they can't just stand up and leave as an adult would. There's 0 lesson to be learnt.

So yes, I would absolutely query it and if I am that mother so be it. My responsibility is MY child, and their well being.

TokyoSushi · 02/10/2020 22:53

We've got this at the moment. I'm going to give it until half term so she's done a fair 'turn' and then ask for her to move.

In this case it's clearly to have DD as a good influence on the unruly child but it definitely needs to be a turn and not a year.

rawlikesushi · 02/10/2020 22:54

I'm a teacher and, if you came to me asking for your child to be moved, unless they were being hurt, I'd do it but think you were an arse.

These children have to sit next to someone. IME teachers move the nice kid on every few weeks so that nobody is unduly burdened or has their learning impaired.

It is about exposing the challenging child to good behaviours, and is rarely, if ever, detrimental to the well-behaved child.

In fact, IME, the genuinely good kids are the ones who don't bat an eyelid. They understand that people are all different, that some struggle more than others, that for a few short weeks they can support someone who might find school tricky, and are happy to do it.

MsTSwift · 02/10/2020 22:55

Also I am sceptical of the “be kind” thing. How much is one supposed to sacrifice to be kind to a random?

MsTSwift · 02/10/2020 22:57

My child was used as support for an anxious child for months. Missing her own lessons and other activities to sit with the anxious child as no TA. Unacceptable.

wigglerose · 02/10/2020 22:59

I was sat next to the disruptive child at primary school because I was sensible and hard working. She was horrible to me and I just wanted to sit with my friends and felt very lonely. It was awful.

I have a friend who was a teacher who did a similar thing... put a hard working girl next to a disruptive boy. He was indignant that she had the temerity to complain to her mum who came in to ask her to be moved. Apparently the girl was just causing problems. Hmm

MsTSwift · 02/10/2020 22:59

I really don’t care what a teacher thinks of me either.

rawlikesushi · 02/10/2020 23:00

@MsTSwift

Also I am sceptical of the “be kind” thing. How much is one supposed to sacrifice to be kind to a random?
I doubt there's much actual sacrifice involved tbh.

And not a random, a classmate.

It is usually apparent which children are genuinely kind and which are not, and often the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Shopkinsdoll · 02/10/2020 23:01

At our primary school, they get a new learning partner every week, so each child sits next to someone new Each week. One particular girl was being nasty to my quiet, hard working daughter aged 7, so I emailed the teacher and he assured me she won’t be sitting next to this girl again.

rawlikesushi · 02/10/2020 23:02

@Shopkinsdoll

At our primary school, they get a new learning partner every week, so each child sits next to someone new Each week. One particular girl was being nasty to my quiet, hard working daughter aged 7, so I emailed the teacher and he assured me she won’t be sitting next to this girl again.
And why should she? Poor lamb. Let someone else sit next to the horrible child.
emilybrontescorsett · 02/10/2020 23:05

There is a difference though in a child that isn't as quick to learn or who isn't as bright (or whatever word you want to use), and a downright 'naughty' and yes I know we aren't supposed to use that word, child. My dd was being hit and no, I'm not standing for that. I'm also sceptical about all this 'be kind' stuff. As an adult I won't sit near someone who's behaviour I don't like why on earth should my child have to?
I told my children they have a right to disengage with anyone who Ugandan to them. Be polite but then walk away. My dc were always told to play with the disruptive kids too. If someone was mean to them I told them to come away from them. It's not their responsibility to be a punch bag or experiment for someone else.

Puffinhead · 02/10/2020 23:06

@omega3

This happened to mine. I asked for them to be moved. Just because they're quiet, calm and hard-working, doesn't mean they should be used as mini teaching assistants.
Yes mine too. Very unfair to be put in that position.
SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 23:08

In fact, IME, the genuinely good kids are the ones who don't bat an eyelid. They understand that people are all different, that some struggle more than others, that for a few short weeks they can support someone who might find school tricky, and are happy to do it.

don't pretend to confuse someone who is "different" and a nasty little bully who is reducing others to tears. It's insulting.

With that attitude, bullies and bad behaved children are never made accountable for their action, never learn anything and are not given a chance to change their behaviour.

VashtaNerada · 02/10/2020 23:08

In fact, IME, the genuinely good kids are the ones who don't bat an eyelid. They understand that people are all different, that some struggle more than others, that for a few short weeks they can support someone who might find school tricky, and are happy to do it.
Couldn’t agree more!

rawlikesushi · 02/10/2020 23:09

No, nobody should be hit, I agree.

But 'naughty and disruptive' can be SEN, a disorganised home life and all manner of other things.

If I've got a class of 33 and, say, 12 of them are as described, then 12 nice kids will have to sit next to them.

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 23:11

it's not the hard working, quiet, often shy child who needs to learn to "be kind" - it's the badly behaved child disrupting the class!

The children haven't got a chance in hell to stand up for themselves in class, so up to us parents to fight their corner.

Some people are a bit too quick to forget the weight on your mental health when you feel trapped - you can get up and leave even the worst job. A primary school child can't.

rawlikesushi · 02/10/2020 23:11

"With that attitude, bullies and bad behaved children are never made accountable for their action, never learn anything and are not given a chance to change their behaviour."

In my class they are held accountable for their actions, are encouraged to make better choices and supported to fulfil their potential.

They still have to sit next to someone.

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 23:13

rawlikesushi

what an interesting assumption that no quiet and nice child ever comes from a difficult background, and it's ok to punish them for being too nice Hmm

If I had the misfortune to meet a teacher (as you claim to be one), I would not be quiet until the situation is resolved for my child.