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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD is always put with disruptive children...AIBU to ask her to move?

498 replies

peacockfeather11 · 02/10/2020 20:24

Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining. But this year I am furious! My DD has been put on a table with the most disruptive and she's in tears and I can truly understand. It's too much too ask of her and she's so sensitive she never wants to let the teacher down which I feel is manipulated.

Do I ask the teacher to move her or AIBU?

OP posts:

earthyfire · 02/10/2020 21:25

Happens to my child every year and she's placed next to the same child. Every year I have to ask for her to be moved. One year the class teacher said no even though I had sent photos of the bruises on her legs where the child had been repeatedly kicking her under the table. Obviously I didn't take no for an answer. No one deserves to be hit or kicked on a daily basis. Another thing I always find odd is why a teacher decides to place smaller children behind the tallest children in the class resulting in the smaller child not being able to see a thing!

GoudaGirl · 02/10/2020 21:25

Ask for her to be moved- I was constantly put with disruptive but also pretty nasty children as I was quiet and hardworking in a very rough school. This started when I was 5 and went on until I was 15 . I was bullied relentlessly by the same boy for a decade, bloke grew up to be a heroin dealer. I had nightmares about him until I was 20. It did make me determined to study and get away and do something with my life though- in those days schools didn't care but it blighted my life. All because at the age of 5 I was put on the same table as this boy. So please act now for your little girl.

rainbowunicorn · 02/10/2020 21:26

This infuriated me all the way through primary with both my kids. It is lazy, unimaginative and downright wrong of the teacher to do this.

sergeilavrov · 02/10/2020 21:29

People asking where disruptive children should go need to focus on system or school based changes, rather than criticising parents who don't want their children negatively impacted by poorly behaved children. I remember at school, a class teacher tried to move the highest set table across the disruptive groups to quell them. All four of us crying within ten minutes. Can't believe that still goes on - not a child's responsibility to run crowd control.

Definitely ask the teacher to move!

Girlyracer · 02/10/2020 21:30

Ask. Your DD is entitled to an equal education to every other state educated child. If the other children can't/won't behave it should NOT be your DD's problem. It's the school/parent/Local Authority, not yours or hers.

Get her shifted!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 02/10/2020 21:32

My DD 7.5yo had the issue of very talkative boy across the table from her this year and I helped her write a letter to the teacher as she told me he was already in trouble for talking and had been told he would be moved to the table in front of the teacher if it continued. She didn't feel confident raising it with the teacher as it was happening so she wrote to her saying Dear teacher, I am have difficulty getting on with my work because boy keeps talking even though I ask him to stop. Please can you help me. The class got shuffled around after that weekend and she now sits with quieter children and he is at the front near the teacher.

I want her to be confident in asking for help for herself rather than me doing it all the time and at least I know if she doesn't get the help I can go in because nothing has been done.

uglyface · 02/10/2020 21:37

As a teacher I do make seating choices carefully but do try to pair assertive, no nonsense children with those who might be ‘tricky’ to sit next to, rather than shy ones who will be bulldozed. I don’t get it right every time, and I shift them around a lot to reflect this.

QualityFeet · 02/10/2020 21:43

Of course you ask. She is masking her discomfort so you have to make it clear. Some kids are calm and less bothered by disruption around them. My boy hates it (ironic in view of his siblings) and comes home upset but his teacher couldn’t see this at all. Call school and help her talk about it and the teacher should be very receptive.

user127819 · 02/10/2020 21:45

The quiet, patient, uncomplaining children do tend to be put with the disruptive ones unfortunately. It happened to me at school too and it definitely didn't benefit me or "bring me out" or teach me any skills I didn't already have.

I think others are right that somebody has to sit with the disruptive pupils, but they shouldn't be expected to sit with them the whole year, especially year after year. It's been nearly a month and she's in tears so I think it's quite reasonable to ask if she can be moved now. I'm sure a decent teacher will be more than happy to do so. I think many teachers don't realise how upsetting it is for the "quiet" child, because they don't complain at school, they just get on with it.

TW2013 · 02/10/2020 21:47

I think sometimes too it can help if you can pinpoint one child your dc finds particularly difficult to be with and ask not to be with that one child rather than a whole group of children who are disruptive.

VashtaNerada · 02/10/2020 21:49

It depends on what’s happening. If she’s being physically hurt or bullied she absolutely deserves protection, and it’s important you tell staff what’s going on. That said, I’ve had parents complain that their child is paired with a child with SEN or a child experiencing child protection issues and I’ve been pretty unimpressed tbh. I try to rotate children every half term if I can, and I would rotate any child who was unhappy. But not necessarily immediately. When you have a class with large numbers of children with additional needs you don’t always have many options. It’s worth bearing in mind that a child who is disruptive to a significant extent may have things going on that parents wouldn’t be aware of. I wouldn’t leave a child in an unsafe position or with a partner who made them desperately unhappy but I have 30 children’s needs to balance and that’s hard.

VashtaNerada · 02/10/2020 21:51

Agree with PP that it’s best to pinpoint the one child that’s a problem. Some parents complain every time that their child isn’t with their BF and that really winds me up...

coldgraybrix · 02/10/2020 21:52

This happened to my dd a couple of times. They sat her with a couple of the worst-behaved kids, possibly in the vain hope that her quiet presence would magically turn them from little shits into little angels.

She found them really disruptive and she couldn't concentrate. I went into school and put my foot down - calmly but firmly - and insisted that they move her away from them.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/10/2020 21:54

"Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining."

You've avoided advocating for your child for years because you're concerned about the teachers' opinion of you?

That's pretty sad. Please find the will to put your child first.

drspouse · 02/10/2020 21:56

@HavelockVetinari I strongly suspect that my DS' partner DID benefit as learning to ignore irritating behaviour done for attention is something my DD desperately needs to learn and has not done so.

It would also be very helpful for most children if they were to learn tolerance for children with disabilities and that not everything is fair - that other children find things a lot harder than they do.

I don't feel many schools take this at all seriously and it's an important part of children's education.

drspouse · 02/10/2020 21:58

@VashtaNerada

Agree with PP that it’s best to pinpoint the one child that’s a problem. Some parents complain every time that their child isn’t with their BF and that really winds me up...

How would you know exactly what is going on with that DC and how can you be sure that your child is telling you, or indeed knows, the full story?

Rhayader · 02/10/2020 21:58

I complained about a boy that 6 year old DD was sat next to (every day in every lesson), I asked the teacher if they would be moving the class around and she said yes. The next day the teacher moved just my DD and the day after that the boy pushed her down in the playground and she came home with a massive cut and bruise on her face :(

VashtaNerada · 02/10/2020 22:08

Sorry @drspouse not sure I understand the question?

gah2teenagers · 02/10/2020 22:11

I’m angry this is still going on 20 years after DD1 endured this year after year. I would have to go in and beg for her to be moved after she cried all night. Why should she have to suffer when she just wanted to learn.

thenightsky · 02/10/2020 22:15

@BoomBoomsCousin

"Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining."

You've avoided advocating for your child for years because you're concerned about the teachers' opinion of you?

That's pretty sad. Please find the will to put your child first.

Please put your child first. I didn't 20 years ago and have regretted it ever since.

thenightsky · 02/10/2020 22:16

@gah2teenagers

Yes. This is what I should have done.

SlightlyJaded · 02/10/2020 22:18

It's a hard one because you want your DC to learn to be kind/help/patient but if they are TOO good at it, they become a bit of a 'kid you can lean on' and it just goes on and on.

This happened with DD who was very kind and helpful to two boys with behavioural problems years ago - in year one, and then the following year she was partnered with a girl with ADHT and was a 'reading friend' to the behavioural table again and on and on it went until in the end, I had to go in and ask who was going to be supporting her/helping her improve if she was endlessly 'leading the way' for others. I got a massive apology and she was moved.

Barbie222 · 02/10/2020 22:30

I think it depends on the nature of the disruption. If she is being hurt or verbally abused, that's unacceptable and the disruptive child probably needs to sit alone. If he is noisy, calls out, fidgets and doesn't work at her level, well, there are people like that in the world, and we need to learn tolerance and acceptance. Of course there are going to be bad combinations and that's why children's seating plans change regularly, but I tend to feel more for the child with sen here as more often than not the "other child" is not as patient or tolerant as the parents think.

In addition, swaps won't be as possible now due to Covid - we have a policy of half term lot seating swaps only due to track and trace, so I'd only move if there was bullying going on.

dootball · 02/10/2020 22:35

Obviously it's not ideal that students have to do this. But what about the opposite option , all the naughty kids get sat together and then noone will every get anything done and everyone will lose out??? Surely it's in all the 'nice' kids interest to individually take a small hit to allow themselves to learn loads more?

refriedbeanstalk · 02/10/2020 22:44

@drspouse

I would ask her what she does if they are disruptive and praise her for good strategies. My DS has ADHD and struggles not to do silly things for attention. His "talk partner" in Y1 was a very mature little girl who made sure he knew that messing about was of no interest at all. She learned good skills from their partnership too.

My DD was in this situation last year and let me assure you that she got fuck all out of it.

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