DD is always put with disruptive children...AIBU to ask her to move?

[peacockfeather11]

Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining. But this year I am furious! My DD has been put on a table with the most disruptive and she's in tears and I can truly understand. It's too much too ask of her and she's so sensitive she never wants to let the teacher down which I feel is manipulated.

Do I ask the teacher to move her or AIBU?

It’s worth bearing in mind that a child who is disruptive to a significant extent may have things going on that parents wouldn’t be aware of.

This was my 80’s secondary schools’ excuse to my parents when, at the age of 13, the boy threw me to the ground and poured fizzy drink on my head. It seemed that the fact that he had had a traumatic home life was used to excuse his behaviour.

I always felt their approach was fundamentally wrong. Not only unfair to me, but unfair to the kid if you’re teaching him that he can behave like this and someone will make excuses for him. As once he’d left school he’d end up in prison, as no one ever taught him he was wrong and he never had any consequences.

At 17 he was in a young offenders institution.

rawlikesushi
Definitely, I certainly wasn’t putting up with some little madam being nasty to my daughter. She came out of school that day so upset, I managed to get it out of her, what was wrong and she told me. I got home and emailed the teacher, who was oblivious to the whole thing.

They still have to sit next to someone.

I am sure such a great teacher like you can manage with sitting 2 "disruptive"children together...instead of reducing to tears the shy one.

@SantaClaritaDiet

it's not the hard working, quiet, often shy child who needs to learn to "be kind" - it's the badly behaved child disrupting the class!

The children haven't got a chance in hell to stand up for themselves in class, so up to us parents to fight their corner.

Some people are a bit too quick to forget the weight on your mental health when you feel trapped - you can get up and leave even the worst job. A primary school child can't.

Do you wrap your kid in bubble wrap when you drop them off?

Their mental health really shouldn't suffer from a three week stint next to the naughty kid. If it does, I'd suggest that there's more at play, and a parent waiting to pounce on any perceived injustice might be part of that.

Who should sit next to them then? Anyone except your little darling?

@SantaClaritaDiet

They still have to sit next to someone.

I am sure such a great teacher like you can manage with sitting 2 "disruptive"children together...instead of reducing to tears the shy one.

If I sat twelve naughty children together the whole class would suffer far worse disruption.

Always interesting to hear the views of those who've never taught a class though.

@SantaClaritaDiet

rawlikesushi

what an interesting assumption that no quiet and nice child ever comes from a difficult background, and it's ok to punish them for being too nice

If I had the misfortune to meet a teacher (as you claim to be one), I would not be quiet until the situation is resolved for my child.

I don't really see it as a punishment. Just our classroom community pulling together to support each other, to get the best outcome for everyone. Of course I put as much effort into supporting the quiet, shy child as I do any other, it's not an 'either/or' situation really.

Gosh this thread is sad (I'm not referring to the OP). So much intolerance towards children that find school a challenge. No your child shouldn't have to spend an entire year sat next to a disruptive child, but can you imagine how horrible it must be for children made to sit by themselves because all the other children's parents have complained about them.

Also, disruptive doesn't mean the child is a bully. My dd often sits next to the disruptive children or the ones who need more guidance and support, and its never bothered her. If anything does bother her, I tell her to speak to her teacher first to see if she can sort it out herself. If the situation doesn't improve then I speak to her teacher. If she had an issue being next to a specific child then I would ask if she could move seats at the half term/end of the month.

rawlikesushi
Well, I haven't be blessed (or cursed) with shy and quiet children, but thank you for your concerns

I would still not tolerate and accept for them to be punished by forcing them to sit next to someone making them uncomfortable. Not being friend, not liking someone is one thing. Coming back in tears is absolutely not on.

I thought all the schools were strong on 0 tolerance to bullying.

Who sits next to the bully is not my problem, but if every parent was raising hell, the school might be forced to finally address the behaviour and find a solution.

@Shopkinsdoll

rawlikesushi Definitely, I certainly wasn’t putting up with some little madam being nasty to my daughter. She came out of school that day so upset, I managed to get it out of her, what was wrong and she told me. I got home and emailed the teacher, who was oblivious to the whole thing.

I think it's fair to email a teacher to say that your child has been on the receiving end of some nastiness. They need to know, and the opportunity to put it right. It's the demanding that your child be moved that makes a parent an arse, because they're not really interested in any sort of resolution, they just want to garner an advantage for their child - no time near the naughty kid.

[quote drspouse]@HavelockVetinari I strongly suspect that my DS' partner DID benefit as learning to ignore irritating behaviour done for attention is something my DD desperately needs to learn and has not done so.

It would also be very helpful for most children if they were to learn tolerance for children with disabilities and that not everything is fair - that other children find things a lot harder than they do.

I don't feel many schools take this at all seriously and it's an important part of children's education.[/quote]
Why does your dd desperately need to learn this? Are there behaviours from her dB she's not happy about and you are telling her she just needs to ignore? It reads as you are pissed off with her.

@Pangwin

Gosh this thread is sad (I'm not referring to the OP). So much intolerance towards children that find school a challenge. No your child shouldn't have to spend an entire year sat next to a disruptive child, but can you imagine how horrible it must be for children made to sit by themselves because all the other children's parents have complained about them.

Also, disruptive doesn't mean the child is a bully. My dd often sits next to the disruptive children or the ones who need more guidance and support, and its never bothered her. If anything does bother her, I tell her to speak to her teacher first to see if she can sort it out herself. If the situation doesn't improve then I speak to her teacher. If she had an issue being next to a specific child then I would ask if she could move seats at the half term/end of the month.

We love parents like you.

And your reward will be a tolerant, resilient, kind child who won't fall apart the first time she comes up against a tricky situation without her mum present to sort it out.

Always happens with mine, he’s quiet, well behaved, calm, this year new boy joined, turns out he been thrown out of another school already (they’re only 6!!!!) and after a week of tears and him being punched, flicked, hit on head with water bottle I laid out to teacher on email bullet points of all that weeks complaints! (Including fact this boy told my son he’d killed his own sister) teacher massively understanding (I was impressed!) was moved the next Monday, been a dream ever since. No more tears, runs in happy every morning. Always say something. Your child’s mental health is paramount.

"Who sits next to the bully is not my problem, but if every parent was raising hell, the school might be forced to finally address the behaviour and find a solution."

Yes teachers need to try harder to cure the learning disability or get their home-life ship shape. How hard can it be?

I suggest you direct your ire at a government that has cut special education and education funding generally to the bone - large classes, insufficient numbers of support staff, no special ed places for those that need them, should be your chief concern. Try getting parents to complain and shout from the rafters for those.

@rawlikesushi I’m sitting here agreeing with everything you’ve said btw! I have moved children before when they’ve genuinely been suffering but I’ve also felt completely happy to say no to parents who have been utterly unreasonable with it. I had one parent who objected to their high ability happy child sitting next to so many different children, including a child with very little English because “she doesn’t talk much”. I wish the parents had put as much effort into building her resilience as they did to complaining.

We love parents like you.

And your reward will be a tolerant, resilient, kind child who won't fall apart the first time she comes up against a tricky situation without her mum present to sort it out.

what a lot of bullshit. The best they would learn is to become a victim and suffer in silence. There could not be a worst message.

I like how you are using the "we" to talk about yourself thankfully many teachers have a much healthier and professional attitude.

Insisting that there no such thing as naughty behaviour and naughty children, but it must be SEN or a difficult background says a lot.

My ten year old Dd was moved next to the most diseuptive child in the class on Tuesday. She was really upset after school. This has happened throughout school because of personality and nature. I rang the officr first thing on Wednesday and Dd has been moved away to another table. Ive toletated in the past because Dd didnt complain but this was the last straw for both of us.

@Wearywithteens

No wonder British children are so unhappy. If you’re a bright and well behaved child your reward is to be stuck for your whole school day with some challenging individual who you are likely to have nothing in common with. I would leave a job if I were forced to endure that as an adult. Why can’t the well behaved children sit next to their friends?

‘Genuinely good kids’ don’t not bat an eyelid because they have some extraordinary mature sense of civic moral duty, self awareness and self sacrifice - they are just oblivious to the disruption and are less sensitive to it.

Well that'll be 4-5 hours every school day sitting next to someone they don't like I guess, by the time you take out playtime, lunchtime, PE, assembly etc.

Leaving about 20 hours each day to not sit next to them.

And for much of those 4-5 hours they're listening to the input or working independently.

And after a few weeks, they're all moved round again.

No, it still sounds like whining about nothing to me.

Wearywithteens
Thankfully some British schools have a much healthier attitude and actually care about the well being and education of their pupils!
Asking children to sit next to someone they are less friendly with is one thing, it's good to mix things up a bit.

Forcing them to become the target or the support of the most challenging elements as a punishment for being too quiet is ridiculous but thankfully not the rule everywhere. Some people do know the difference between helping someone who needs it, and not tolerating bullying or just unacceptable behaviour.

It is about exposing the challenging child to good behaviours, and is rarely, if ever, detrimental to the well-behaved child.

Those who were the well-behaved child or have one don’t agree with you.

"Insisting that there no such thing as naughty behaviour and naughty children, but it must be SEN or a difficult background says a lot."

What does it say? I'd love to know.

"I like how you are using the "we" to talk about yourself thankfully many teachers have a much healthier and professional attitude."

No I don't use the royal we. I'm referring to every teacher I know or have ever spoken to - it's a pretty universal distaste for the pointy-elbowed parents insisting that little farquar is too precious to be exposed to the naughty boy.

No, it still sounds like whining about nothing to me.

can you imagine if a teacher really addressed concerns about naughty kids that way?

"Some people do know the difference between helping someone who needs it, and not tolerating bullying or just unacceptable behaviour."

No school tolerates bullying. Bullying and physical hurt are absolutely reason enough to move a child.