Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate

[SendWine]

Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.

However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.

We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.

AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.

@pebblexox are you in America? You cannot sign your rights away to a child in UK. This only happens in adoption. Even if a court ruled for the father to have no contact due to abuse etc he is still legally responsible to pay maintenance.

@mam0918 he can seek parental rights whether he's paying child support or not. He obviously doesn't want parental rights anyway if he's refusing to be on the birth certificate

@Marmitecrackers

giving him PR by putting him onto the BC, will give him the chance to interfere with OP's decisions on stuff like schools, medical treatments, holidays abroad, etc. I wouldn't do that.

You can't say he has to give money but not be involved in decisions.

Yes, I can.

If he didn't want children, or to pay child support, his options were abstaining from sex or taking responsibility and using a condom.

Far too many men think they can fuck around, relying on the women to sort out contraception, and assume they don't have to pay for their assumptions. Tough shit, they do.

You are always entitled to the maintainence.

In theory but if he's self employed and detirmed, then it's not that difficult to negate any liability and the CMS are highly unlikely to contest any legally audited accounts. At present, there's £3.9billion in child maintenance arrears waiting to be paid. Just 10% of over 100,000 cases in arrears are in enforcement. That's the reality of it.

I have not even bought up financial contributions why the hell not?!

To be honest I would not advise pushing for him to be on certificate I don’t see this guy still being in your or baby’s life in a year or 2 and him being on the certificate can cause all sorts of future problems for you.

BUT he SHOULD be paying Cm at the very least, either talk to him (doesn’t have to be when he’s there surely you can phone or message about this?) or get onto cms.

Which has NOTHING to do with him being on the certificate actually so he’s talking shite - and as you say he’s showing his true colours!

Stop being a doormat to this man and do what is best for your baby and you.

I don’t think you can make it work with him, if he’s really not bothered I’d let him fade away. No dad is better than a truly shit or semi absent one.

This is so true. I was married to dds dad but quite honestly it was clear he checked out of wanting to be her dad within weeks of split and I now very much regret pushing as hard as I did to maintain contact, it was so much harder for her when his lack of interest was obvious to her as she got older and he eventually was absent for several years.

He also doesn’t need to be on the birth certificate for your son to know who he is! You simply tell him when he’s old enough if by that point - which seems pretty likely - he’s no longer seeing his son

With how he’s being I would advise:

Register the birth without him, appear to be going along with his wishes, don’t give son his surname

Then once birth is registered start cms claim.

He’s stupid and doesn’t know how it works and he’s a selfish dick trying to get out of paying maintenance!

You should only exclude a parent if they are abusive or negatively affect the child

Based on my experience I would argue a disinterested parent IS harmful to a child - emotionally!

A father who dips in and out of a child’s life messes with their head!

From observing and discussing with other lone parents and children of the ones who’s fathers simply disappeared are doing much better emotionally than those like my dd who’s dads were famine or feast, either Disney dadding and putting on a show or absent regularly temporarily.

Ugh self employed too? Yea you’re likely to have problems. If you do request that cms do a check with hmrc and investigate whether his lifestyle is commensurate with his claimed income. They won’t push unless you do! Get Mp involved if no joy.

As more and more people denying paternity, maybe we should tax men more, they could be anyone’s father. we certainly need much more effective enforcement of Cm laws! Won’t happen though as too many absent fathers in govt!

I'm a genealogist. I strongly believe that birth certificates should be a statement of biological fact - who a child's parents are. Leave aside feelings, and thoughts, and the whole legal stuff. 100 years down the line none of that matters. utterly ridiculous reason for potentially pulling an unwilling and potentially harmful father into a child’s life! If people wish for your reasons to record the info they can attach a note to their personal copy of the birth certificate or otherwise record the data, absolutely no need to record on the actual certificate. Your agenda is far less important than what’s best for the child WHILE they’re a child!

Plus as a genealogist you should know there is a LONG history of false paternity being recorded on birth certificates, a significant number of children are raised by or officially recorded as being the child of men who don’t know they’re not the biological father and the child doesn’t know - a birth certificate is NOT a definitive record of biological fact not by a long way!

but I decided from
Very early that I’d only have children in a very considered way with a partner I could be very sure of.

He’s not perfect but I can tell you now if things went wrong with us he would not use the children as weapons.

You can’t possibly know how he’ll be as an ex until he is one!

We can do our very best to provide a father who cares for our children and wants to be in their lives but it’s not a guarantee. There was absolutely no indication prior to split that my ex would behave the way he did towards our dd and on the relationships board and elsewhere there are many others in my and dds position

I HOPE you and your dc don’t have our experience but don’t assume you won’t based on choices made and attitudes while you’re still together

I suspect his mother is the driving force behind his visits. me too

@prh47bridge - your advice and legal info is usually spot on and I know you like to be super accurate so just reminding you it’s CMS not CSA now, not that there’s any meaningful difference!

Give your son your surname and don't put him on the birth cert.
If you give him his surname you will need permission in writing from him everytime you want to go abroad on holiday.
Smile sweetly and say ok to his request.
It'll be much better for you in the long run imo

Thank goodness you discovered what a shit bag he was before using his name !

Put in a claim through CMS. Your son is entitled to financial support from his father. It sounds like he wont be getting much of anything else from him.

If he's going to try to avoid CMS it will take years to get anywhere. Start now.

Put it away for university if you want.

Register birth without his name.

Then ask how much he will be contributing financially per month. In front of his mum. Seeing as he’s raised the topic of the CSA.

He should be contributing at least £200-£300 a month. Why would you not expect him to do that? He fathered a child. It’s wasn’t ‘your’ lifestyle choice, it was his. He chose to have sex and now he has a baby. It’s irrelevant whether he ever sees the baby. The payment should be the same in both cases.

Take the money. If you want, put it in an investment fund for your child. By adulthood it will be a very tidy sum to start them off in life. It would pay all their university fees and a car and a hefty deposit on a property. If you don’t want to use it to raise him, don’t use it to raise him - but don’t let his father squander it. One day your child will thank you.

Put him on birth certificate

She can't. They're not married. He has to be there to sign the birth registry document.

OP - you can go to the CMS without him being on the birth certificate. It will involve a DNA test if he denies he's the father but just do it now whilst he's a baby and wont' remember anything about it. His father will need to pay eventually, although will attempt to delay things with the DNA testing. The CMS are brilliant - if he hesitates or misses a deadline they will refuse to allow him to have the test and they will just assume he is the father anyway. It will feel really insulting but just do it. Your son deserves his father's financial support going forwarsds.

Don’t put him on it - it'll be a ball chain if he’s not reasonable, which is the case. You’d need him to get a passport for your CC and he could stop you from moving away/ abroad.

As already pointed out, not being on BC has sweet FA to do with him paying CM. What a thick prick,

And definitely your surname!

If you give him his surname you will need permission in writing from him everytime you want to go abroad on holiday.

You only need permission if the father has PR by being on the BC. Surname is irrelevant.

The child have his surname, and if he doesn't have PR, permission is not required.

You can register the child with any surname.

@NandosPeriometer Thank you. I didn't realise that there was a personal appearance at a lab required - it all makes sense now.

I think this sounds much better. Don't put his name on the birth certificate and just let the CSA chase him for payments. Surely he knows that being on the birth certificate and having proof of fathering a child are two different things? The CSA isn't just going to say "fair enough you are not the father". I would not sort out visitation or anything. You just want the money your child is due. Honestly some men have no pride

@blueberrypie0112

Put him on birth certificate. Your child deserves to know his family lineage and heritage.

She can't unless he shows up as they're not married.

Has he told you this by text, I’d be keeping a copy of that, just in case.

@Coyoacan

I am not familiar with the thread concerned but contact is awarded because he is the father, NOT because he is on the birth certificate

Parental rights go with the birth certificate

Parental responsibility goes with the birth certificate. The birth certificate and PR are both entirely irrelevant for contact. A parent is entitled to apply for a Child Arrangements Order regardless - Children Act 1989 Section 10(4)(a).

To be honest I think that, without knowing it, he's doing you a bit of a favour by not being on the birth certificate. Makes your life so much easier. Get the registration done, then afterwards start proceedings through CMS.

Don't put him in the birth certificate.

Ensure your son has your surname.

Put in a CMS claim

this EVERY time 🌺

Congratulations in the birth of your baby boy OP 💕

@Graphista - Thank you.

@prh47bridge puts OP in a better position though if he's not on there. The amount of women I've seen on here who've basically had their kid stolen by their ex and not returned, then found police unwilling to help because their ex has PR. I'm sure it's something that in theory doesn't happen, but in practice it's another story. There are kids who've been taken from the country and not returned but mums have found no one is willing to help. If the guy didn't have parental responsibility I imagine it would be easier to get out sorted out.

Don't put him on the certificate. You don't want to have to get permission from him for things like taking your son abroad.

Make sure your son has your surname.

Put in a CSA claim. He willingly had sex with you so he needs to contribute financially to the child that created.

@FourPlasticRings - In my experience the police won't get involved if the child is taken by a parent regardless of whether that parent is on the birth certificate or has PR. It is regarded as a civil matter so the most the police will generally do is a welfare check to make sure the child is ok.

A father who takes the child out of the country without the mother's consent is committing a criminal offence (child abduction) regardless of whether he has PR or is named on the birth certificate. If he has taken the child to a country that is party to the Hague Convention it should, in theory, be straightforward to get the child returned. In practice, some countries that are party to the Convention do not take their responsibilities seriously. And, unfortunately, a little under half of the world's countries are not party to the Convention. It is much harder to get a child returned from those countries.

You can't put him on the birth certificate as you are not married if he doesn't turn up. If he is interested he would turn up on the day, or go to Court later to get Parental Responsibility.

Today sort out your CMS by calling 0800 083 4375
They are open Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm

He doesn't have to be on the birth certificate for you to claim CMS and you should claim. If he pulls tricks not to pay then your son will need to be informed when he is a teenager that his father is a complete shit.

Because you are unmarried you can't register him as the childs father, unless he is present at the registration and agrees. The Registra wil leave the space blank for "father".

However, you can register whatever name you like for the child. So if your name is Smith, DS's name is Simon, you can name DC on his BC, as "Simon John william Jones Smith".

Where John William Jones just coincidentally happen to match the names of your ex.

That way your son has a lifetime record of his father's name. It will matter to him for his own sense of identity, though of course your choice of baby names carries no weight regarding CSA.