Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate

[SendWine]

Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.

However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.

We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.

AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.

[LadyLoungeALot]

This is a good thing. Do not put him on the BC- you do not want him having any parental rights.
The CSA can still chase him for HIS life choices (he chose to have sex with you after all) and you and your son can have a great life without that water of a father in his life.

[mam0918]

[quote combatbarbie]@Blueberrypie0112

If the father is not the abusive type, I don’t see the harm of letting him have his father’s surname. That’s my opinion but you do what is best

Have you ever tried to go through passport control with a child who does not have your surname?? First question they ask is, where is the letter from the surnamed parent allowing you to leave the country. [/quote]
I dont have the same surname as either of my DS, we have been through passport control dozens of times and never had an issue... in fact in all our holidays abroad its never once even been mentioned

my mam used it as a BS excuse not to take me abroad as a child but there is NOTHING stopping a parent with a different surname taking their child on holiday and I have never needed anyones permission

[MulticolourMophead]

@blueberrypie0112

Why can’t he have his father’s surname? If you look how Ydna haplogroup works, it get pass down like surname. his descendants probably want to trace their ydna (only passed down from father to son... same thing with mtdna mother to daughters) but only come across a block wall , Especially when more people are not putting the father on Birth certificate.

If the father is not the abusive type, I don’t see the harm of letting him have his father’s surname. That’s my opinion but you do what is best.

In this country the default is that a child has the mother's surname.

This is even the case when she's married and chosen to use the same surname as her husband. It's still her (current) surname she's passing on.

The idea of giving a child their father's name if unmarried is actually relatively recent.

And right now, the child's mother is way more important than some future bloke. My DC don't have my surname but their father's (more fool me). So far it's not been an issue, but then we haven't yet tried to go abroad without ex, and knowing him, he won't give permission, just to be an arsehole to me. Having the father on the BC can lead to all sorts of crap, if the bloke is an arsewipe.

[BlueThistles]

why why why would you agree to having a different name to your children.. jeeepers 🤔

[combatbarbie]

@mam0918 you have been lucky then! My eldest, then just a 5yr old was taken from our car in Amsterdam to tell the customs guys that we were mummy and (step) daddy, what her name was, where she lived and where she was going. That was despite me carrying her BC, my BC and my marriage certificate as my passport was in my married name and we were waiting on her deed poll/Court documents to change her name from my maiden name.


Prior to that I was carrying my 6 month old, the month before we got married and as her passport BC was in dad's surname and my passport was in my maiden name I was stopped. I had to call DH (thankfully hadn't left airport) to come and verify the situation before they would let me through.

[Littleyellowbowl]

@Veterinari

Don't put him in the birth certificate.

Ensure your son has your surname.

Put in a CMS claim

This with bells on

[SlowDown76mph]

It might not feel like it at the moment, but he's given you a gift.

I'd be inclined to try to 'paper trail' his decision. For example, text or email something like you've 'thought carefully about his decision not to be on the birth certificate as he doesn't wish to be liable for child maintenance, and agree it's for the best'. Bide your time.

Give your child the names you choose. Decline further visits. As he has chosen not to bond with the child, or to develop a shared parenting model, then that's the way it is. If he wants to change his mind, then he will have to put the effort in and come to a formal arrangement. Don't let him dick you and your child around.

Claim child maintenance. Your child is entitled to this material input. If you can afford to support your child on your own, then invest this money for his future.

[MrsKiplingwasmymother]

Registrar speaking - if not married to the mother, the father has to be present at the registration to be added to the birth certificate. Unknown is never put on a certificate, the box for the father's name is left blank with a line through it.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

What shame for your child
But he has stated his intentions loud and clearly
Better now than dumping him when he is older
Personally I’d cut ties now
Delete and block
As painful as it is , you can’t force love

Disgraceful attitude

[SendWine]

Thanks everyone for all your responses, they have all been really insightful and have helped me come to terms with it a bit better.

Now I have calmed down a bit I have decided:

1. I am better off without him on the BC so I will not be encouraging him to change his mind! (He was always going to have my surname)
   
2. I will be claiming child maintenance
   
3. I will not be cutting off contact but I will also not be going out of my way for him. I won’t be keeping weekends free in case he decides to come, he will need to arrange with me in advance when it is convenient with me.
   
4. no matter how little he decides to be involved, his mum and daughter, and the rest of his family still want to see his son, so I will still ensure they are still able to see him
   
   I’m still really angry but have come to the conclusion that this is the best way forward. And even though I have taken your comments on board and won’t cut off contact, I am still of the opinion that it is his choice and he is making the conscious decision not to be in his sons life!!

[lyralalala]

Good luck OP

If it gives you a bit of hope - my girls have a wonderful relationship with their maternal grandparents despite their father being a dick. Their Gran spoke to me when the girls were toddlers and told me how much she wanted to be in their lives. They’ve done days out and holidays without her son for years now. She’s also been the one who included the girls in weddings and family occasions. Hopefully your lo has a similarly good Gran

[TitsOutForHarambe]

Good for you OP.

I didn't have much to do with my dad because he pissed off to another country when he realised that being a father meant responsibility.

His father and step mother were always still a part of my life. I called them granny and grandad and it stayed that way until they died. I think they probably showed him pictures of and told him what I was up to but they never mentioned it to me. We had other, nicer, things to talk about when we met up.

So it can be done. Your ex Is the one who is missing out. Sounds like this child will have plenty of love with it without him.

[TheWordWomanIsTaken]

[quote FjordFiestas]@lyralalala I didn't say it was a criminal offence for him not to be on there. I said it was a criminal offence to say she didn't know who the father is - which is true. If he refuses to go and be put on the birth certificate OP will have to tell them he's refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice, just like I said she should.[/quote]
It doesn't matter if she knows who the father is or not - if he doesn't attend the appointment, his name can't be put on the certificate.