Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate

[SendWine]

Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.

However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.

We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.

AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.

[tenlittlecygnets]

Don't put him on the birth certificate.
Give your son your surname.
Put in a CMS claim.

They're all separate issues! If he doesn't want to be on the BC then don't put him on; this will give him PR which could be a right pain further down the line.

Whether or not he chooses to see his son., he should pay for him.

If he wants to see his son, you can't stop him, unless you think he will be abusive. Facilitate access but don't bend over backwards to please him, since you will be bringing your ds up by yourself.
What a prince among men he is.

[noctu]

Put him on the birth certificate. He is the baby's biological father, whether either of you like the situation or not. Your child has a right to know who their father is. I speak as someone with a line through each part of the 'father' section on my birth certificate. Be upfront and honest with your child as much as possible about their father, and this includes their birth certificate. Your child will thank you for it.

[SunbathingDragon]

@noctu

Put him on the birth certificate. He is the baby's biological father, whether either of you like the situation or not. Your child has a right to know who their father is. I speak as someone with a line through each part of the 'father' section on my birth certificate. Be upfront and honest with your child as much as possible about their father, and this includes their birth certificate. Your child will thank you for it.

If he refuses, because they are not married, the law will not allow her to put him on the birth certificate. Knowing who your father is has nothing to do with a name on a bit of paper.

[noctu]

Fair enough - if he refuses, so be it. I wasn't aware of the law surrounding it, and feel better for knowing!

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

noctu OP can’t put him on the BC 🤷‍♀️

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Sorry - x-post!

[averythinline]

get the cms claim anyway... If you can manage yourself great stick it in a savings account for DC - or just stick it a sperate account where you can use it for emergenccies/expensive outlay/ university fees
or a broken boiler if needed...

it is nothing todo with him seeing DS - children are not pay per view ..
but it is about responsibility to contribute to DS life...

You are completely right asking for a regular contact schedule - but you cant determine what he does in his time with him..so if he always takes him to his mums thats up to him...

If he cant agree to regular or agreed notice ( a friend has an irregular pattern due to shift work but they share the shift roster and work out the times together ) contact then I would probably block contact - he can then start the mediation process if bothered..
just be aware that you will be expected to allow contact unless the child would be at risk .. the fact that hes an arse and has decided he no longer wants to be a dad is sad but no reason not to allow contact

[FortniteBoysMum]

Right first things first you register the baby without him on it. This means he does not have parental right. He cannot later dictate what school you send child too etc. This does NOT stop you contacting the cms. He does not need to be on a birth certificate for them to make him pay for HIS LIFE CHOICE NOT TO WRAP IT. You contact the cms and give them details. If he refuses to pay they will make him take a dna test to prove his the father (does not give him parental rights) and if he still fails to support the child they will take it directly through an attachment of earnings. He cannot avoid supporting a child by staying off the birth certificate child maintenance is seperate to parental responsibility given by being registered as a birth parent.

[IamMaz]

If you're not married to him, the only way his name can be on the birth certificate is if he registers the birth with you.
He can still be liable to pay child maintenance even if he's not on the birth certificate.
Don't confuse contact with maintenance - both entirely separate issues.

[blueberrypie0112]

Why can’t he have his father’s surname? If you look how Ydna haplogroup works, it get pass down like surname. his descendants probably want to trace their ydna (only passed down from father to son... same thing with mtdna mother to daughters) but only come across a block wall , Especially when more people are not putting the father on Birth certificate.

If the father is not the abusive type, I don’t see the harm of letting him have his father’s surname. That’s my opinion but you do what is best.

[dementedpixie]

Of course she shouldn't give the baby the fathers surname! She will want the baby to have the same surname as herself.

[lyralalala]

@blueberrypie0112

Why can’t he have his father’s surname? If you look how Ydna haplogroup works, it get pass down like surname. his descendants probably want to trace their ydna (only passed down from father to son... same thing with mtdna mother to daughters) but only come across a block wall , Especially when more people are not putting the father on Birth certificate.

If the father is not the abusive type, I don’t see the harm of letting him have his father’s surname. That’s my opinion but you do what is best.

Because the OP doesn't want him to have his father's surname.

There are are not more people not putting the father on the birth certificate at all. There are more unmarried fathers on birth certificates now than ever before because the stigma of being unmarried is nothing like it was before.

A random surname on a birth certificate isn't going to assist in an ancestry search. Knowing the father's name, and his parents names, which the OP will be able to give her son, will assist in any future search.

The fact he might be into searching his ancestry is no reason to give the child a specific surname.

[combatbarbie]

@Blueberrypie0112

If the father is not the abusive type, I don’t see the harm of letting him have his father’s surname. That’s my opinion but you do what is best

Have you ever tried to go through passport control with a child who does not have your surname?? First question they ask is, where is the letter from the surnamed parent allowing you to leave the country.

[Wallywobbles]

Don't put him in the certificate then he has no say and doesn't need chasing for every signature and there will be many hundreds. Particularly for school.

[WaltzingBetty]

@blueberrypie0112

Why can’t he have his father’s surname? If you look how Ydna haplogroup works, it get pass down like surname. his descendants probably want to trace their ydna (only passed down from father to son... same thing with mtdna mother to daughters) but only come across a block wall , Especially when more people are not putting the father on Birth certificate.

If the father is not the abusive type, I don’t see the harm of letting him have his father’s surname. That’s my opinion but you do what is best.

Why should the OP prioritise some theoretical descendant's ancestry search convenience over her own wanting to share the same family name as her child, and ensuring administrative ease when travelling, for medical appts etc?

Is your misogyny so strong that even feckless absent fathers and as yet unborn male descendants trump the wishes of the child's mother?

[blueberrypie0112]

Not everything is about Patriarchy. I worked with a lot of my family with their tree, including adopted children. Like I wrote, she does what she feel is best I am giving her another opinion she can consider.

[lyralalala]

@blueberrypie0112

Not everything is about Patriarchy. I worked with a lot of my family with their tree, including adopted children. Like I wrote, she does what she feel is best I am giving her another opinion she can consider.

Having the name isn't essential for searching their family tree. Knowing the name just does that.

If it was essential to have the name then millions of people wouldn't search their mothers tree, yet they do...

[blueberrypie0112]

Because my mtdna is in the j haplogroup, I have been trying to trace it , but because patriarchy was so strong, it was very difficult. People often wrote “mrs. Robert his surname “ and I get frustrated because i know she married Robert his surname but what is HER maiden and her parents name.

The furtherest i was able to trace is Baden Baden Germany

[blueberrypie0112]

Mtdna J is my maternal lineages, I have been trying to trace all the females before me.

[Coyoacan]

@Blueberrypie0112

You'd hate my family. We are three generations now with the mother surname. But, guess what, we all know who are fathers are.

[blueberrypie0112]

Nah, I have plenty of ancestors took after their mother’s surname.

I kinda hope hyphenated surname would take off

[SandyY2K]

@HyacynthBucket

[fjordfiestas]
Do employers actually want to see a birth certificate now? I would have thought that died with the ark, and certainly will not be a requirement in the digital future.

Yes they do.

There are many people who don't have a passport or driving licence as ID....but everyone has a birth certificate.

I think at the centre of this issue...not this specifically, is the choice to create a life, with someone who you're not in a relationship with and expect them to be a full part of the child's life.

A lot of blame is directed towards men, but women are equally responsible.

[jackstini]

The claiming isn't for you, it's for your ds - don't deprive him of it!

Leave him off the BC for now

Put in a claim with CSA

[DueNumberTwo]

A lot of blame is directed towards men, but women are equally responsible.

Yes, women and men are equally responsible but it's nearly always the women who raises the child often without any practical or financial support from the other 'equally responsible' parent.

The poor mens though. Of course they should be able to go around having sex with people and not face up to the consequences at all.

[Shiverywinterbottom]

It’s a win win situation for you op. You can give the child your surname, he won’t be named on the BC and therefore he won’t have parental responsibility which means you won’t have to involve him in any decisions about your child, won’t need his permission to travel.... and despite not being on the BC, he will still have to pay maintenance.

Win win!