Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate

[SendWine]

Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.

However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.

We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.

AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.

[emilyfrost]

It’s entirely his choice whether he wants to be on it or not, but you shouldn’t be denying access on the basis of him not being on it.

Denying a child the right to see their parent is an awful thing to do and there’s really no need for it unless there’s abuse/violence etc.

[beautifulmonument]

There are benefits to him not being on the birth certificate.
Without him on there you will be able to make all the decisions about your child's life without needing approval/agreement.

[AsCoolAsKimDeal]

It's about a child who deserves to know where they came from, who deserves to not be embarrassed every time they provide their birth certificate to an employer who sees "UNKNOWN" under the "father" box. It doesn't say unknown, the box is left blank. And that has been the case for at least 50 years judging by my birth certificate, which no employer has ever asked me to produce and which I wouldn't be the slightest bit embarrassed by anyway.

[Pebblexox]

The only thing I will say, is if he's not on the birth certificate and you go for maintenance they will more than likely request a dna test, once that's done you can be made to put him on the birth certificate unless he signs away all his parental rights and I believe if he does that you aren't entitled to anything off him.

[Lantern156]

Don’t put him on the birth certificate, but do pursue a claim for child maintenance.

[billybagpuss]

Claim from him and anything he actually pays, which being self employed may be very little, put in a savings account for DS.

[Nottherealslimshady]

Dont put him on it but get csa. Not being on the birth certificate doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay for his child. If he argues he's not the dad, you have plenty of evidence that he did think he was the dad and csa will order a dna test if it comes to it. He has to pay for HIS life choices.

[Dutypaid]

Why do people think that if the dad is not on the birth cert then the kid won't know who his father is???? The OP has not mentioned anything about not telling the child who the dad is if he's not on the birth cert.

OP protect yourself and your child. Do not put the dad on the birth cert. You are giving him power and control that he can use to make your life hell as and when he wants.

[NandosPeriometer]

@Pebblexox

The only thing I will say, is if he's not on the birth certificate and you go for maintenance they will more than likely request a dna test, once that's done you can be made to put him on the birth certificate unless he signs away all his parental rights and I believe if he does that you aren't entitled to anything off him.

No it doesn't work like that.

CMS will assume that she's telling the truth. Her ex can pay £150 for a DNA test to prove that he's not the father (which is refunded if he's not the father)
The ex being on the birth certificate is a different process. He can apply whether or not he pays CM

[LIZS]

He will need to be present to be registerd as the dc father, so unfortunately he can opt out.

[BadDucks]

Put him on the birth certificate and get CSA involved. What a shit of a human being he is!

[dementedpixie]

She can't put him on if he isn't there with her

[Windinmyhair]

Don't put him on.
Don't make an effort to keep contact.
Do make him pay. He said he would support you and has gone back on his word. Don't let him get away with this.

[emptyshelvesagain]

@BadDucks

What's your reasoning for telling OP to put him on the BC?

[Dreading2020sSeasonFinale]

@blueberrypie0112

Put him on birth certificate. Your child deserves to know his family lineage and heritage.

I agree with this. It's a legal document for a record of biological parentage. I can never understand people refusing to put the dad's name on or the dad refusing it or putting a replacement dad on.

The real bio dad is still legally required to pay for the child no matter what.

[MulticolourMophead]

@Marmitecrackers

Put him on the birth certificate. Your son deserves to know who his had is.

If he's right though and you were willing to have a baby without being in a relationship then I don't think he should be made to pay anything.

Poor little baby.

OP can't put him on the BC unless he attends the appointment. He's already said he won't be on the certificate.

The child will know who his father is without needing to be on the certificate.

And any man who fathers a child should be made to pay. His chance to avoid having to pay was before sex; he could have abstained, or worn a condom if he didn't want to pay for a child he created.

This man is already showing his true colours. Giving him PR by putting him onto the BC, will give him the chance to interfere with OP's decisions on stuff like schools, medical treatments, holidays abroad, etc. I wouldn't do that.

[emptyshelvesagain]

I agree with this. It's a legal document for a record of biological parentage

It's a legal document that gives parental rights, fuck the record of parentage. The child needs protected here.

[Dreading2020sSeasonFinale]

The BC give automatic legal rights. Even if he's not on the BC he still has those same parental rights but he has to go get them first instead of them being automatic.

Still, nothing the mum can do if he won't go to the signing or doesn't have a claim of paternity document he has signed in his stead.

[Marmitecrackers]

giving him PR by putting him onto the BC, will give him the chance to interfere with OP's decisions on stuff like schools, medical treatments, holidays abroad, etc. I wouldn't do that.

You can't say he has to give money but not be involved in decisions.

[DueNumberTwo]

You can't say he has to give money but not be involved in decisions

Actually, yes you can. If he doesn't want to be on the birth certificate then he is saying he doesn't want parental responsibilities, this doesn't absolve him from supporting the child he created. If he later decides he wants parental responsibility then he's welcome to go to court to obtain them.

[emptyshelvesagain]

You can't say he has to give money but not be involved in decisions.

Yes, you really can.

[Thecobwebsarewinning]

Don’t stop him seeing your son because he is an arsehole. My parents had an acrimonious split when I was under a year old. I never saw my birth father again. My mum remarried shortly afterwards and her second husband was a loving step dad and eventually became my loving adoptive dad. He was absolutely the best dad I could ever have had. However not knowing my birth father or any of his other children has has left a massive gap in my life.

I’m 60 now and still wonder about him and them, I wonder if I look like him or have any of his traits. I wonder if my paternal godparents miss me. He is half my DNA and I know nothing of him and it hurts. I have had many years of therapy because I am very wary of getting close to people and I am quick to walk out on imperfect relationships. I think it’s because I effectively lost my dad very young and am protecting myself against feeling that again. Although I am close to my now elderly mum and take care of her I also feel massive resentment to her because the divorce and remarriage was her choice and in doing that she deprived me of my father.

He doesn’t sound like he deserves to be part of your sons life but your son deserves a chance to know his dad.

[prh47bridge]

@Marmitecrackers

Put him on the birth certificate. Your son deserves to know who his had is.

If he's right though and you were willing to have a baby without being in a relationship then I don't think he should be made to pay anything.

Poor little baby.

The OP cannot put the father on the birth certificate. As they are not married, his name can only go on the birth certificate if he is present when the birth is registered.

[ramblingsonthego]

@FjordFiestas

This rarely seems to be mentioned but it's not actually up to you or him to decide not to put him on. Either he's put on, you lie and say you don't know who the father is (which is a criminal offence to lie on official documentation, but many women still do) or you tell them he is refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice. He's the father and should be on the birth certificate. It's not about you or him or how you feel about him or how he feels about you or how either of you feel about parenting. It's about a child who deserves to know where they came from, who deserves to not be embarrassed every time they provide their birth certificate to an employer who sees "UNKNOWN" under the "father" box.

Unknown is not written on a birth certificate. The fathers details are just left blank.

And the father has to be present at the registering of the birth if they are not married.

[prh47bridge]

@Pebblexox

The only thing I will say, is if he's not on the birth certificate and you go for maintenance they will more than likely request a dna test, once that's done you can be made to put him on the birth certificate unless he signs away all his parental rights and I believe if he does that you aren't entitled to anything off him.

A DNA test will only be needed if he denies he is the father.

A DNA test does not automatically result in him being added to the birth certificate. He can apply to have the birth certificate altered. He doesn't sign away his parental rights if he doesn't go on the birth certificate. He just doesn't get parental responsibility.

Your belief that the OP would not be entitled to anything if he does not get PR is wrong. He is the father. He is therefore liable to pay maintenance regardless of contact or PR.