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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate

213 replies

SendWine · 30/09/2020 22:44

Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.

However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.

We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.

AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/10/2020 00:05

Who cares about a genealogist in 100 years

Heir hunters.

Your child or other relatives could miss out on an inheritance, because there's no record of the paternal family line.

Of course this doesn't affect you as the mother today.

This guy doesn't really want an active role in the baby's life. He's made that clear with the lack of effort he puts in.

Don't cut off your son's paternal link because he doesn't want to be on the BC. He's got a half sister and a grandma who are interested in him.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2020 00:08

@YoureRight

The ejaculator doesn’t need PR, but he will be required to pay for his choice to impregnate you, I am burdened with garbage for ‘parents’ and it sickened me seeing their names on my legal documents on my wedding day, the male that people choose to impregnate them is the biggest choice they’ll ever make and will impact their lives every day.
You are very very right.

My father was a useless one (at least he just fucked off though rather than ruined my life) but I decided from
Very early that I’d only have children in a very considered way with a partner I could be very sure of.

He’s not perfect but I can tell you now if things went wrong with us he would not use the children as weapons.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2020 00:08

Dont not claim, its not your money but your childs. It is for his upbringing, his food, his housing, his clothing.

And it will be a life lesson for the father that you dont just get to walk away, if I had won the fucking lottery I would still take every single penny the CSA got for DD, because that bastard and his wife resented it so much.

Tough on him. No name on the BC, because it is easier for you but deffo go to CMS and let him go to hell.

cdtaylornats · 01/10/2020 00:10

If you are a single mother you cannot register the father unless he completes a statutory declaration of parentage or has a court order or you register it together.

www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

AltoCation · 01/10/2020 00:16

FiordFiesta you are talking complete bollocks.

There is no need for a woman to lie.

Read the Government information about non married parents;
www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

And OP (and FiordFiesta) please also read this - if you put the father on the bc he has parental responsibility and for the next 16 years you will need his permission to take your child abroad. He can also veto your choice if school...
www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

ViciousJackdaw · 01/10/2020 00:17

we can talk about raising our child

Set yourself free and accept that none of this is going to happen. It seems clear to me that he sees you both as an inconvenience and I suspect his mother is the driving force behind his visits. To be fair, it is a big risk, having a DC with a ONS or FWB and in an ideal world, we'd all choose our DC's fathers a lot more carefully. However, a loving mum is all your son needs. He certainly doesn't need this man.

Make things easier for yourself and expect nothing. That way, you won't be let down - nobody needs that. As for maintenance, you must claim but not out of spite. Harbouring spite and resentment does nobody any good. It uses up far too much energy and I feel certain that spiteful feelings show on a person's face (Nigel Farage is younger than Keanu Reeves, for example). Claim simply because that is what you do.

As PP have said, you know what his dad's name is, it does not need to be on the BC. You can give your son this information when he asks. And if you've seen that episode of 'Only Fools and Horses' where it is revealed that Trigger's birth certificate states that his father is 'some soldiers', don't let it worry you - the registrar will leave that section blank and will be mindful enough not to ask insensitive questions.

Wishing you and your son health and happiness.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 01/10/2020 00:18

As pp have said, don't put him on the bc. You can't if he doesn't go to the appointment anyway. Register the baby with your surname.
If you name him he gets responsibilities and you have to agree all sorts of things with him for 18 years such as school places and vaccinations. You may need consent for travel.
If you don't name him then you can still apply for child support.
There's no reason to name him. I'm an amateur genealogist who loves a bc but errors and deception were and are rife on bc.

AltoCation · 01/10/2020 00:24

He, and his Mum and Sister, can still love him, see him etc whether or not he is in the bc.

He is saying he doesn’t want to be in it... fine, with a man with a flaky unpleasant attitude that is in your favour.

Don’t tell him until after you have registered the birth that he is still liable for CM.

And don’t withhold contact with your baby’s paternal family if they seem keen to have a relationship. Because family, if they do show love, is better than feeling abandoned.

blueberrypie0112 · 01/10/2020 00:25

Have there ever been a case where the mom is not allowed to be on birth certificate because she is a abusive mother?

Boomclaps · 01/10/2020 00:38

@blueberrypie0112

Put him on birth certificate. Your child deserves to know his family lineage and heritage.
You do know you can’t just put someone on the BC, unless you’re married. They actually have to both agree and attend the registry office, which given this Dickheads actions isn’t really going to happen. furthermore it’s not OP’s responsibility to meet her child’s needs in terms of addressing paternal Linage and heritage if the child’s father has decided to abdicate responsibility.

The woman is single handedly bringing up a kid, yet she’s also expected to sort all her exes shite too. Confused

prh47bridge · 01/10/2020 00:47

I think most posters have got this right, but just to confirm...

You can't put him on the birth certificate without his consent.

You can claim maintenance from him through the CSA regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate.

He can apply for contact regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate. Maintenance and contact are separate issues. If he applies, the courts will almost certainly order contact even if he is not paying maintenance.

If he is not on the birth certificate, he will not have parental responsibility. That means he will not be entitled to a say in your son's education or religious upbringing, nor will he be able to consent to medical treatment. It also means that you will not need his consent to take your son out of the country.

anorangeaday · 01/10/2020 00:50

Don’t put him on the Bc, give your DC your surname, put in a claim for CM

lyralalala · 01/10/2020 00:58

@blueberrypie0112

Have there ever been a case where the mom is not allowed to be on birth certificate because she is a abusive mother?
The birth certificate is a declaration of parentage. It doesn't give automatic access rights.

There are babies removed at birth, but their mother still goes on their birth certifiate.

The OP's baby's Dad can have himself added to the BC with a declaration of parentage if he wants too, he can go to court. If he really, really wants to be on it there are ways to get onto it if he wants.

The OP just can't put him on against his wishes as they're not married.

Coyoacan · 01/10/2020 01:03

Well your son deserves to know who his father was, and NOT having a name on the bc can feel awful

Don't be silly. My dd doesn't have her father's name on her birth certificate and she knows perfectly who he is and has never felt awful about a bit of paper.

ZoeCM · 01/10/2020 01:06

But the law about this is rather crap and if an unmarried father refuses to attend, the registrar can't enter his name.

I don't agree that the law is crap regarding this. Imagine if a woman could legally put any man's name on her child's birth certificate without his consent. How many footballers would be named?

blueberrypie0112 · 01/10/2020 01:08

So they will be on birth certificate no matter what they do, even if they refuse to sign?

I guess it goes to show this is why during divorce, custody should always go to the mother of both parents are good parents

Coyoacan · 01/10/2020 01:10

If he’s not on the BC I don’t want him in my sons life at all

You are angry now, but as long as his presence in your son's life is not detrimental, having him in your son's life and not on the birth certificate is the best of both worlds. Your son gets a dad and you get the right to cut off contact if he is seriously harmful to your child.

curiousierandcouriser · 01/10/2020 01:26

Please put in a CSA claim - even if you just get a token amount. You could open a separate account and deposit this amount in each time and gift it to your DC at 16 if you feel you don't need it. Even if its the minimum 7/wk (I think, assuming he hides income) that's still 5824 extra by that time (plus any interest).

Also, as PP said, its the principle.

lyralalala · 01/10/2020 01:37

@blueberrypie0112

So they will be on birth certificate no matter what they do, even if they refuse to sign?

I guess it goes to show this is why during divorce, custody should always go to the mother of both parents are good parents

You are putting far too much emphasis on the birth certificate. It's irrelevant to custody. My Grandparents had custody of me, and eventually had PR for me, despite, obviously, not being on my birth certificate.

Parental responsibility is the key thing to making decisions like schools and passports. That's why the OP is being advised not to force his hand. If he wants PR then he can get it by applying for it. Mothers have PR automatically which is why they are automatically on the BC.

Marmitecrackers · 01/10/2020 09:02

Put him on the birth certificate. Your son deserves to know who his had is.

If he's right though and you were willing to have a baby without being in a relationship then I don't think he should be made to pay anything.

Poor little baby.

emptyshelvesagain · 01/10/2020 09:05

I don't understand why people saying the child 'deserves to know who his dad is' are advocating handing parental rights to a cunt like this.

NandosPeriometer · 01/10/2020 09:07

You can't put Dad on the certificate if he doesn't want to come to the appointment.

If he doesn't want to come then that's fine but I wouldn't use it as a reason not to claim CMS or stop contact. Dads can go on birth certificate later if he changes his mind.

Brunt0n · 01/10/2020 09:11

Honestly you’d be a mug to put him on the birth certificate. Why would you even want to?

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 01/10/2020 09:15

Don't put him on it. There's a current/recent thread by a mum who's having no end of trouble trying to leave her abusive ex behind, but because he's on the BC, he's entitled to see the child/children. Even though he's subjected them (including the child/ren) to terrible abuse. She really regrets putting him on, it's so sad.

Lazypuppy · 01/10/2020 09:15

OP if he doesn't turn up to appointment you can't put him on BC anyway so no decision to make.