Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate

213 replies

SendWine · 30/09/2020 22:44

Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.

However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.

We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.

AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2020 23:27

@lyralalala

Are you me?! Our posts are nearly identical 🤣

blueberrypie0112 · 30/09/2020 23:28

As more and more people denying paternity, maybe we should tax men more, they could be anyone’s father.

RHOBHfan · 30/09/2020 23:28

@Veterinari

Don't put him in the birth certificate.

Ensure your son has your surname.

Put in a CMS claim

This x 10000
lyralalala · 30/09/2020 23:29

[quote Merryoldgoat]@lyralalala

Are you me?! Our posts are nearly identical 🤣[/quote]
Last time I looked I was me, but I've not passed the mirror for a while Grin

BrazenlyDefying · 30/09/2020 23:29

I'm a genealogist. I strongly believe that birth certificates should be a statement of biological fact - who a child's parents are. Leave aside feelings, and thoughts, and the whole legal stuff. 100 years down the line none of that matters.

But the law about this is rather crap and if an unmarried father refuses to attend, the registrar can't enter his name.

lyralalala · 30/09/2020 23:30

@blueberrypie0112

As more and more people denying paternity, maybe we should tax men more, they could be anyone’s father.
All it needs is the political will to push CMS to use the powers they have (the list of things they can do always shocks people) and far less men would be able to dodge paying for their offspring long time.
Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2020 23:31

@BrazenlyDefying

I'm a genealogist. I strongly believe that birth certificates should be a statement of biological fact - who a child's parents are. Leave aside feelings, and thoughts, and the whole legal stuff. 100 years down the line none of that matters.

But the law about this is rather crap and if an unmarried father refuses to attend, the registrar can't enter his name.

It might not matter in 100 years, but it sure matters now. I’d rather give a genealogist a tricky job in 100 years than give an abusive or useless man parental responsibility now.
BrazenlyDefying · 30/09/2020 23:32

And I totally get that.

Which is why I think the whole thing needs a rethink - disentangle the statement of biological fact from the legal responsibilities of parenthood.

RHOBHfan · 30/09/2020 23:33

Oh.. and to all PP saying he should be on the birth certificate as your son ‘deserves to know who his father is’?

What rot. I have someone named as the father on my BC. Not seen him since I was 8 months old. As though the two are inextricably linked 🙄

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2020 23:33

All it needs is the political will to push CMS to use the powers they have (the list of things they can do always shocks people) and far less men would be able to dodge paying for their offspring long time.

I agree with this so much.

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2020 23:34

@BrazenlyDefying

And I totally get that.

Which is why I think the whole thing needs a rethink - disentangle the statement of biological fact from the legal responsibilities of parenthood.

Yes. That makes sense. Tricky to navigate though.
lyralalala · 30/09/2020 23:35

@BrazenlyDefying

I'm a genealogist. I strongly believe that birth certificates should be a statement of biological fact - who a child's parents are. Leave aside feelings, and thoughts, and the whole legal stuff. 100 years down the line none of that matters.

But the law about this is rather crap and if an unmarried father refuses to attend, the registrar can't enter his name.

Being able to name anyone, and in particular unmarried men being able to register the birth themselves, would just open up a different can of worms.
emptyshelvesagain · 30/09/2020 23:36

I'm a genealogist. I strongly believe that birth certificates should be a statement of biological fact - who a child's parents are. Leave aside feelings, and thoughts, and the whole legal stuff. 100 years down the line none of that matters.

I'm a parent. I strongly believe that children deserve protection. Fuck what happens in 100 years time. What happens here and now to that child is more important than what a genealogist can read in 100 years.

TitsOutForHarambe · 30/09/2020 23:38

Do you need the money from him? Can you manage without?

I know you shouldn't have to, of course, but if he's already turning out to be a useless shit and shirking his responsibilities then it might be worth considering going it alone. Life as a single parent can be tough, but it's a lot easier than trying to co-parent with a selfish dickhead. If you can afford to do this without him then it might be best to let these sporadic visits fade out and forget him.

Alittlebitlost20 · 30/09/2020 23:40

@FjordFiestas

This rarely seems to be mentioned but it's not actually up to you or him to decide not to put him on. Either he's put on, you lie and say you don't know who the father is (which is a criminal offence to lie on official documentation, but many women still do) or you tell them he is refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice. He's the father and should be on the birth certificate. It's not about you or him or how you feel about him or how he feels about you or how either of you feel about parenting. It's about a child who deserves to know where they came from, who deserves to not be embarrassed every time they provide their birth certificate to an employer who sees "UNKNOWN" under the "father" box.
Nowadays it doesn't say unknown in the fathers details box.. It is just left blank.
BrazenlyDefying · 30/09/2020 23:41

Also I think that the way DNA is going, that my genealogy colleagues in the future are going to find it much easier to trace lines. There is currently an ethical debate raging about what you do if you discover a close genetic match who doesn't know about you - the product of an affair, or an adoption, or someone passed off as a sibling who was in fact a child.

Far more common than you'd think and not just something you see on Eastenders. Birth certificates are just one thing a smart genealogist would use to research a family anyway.

DueNumberTwo · 30/09/2020 23:43

@TitsOutForHarambe he should pay child maintenance even if he is not seeing the child. Op doesn't have to co-parent with him (unless a court says she does) in order to claim CM

DueNumberTwo · 30/09/2020 23:44

This rarely seems to be mentioned but it's not actually up to you or him to decide not to put him on. Either he's put on, you lie and say you don't know who the father is (which is a criminal offence to lie on official documentation, but many women still do) or you tell them he is refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice. He's the father and should be on the birth certificate. It's not about you or him or how you feel about him or how he feels about you or how either of you feel about parenting. It's about a child who deserves to know where they came from, who deserves to not be embarrassed every time they provide their birth certificate to an employer who sees "UNKNOWN" under the "father" box.

You don't seem to have any clue what you're talking about

Original poster
SendWine · 30/09/2020 23:45

@TitsOutForHarambe this was my original thinking, no involvement at all but not taking anything from him either.

But part of me wants to claim out of spite now as I know that’s what he doesn’t want!!

If he does still see him, I will 100% be claiming!

OP posts:
IceCreamSummer20 · 30/09/2020 23:50

I put YABU because it won’t make you and your child’s life any better if he goes on the birth certificate. Even worse than a man who doesn’t want to father his own child is one who uses his ‘rights’ to be a constant pain to you, through your child.

He’s opting out. It’s not your life choice. It was his too. But he’s not up for it. You will be fine I bought up DS with very little help and he’s a fine young man now.

Chloemol · 30/09/2020 23:52

Don’t put him on, but get the maintenance sorted

ittooshallpass · 30/09/2020 23:53

Please don't add this pathetic man onto your baby's BC. You'll be giving him parental responsibility, which would no doubt give you and your child a lifetime of interference.

You do realise that if he is on the BC you would have to ask him for permission to take your child out of the country - so he could stop you taking your child on holiday. He could refuse to allow your child to go to the nursery or school you have chosen. You would also have to consider all his ideas, wishes and demands - regardless of the fact you're not in a relationship. How awful that would be for you and your child.

Him not wanting to be on the BC is a gift! Go and register your alone, leave the 'father' blank and relax in the knowledge that YOU will be able to make decisions about your baby without discussion.

Who cares about a genealogist in 100 years, you can tell your child who their father is, it's not a secret.

YoureRight · 30/09/2020 23:57

The ejaculator doesn’t need PR, but he will be required to pay for his choice to impregnate you, I am burdened with garbage for ‘parents’ and it sickened me seeing their names on my legal documents on my wedding day, the male that people choose to impregnate them is the biggest choice they’ll ever make and will impact their lives every day.

YoureRight · 30/09/2020 23:58

(And more importantly, will impact their offsprings life, every day.)

timetest · 01/10/2020 00:04

If he doesn’t turn up with you to register the birth, he is not put on the birth certificate. I would put in a claim for cms. The money is his contribution towards his child’s costs, a child whose presence on this earth he is equally responsible for. If you can manage without maintenance, put it in an account for your child’s future. He sounds a waste of space and you and your child are better off without him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread