Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate

[SendWine]

Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.

However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.

We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.

AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.

[SendWine]

@FjordFiestas I totally agree and that is why I’m so upset he’s refusing to go on it. It’s not my choice to keep him off but I can’t make him attend the appointment

[Bbub]

I think you should definitely be getting CSA from him, what kind of scumbag doesn't offer a penny towards his own child!

And wrt the birth certificate the only thing I have to add is a situation a friend is in currently. His sister raised her child without ANY money or contact from the father for 5 years (they split while she was pregnant). She tragically died and he came back on the scene immediately fighting for custody, with the solicitors saying it was only even an option because he was on the birth certificate, otherwise he'd have no claim. I don't know the ins and outs obviously but wanted to share that

[AnneLovesGilbert]

That’s good about his name OP. Sorry he’s so shit. You and your baby deserve better but what can you do.

[lyralalala]

@FjordFiestas

This rarely seems to be mentioned but it's not actually up to you or him to decide not to put him on. Either he's put on, you lie and say you don't know who the father is (which is a criminal offence to lie on official documentation, but many women still do) or you tell them he is refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice. He's the father and should be on the birth certificate. It's not about you or him or how you feel about him or how he feels about you or how either of you feel about parenting. It's about a child who deserves to know where they came from, who deserves to not be embarrassed every time they provide their birth certificate to an employer who sees "UNKNOWN" under the "father" box.

It's not a criminal offence not to put a father on the birth certificate.

Firstly they don't put "Unknown" on birth certficates anymore. It will simply be left blank.

Secondly she can't put him on there if he doesn't attend the appointment. Unmarried women cannot name a father unless they attend (just as unmarried fathers cannot register the birth alone).

[Merryoldgoat]

@FjordFiestas

This rarely seems to be mentioned but it's not actually up to you or him to decide not to put him on. Either he's put on, you lie and say you don't know who the father is (which is a criminal offence to lie on official documentation, but many women still do) or you tell them he is refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice. He's the father and should be on the birth certificate. It's not about you or him or how you feel about him or how he feels about you or how either of you feel about parenting. It's about a child who deserves to know where they came from, who deserves to not be embarrassed every time they provide their birth certificate to an employer who sees "UNKNOWN" under the "father" box.

You cannot put a father on there if you are unmarried and he’s not present.

If he doesn’t show up it’s irrelevant what the mother wants or what’s right.

It doesn’t say ‘UNKNOWN’ - it’s just blank.

My father isn’t on my birth certificate. I am not embarrassed about it. I deserved a better father than I got but at least he couldn’t make decisions about my life because my mum
Thought I might get embarrassed.

[SendWine]

Thanks everyone. I think you are right, it sounds like maybe it’s for the best he is not on it, he’s done me a favour!

My problem is he still thinks he can not be on it and see his son when he likes. If he’s not on the BC I don’t want him in my sons life at all!

[VampireBill]

Why would your employer want to see your birth certificate? I don't even think I've ever seen mine (and I'm 56).

[Merryoldgoat]

[quote SendWine]@FjordFiestas I totally agree and that is why I’m so upset he’s refusing to go on it. It’s not my choice to keep him off but I can’t make him attend the appointment[/quote]
Do you actually understand implications of having a man who is obviously so unpleasant on your child’s birth certificate?

I’m bewildered by your desire to have him on there - you’ve dodged a bullet and can’t seem to see it.

[lucie8881]

@VampireBill

Why would your employer want to see your birth certificate? I don't even think I've ever seen mine (and I'm 56).

I was about to say the same thing. I've never had to produce my birth certificate in the work place.

[blueberrypie0112]

@blueberrypie0112

Interesting, but in the US, we can put anyone on birth certificate, and if they deny it, they have to prove it.

Or maybe not, at least not anymore. I just remember a couple people were able to do it before we had all these dna tests.

[lyralalala]

@SendWine

Thanks everyone. I think you are right, it sounds like maybe it’s for the best he is not on it, he’s done me a favour!

My problem is he still thinks he can not be on it and see his son when he likes. If he’s not on the BC I don’t want him in my sons life at all!

You will have to be careful with that one.

Whilst he can't get out of CMS payments just by not being on the birth certificate, he doesn't have to be on it to go for access.

[FjordFiestas]

@lyralalala I didn't say it was a criminal offence for him not to be on there. I said it was a criminal offence to say she didn't know who the father is - which is true. If he refuses to go and be put on the birth certificate OP will have to tell them he's refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice, just like I said she should.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’d prioritise the child support thing ASAP. Your job and income are irrelevant, though it’s good you’re stable. He owes your child a financial contribution and if he hasn’t offered and isn’t likely to agree to a private arrangement - you know he’s unreliable anyway - you need to make it official and set up a claim via the CMS. Do you know his income?

[FjordFiestas]

@VampireBill

Why would your employer want to see your birth certificate? I don't even think I've ever seen mine (and I'm 56).

Depends on your job I suppose. I've worked as a teacher and a solicitor and both required my birth certificate when getting registered/trained.

[Merryoldgoat]

@SendWine

Thanks everyone. I think you are right, it sounds like maybe it’s for the best he is not on it, he’s done me a favour!

My problem is he still thinks he can not be on it and see his son when he likes. If he’s not on the BC I don’t want him in my sons life at all!

You are conflating several issues:

1. Whether or not he has parental responsibility and is on the birth certificate
   

1. Whether he is part of your child’s life
   

1. Whether he pays child support.
   

You should not exclude a parent from a child’s life because they’re not on the birth certificate or don’t pay child support. You should only exclude a parent if they are abusive or negatively affect the child. There is nothing wrong with putting structure in place but to refuse would be wrong.

He should pay child support whether or not he sees the child - it’s a separate issue.

Given how unwilling he is to be involved him having parental responsibility is ill-advised. If he got vindictive he could have a say over schooling, where you live, holidays abroad etc.

[ArdoCycle]

He has parental rights and obligations regardless if he is on the birth certificate or not.

[HollowTalk]

He should definitely be on the birth certificate for your child's sake.

You should claim CS for your child's sake, even if you just put it into the bank. Not that you should feel you have to do that.

He is a useless waste of space, isn't he?

[blueberrypie0112]

I just read it is a criminal offense in the us if the father (or mother) refuse paternity test if one of the parents sign a paper requesting he need to be on birth certificate.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

@ArdoCycle

He has parental rights and obligations regardless if he is on the birth certificate or not.

Like what?

[SendWine]

@AnneLovesGilbert unfortunately not. And his self employed so know he will be trying his best to hide it!!

[lyralalala]

[quote FjordFiestas]@lyralalala I didn't say it was a criminal offence for him not to be on there. I said it was a criminal offence to say she didn't know who the father is - which is true. If he refuses to go and be put on the birth certificate OP will have to tell them he's refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice, just like I said she should.[/quote]
There is no advice for them to give. As soon as she is there for the appointment alone and answers "No" to the questions "Are you married?" and "Is the father attending?" they'll get on with it. And there will be know "Unknown" in the father box as they don't away with that years ago.

It won't be remotely a big deal because it's a very common thing to happen.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Bugger.

[DueNumberTwo]

By the sounds of it it's for the best if he's not on the birth certificate. You don't want to share parental responsibility with him tbh.
You can and should still go to CSA to claim the money your child is entitled to.
You should still allow your child to have a relationship with him as long as he is not in any way abusive or neglectful

[Merryoldgoat]

[quote FjordFiestas]@lyralalala I didn't say it was a criminal offence for him not to be on there. I said it was a criminal offence to say she didn't know who the father is - which is true. If he refuses to go and be put on the birth certificate OP will have to tell them he's refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice, just like I said she should.[/quote]
You are just wrong on this. It’s not about ‘unknown’ - they just don’t go on there and it’s not a big deal.

No registrar is asking why he’s not here registering with you.

There isn’t ‘advice’ to give.

Are you married to the father of the baby? No
Is he with you? No.
Fine, he doesn’t go on.

[Chocolatedeficitdisorder]

which is true. If he refuses to go and be put on the birth certificate OP will have to tell them he's refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice, just like I said she should.
@FjordFiestas
There's no need to ask advice and there's no advice to take, the law is clear. If they're unmarried and he's not present at the birth registration, he doesn't get named on the certificate and the space is left blank. That's it.