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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too fat to adopt?

144 replies

Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 17:07

DH and I are in the process of adopting and I've been told to lose weight after my medical assessment. I have no health conditions whatsoever - my only complaint is that I do get back/shoulder pain from my excessively large breasts (34G). I am currently training to run the London Marathon last week (which is my first marathon), I've previously run half marathons and climbed Kilimanjaro etc so I'm an active person. My medical assessment says I'm 158cm and 66kg. I'm very comfortable with my body and feel like their being incredibly controlling and projecting onto me that I'm not attractive rather than there being any actual reason behind this.
Am I being unreasonable to think I shouldn't have to lose weight in order to adopt a child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 17:07

*they're, not their - sorry!

OP posts:
GlubGlubGlub · 29/09/2020 17:09

That’s absolutely ridiculous, your BMI is only just in the overweight category and you sound like you are athletic.

DueNumberTwo · 29/09/2020 17:10

Your bmi is in the overweight category but not by much. I could see why they'd ask someone who was very obese to lose weight as their health could have an impact on the child but I do think it's overkill considering your bmi is 'only' 26.

Perro · 29/09/2020 17:10

You’re not hugely overweight, and are obviously very fit! Are you sure that it’s your weight per se that they are taking issue with, rather than any other health issues you may have? Would your GP provide you with a statement to confirm that you are very fit and healthy?

CheshireCats · 29/09/2020 17:11

According to BMI calculations you are only 3kg over optimal weight range. It's hardly huge is it? I would question it...

SimonJT · 29/09/2020 17:12

They wanted to me to reduce mt BMI before the AO was signed, I’m not overweight as such, I’m a prop so I’m heavy. I didn’t lose any weight and it wasn’t a problem at all.

Also, pop over to the adoption board, lots of lovely experienced adopters regularly post.

Ohgoodness34 · 29/09/2020 17:13

Who told you to lose weight? Health professional or your Social worker? And have they given you an amount that you mustlose before proceeding any further in the process or is it more of a suggestion that you should consider losing weight for your general health?

Adoptive parent here

BuffaloCauliflower · 29/09/2020 17:14

This seems odd, I’m about the same size and weight as you usually and I’m not even considered higher risk to carry a child, let alone adopt one, and am generally pretty healthy. You’re only barely overweight, even by the limited blunt tool that BMI is. Health is more complex than just weight too, especially at that end of the curve. I’d certainly be questioning this.

DueNumberTwo · 29/09/2020 17:14

I found this online

Am I too fat to adopt?
DueNumberTwo · 29/09/2020 17:15

@SimonJT what was your bmi at that point if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster
Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 17:16

@Perro

You’re not hugely overweight, and are obviously very fit! Are you sure that it’s your weight per se that they are taking issue with, rather than any other health issues you may have? Would your GP provide you with a statement to confirm that you are very fit and healthy?
It's definitely the weight that's the issue because they've said they'd like me to lose around 10kg before they're willing to continue the process. What's confusing me is that my husband is 185cm tall and 105kg and they haven't asked him to lose weight. The GP completed the medical assessment with my height and weight on it for the adoption agency. There aren't any other health issues that they could be referring to.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 17:17

@Ohgoodness34

Who told you to lose weight? Health professional or your Social worker? And have they given you an amount that you mustlose before proceeding any further in the process or is it more of a suggestion that you should consider losing weight for your general health?

Adoptive parent here

Our social worker said I should lose around 10kg before we continue the process.
OP posts:
DueNumberTwo · 29/09/2020 17:18

Your dh is actually obese then. Maybe they've mixed you up?
You'll need to ask them to clarify, point out that your bmi is 26 and your dh is 30 and ask why you've been asked to lose weight but he hasn't.

Original poster
Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 17:18

[quote DueNumberTwo]@SimonJT what was your bmi at that point if you don't mind me asking? [/quote]
My BMI is 26.5kg. DH (who hasn't been asked to lose weight, and, to be fair, is all muscle) has a BMI of 30.5.

OP posts:
BrokenBrit · 29/09/2020 17:20

That’s ridiculous OP, did your SW tell you this? Or the doctor doing the assessment? I have never heard anyone who is only a BMI 26 be told they need to lose weight in order to adopt! You sound very fit and healthy. I would certainly question this. I have known people get rejected for very high BMI, in the obese range, but I would assume an error in your case.

KenDodd · 29/09/2020 17:21

Could it be some sort of test to see how committed you are?
Did they are your partner to do anything?

marmite79 · 29/09/2020 17:22

You don't sound big at all. How ridiculous!

Original poster
Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 17:24

@KenDodd

Could it be some sort of test to see how committed you are? Did they are your partner to do anything?
This seems slightly sadistic to be honest. They haven't asked my partner to do anything I'd consider to be unusual. Obviously, I'd lose the weight to have a child but I resent having to do so. I can't see any way in which my spare tyre would impact a child.
OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 29/09/2020 17:27

It's absurd.

Inkpaperstars · 29/09/2020 17:29

Probably the majority of parents in this country are overweight. What are they going to do OP, keep monitoring you after the adoption and have the child removed if you gain a pound? It's like being signed up to dodgy modelling agency not applying to adopt.

I would be questioning this to the max, on all fronts.

SimonJT · 29/09/2020 17:30

[quote DueNumberTwo]@SimonJT what was your bmi at that point if you don't mind me asking? [/quote]
It was about 28 I think, I’m a rugby prop, so it wasn’t due to having a too high body fat percentage. I would have to had dropped muscle mass (and ruined my career) to drop weight.

SideAfries · 29/09/2020 17:30

I don’t believe this happened tbf.

TinySleepThief · 29/09/2020 17:30

That does seem beyond rediculous especially given how active you sound and adding in the fact they haven't asked the same of your husband.

I can't see any way in which my spare tyre would impact a child.

I wouldn't even consider it a spare tyre. Grin

Savemyusername · 29/09/2020 17:31

Do you ‘look’ overweight?

zafferana · 29/09/2020 17:31

This seems very unfair and discriminatory, tbh. If you were very overweight and it affected your health I could understand, but 3kg overweight? Plenty of women conceive and carry a pregnancy being significantly heavier than that and I don't see the difference between that and adopting - both lead to parenthood. I'd probably ignore it.

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