Am I too fat to adopt?

[Lampshaped]

DH and I are in the process of adopting and I've been told to lose weight after my medical assessment. I have no health conditions whatsoever - my only complaint is that I do get back/shoulder pain from my excessively large breasts (34G). I am currently training to run the London Marathon last week (which is my first marathon), I've previously run half marathons and climbed Kilimanjaro etc so I'm an active person. My medical assessment says I'm 158cm and 66kg. I'm very comfortable with my body and feel like their being incredibly controlling and projecting onto me that I'm not attractive rather than there being any actual reason behind this.
Am I being unreasonable to think I shouldn't have to lose weight in order to adopt a child?

What was it that made you think it was about attractiveness?

Why would you think that a social services requirement was “ being incredibly controlling “?

I had to loose weight for my second adoption, I was exactly the same weight as I had been for the first adoption (admittedly just in the obese range so too fat) but the medical adviser had changed and had a different point of view. I hired a personal trainer and I lost a bit, it was the ongoing losing that they were interested in rather than how much exactly. You wouldn't have to lose much to get down into the normal range, so give updates using terms like 'within NHS guidelines for healthy BMI' eg I've lost X kg and now I'm only Y kg away from being a healthy weight according to NHS guidelines. If they push for more then you can ask if they disagree with NHS guidelines, they will be very reluctant to flat out say that any sort of govt guideline is wrong.

Weirdly we were never asked about contraception, I was waiting for the question and was ready to lie agree to use condoms or something because we didn't use anything (advantage of infertility). Perhaps they just assumed that if it hadn't happened in 12 years of marriage including several rounds of ICSI then it wouldn't happen ever.

I have a much higher bmi than you and we adopted through the local authority. The doctors report obviously said I was obese but I didn't have to lose weight. When asked I said I was on slimming world and that was the last time it was mentioned. It did cause me stress at the time though as weight is partly caused by pcos which also caused infertility.

I would ask them for their policy that states a BMI of 26 is not acceptable, failing that, ask to speak to the SW manager.

When I adopted I was told they wouldn't be concerned unless my BMI was over 40 (it's about 26).

If there is no mistake you had better play along but its so sad its come to this. The main obstacle to the wellbeing of adopted children is usually lack of support from social workers, not the parents slight overweight. Get some good bras and maybe you can low carb a few weeks and shut them up. I would push back and ask for a second opinion still. Is your SW very young?

Sorry to derail this fascinating thread, however can anyone point me in the direction of the mumsnet bra challenge? Google isn't really helping - I'm generously endowed and really need some new bras, but live miles away from a Bravissimo and can't easily access any lingerie shops.

Also check with them are they following CoramBAAF guidance (summarised here) oxfordshirechildcare.proceduresonline.com/p_guide_med_advisors.html

As a higher BMI would seem to be the trigger point there.

BMI can be a false positive of obesity as it doesn't take into account muscle mass. Muscle weights more then fat. If you are very fit, you might have a high muscle to fat ratio that will make your BMI artificially high and this will be made worse if you are big boned. You should maybe get a second opinion with someone specialised in metabolic medicine if GP is no help. Trying to loose weight if you are really fit might be damaging.

That's really shocking! You are perfect. Surely they aren't allowed to say that to you. Grrr

Have you queried this as my friends adopted a lovely 4 year old and they are morbidly obese.

They are both 20+ stone and we're not asked to lose weight.

I'd get it clarified as it seems rather extreme.

Do you say they are also asking you to lose 10kg?? That seems a lot when you're only a few kg overweight?

@arborea i think i can remember the details - there are a lot of old threads on it.

You measure under your breasts tight as you can possibly get it.

You then bend over to measure to get the cupsize measurement

It is likely that the under chest measurement will be less than your current bra size - I went down from 34 to 32 - and the wider measurement will be up a couple of cupsizes because it now includes all the fat around the breasts - and bigger cupsize will mean all the fat in the area will be able to be in the bra and so you are supported far better.

I’ve previously worked as a medical advisor to an adoption panel and thus would simply not have been an issue. The only time I remember expressing concern about weight was in a male adopter who had a BMI of around 35 and rising and poorly controlled diabetes. The concern was around his engagement with health services ie not attending regular appointments with diabetes nurse etc. We were worried about what that would mean both for his health in the long-term and how he would engage with any health services that a child might need. So not really the obesity itself iyswim.

I was at least 4 stone overweight when we adopted. I was advised that it would be a good idea to lose some weight, but no more comments were ever made.
It certainly didn't stop or delay the process.
Something is v odd here, OP. Can you seek clarification?

Christ Almighty. If birth parents had to jump through all these hoops...

Having been through the pain of infertility, we both agreed the process of adoption was going to be too gruelling for us. I have no regrets.

But good luck OP

I am a social worker and have seen many, many children placed with adopters with a much higher BMI than yours.

I've adopted twice. Once with BMI about 38 and once over 40 ...I have a long term medical condition although my consultant wrote a letter to panel stating that it should not prevent me from being an adoptive parent.

Getting back to the BMI, on both approval panels it wasn't even mentioned to me although I did talk to the medical examiner prior to panel to provide more info. The dr then just said that I would be fine to adopt despite being somewhat overweight .

From your description, the SW is being ridiculous

Have n/c for this as may be outing. I’m a Sw in an adoption team, I would be very surprised if there hasn’t been an error somewhere. We do have guidance to follow with applicants weight but to pause an assessment your BMI would have to be over 40 in my area . Although I can’t guarantee every LA or agency is the same, I certainly believe that they wouldn’t be able to treat you and your husband differently. In our area the Gp sends your report to a medical advisors who summaries the information in a short paragraph and let’s us know any issues that may impact adoption or any child in your care.