Am I too fat to adopt?

[Lampshaped]

DH and I are in the process of adopting and I've been told to lose weight after my medical assessment. I have no health conditions whatsoever - my only complaint is that I do get back/shoulder pain from my excessively large breasts (34G). I am currently training to run the London Marathon last week (which is my first marathon), I've previously run half marathons and climbed Kilimanjaro etc so I'm an active person. My medical assessment says I'm 158cm and 66kg. I'm very comfortable with my body and feel like their being incredibly controlling and projecting onto me that I'm not attractive rather than there being any actual reason behind this.
Am I being unreasonable to think I shouldn't have to lose weight in order to adopt a child?

And plenty of thin people have internal obesity and will die of heart attacks and strokes at a young age. How are they excluding those individuals?! Their BMIs will be perfect!

@Shayisgreat

The social worker wouldn't say anything about weight unless it was written in the medical report. It would be too easy to cause offence/be mistaken about whether someone is actually overweight. If there is a medical report saying someone is overweight, the social worker can "back up" their request to lose weight with an expert advice. Social workers aren't medical experts.

Exactly - which is why I’d take the issue straight back to the GP.

Wow. I’m a state registered dietitian and I think that’s over the top. Ideally everyone would have a BMI 20-25 but 26.5 is not something that would worry me unduly. Body shape is also important, are you pear shaped or apple shaped ( as I am) ? Pear shaped is more healthy and associated with lower heart disease and diabetes rates as the fat around the stomach is more associated with insulin resistance. Good luck with your adoption process, it must be really difficult being out under the microscope and clearing all the hurdles, much as they are there for the child’s safety.

How are you overweight if you are running and training for marathons? You must be burning loads of calories

BMI isn't a good fit for everyone. It's pretty normal to be very fit and healthy and just weigh more because of muscle mass or heavier breasts as a pp said. All sorts. We're not all built the same.

Like others I would ask for clarification, stating you and your husband's BMI and otherwise health. Then if they still say just you have to lose an arbitrary 10kg, I'd complain

I am very overweight, and I’ve successfully adopted :) you need to show that you’re willing to try to lose weight, but they’re not going to weigh you and check. You need to prepare yourself now to jump through a lot of hoops. If they ask you to do something, then you need to agree. It’s a long process with lots of requirements and it’ll go quicker and easier if you do what they ask/tell you :)

Unless something is flagged in the medical report they wouldn't know. Social workers can only work on the evidence they have! I think this particular social worker is being unfair asking one person to lose weight and not both. The request for both to lose weight would be reasonable I think.

34g isn’t excessively large.

@Aquamarine1029

The adoption issue aside, if I were you I would be getting a breast reduction. They are already causing you pain and that certainly isn't going to get any better. Before long, the damage to your back could be permanent.

A good friend was referred for a breast reduction but the surgeon sent her to orthopaedics who recommended managing conservatively with very good quality bras/corsetry. Back pain solved!

Recently adopted ourselves. Husband is rugby player, very fit but technically overweight when measured via bmi.

They were pretty relentless with us on this too. Insisted on him getting print outs from a weigh machine on a monthly basis as we went through stage two to show he was committed to a healthy lifestyle.

I must admit we played the game, I think he lost a few pounds by the time we got to panel. At panel we weren't even asked about it, it was a none issue, noone has mentioned it again through matching process or matching panel.

DH was very non committal when he talked about it with SW. Just like 'i understand the importance of a healthy diet' etc.

If your SW is actively holding you in the process until you lose weight you need to talk to their service manager to see how that was decided on.

If they are still progressing you but keep taking about it I would just say play the game. You know the bigger picture of why you're adopting. Don't let this get in the way. It's all worth it in the end I promise!!

Good luck!!

@FurrySlipperBoots, No, you’re not usually allowed to be a smoker. You did used to be, but most agencies would not be ok with that now. Both are on the principal of health and longevity of parents. Some people may know of exceptions, but in general those are the rules. A lot of adopters struggle with the assessment process in some way, I’m not saying that the view on weight etc doesn’t put people off, but that’s the thinking behind it. It’s down to some children having to already move from home to a foster placement, in some cases a foster placement to another placement due to Carer’s ill health, often children do have multiple moves. Equally, adopted children can have specific needs which will be harder to manage if a parent becomes ill. A lot of things in adoption can be tricky, it’s often seen as a bit of a gruelling process.

@bridgetreilly, I don’t know why they haven’t spoken to her husband. That should be pointed out, but really OP needs to discuss that with the social worker assessing them. You should be able to raise your own issues with them as well, especially if you feel uncomfortable with something that’s said. That’s why I suggested posting in adoption as often personal experience from others might help the OP. It may well be that they haven’t taken her fitness into account alongside their standard stance on parent longevity. The husband issue I don’t understand, but OP, I’d encourage you to bring that up with your social worker along with how much exercise you do.

I imagine they have a tick box that they have to say it if someone is in the overweight category. I'm assuming they are unable to make exceptions for people just slightly over as otherwise where do they draw the line? Although I do agree it does seem very unfair

I would also be very angry that your partner was not told the same despite having a worse BMI

I know someone who is morbidly obese and has adopted.

A lot of the guidelines are not hard and fast rules (thinking of a pp’s comment about the children not losing another parent.)

I know someone in their 60s (single parent adopter) who adopted two young children. On paper you might think that was not appropriate but if you knew her you would completely support it.

We have our panel in the next few days, the medical examiner has signed me off for panel despite having a BMI over 40.

I am absolutely confused as to your examiner refusing to take you forward without weight loss.

@Aquamarine1029

I suffered with health conditions relating to being a size G. Once I bit the bullet and bought better quality bras from bravissimo they cleared up.

Ridiculous, some people are heavier than others, I imagine you’re muscular. You’re more than capable of carrying a child, stepping in if there’s an emergency and playing with a child.

You’re also healthy, you ran a marathon. You’re not about to have a heart attack.

Appeal.

@Aquamarine1029

The adoption issue aside, if I were you I would be getting a breast reduction. They are already causing you pain and that certainly isn't going to get any better. Before long, the damage to your back could be permanent.

I would if. I could. justify the cost!

I had no idea this was a thing. Seems very logical.

I know two sets of adoptive parents, both of whom are significantly obese.

SORRY!

Meant illogical

😳😳😳

@BritWifeinUSA

Of your bra band size is 34 then you actually only measure 30 inches around your trunk. There’s no way that can be considered an unhealthy size. If your breasts are smaller you would have a lower BMI. Your actual frame is well within “normal” range.

No, I measure just under 30 underbust and wear a 30 band size .

Seems odd.

To people saying this a GP issue because they aren't medical experts. The doctor filled out a form stating my height and weight - the GP did not give an opinion on my weight.

I would be surprised if having a Bmi of 26 really raises the risk of anything for the OP. I thought there were many illnesses and certainly surgeries where the highest survival rate and best outcomes were among those who were overweight but only slightly so.

Also, how meaningful is it to be a certain weight on a certain date? I would have thought a stable weight of 26 bmi combined with activity is better than yoyoing between lower and higher weights.

The argument about losing another parent also doesn't make sense if OP's DH who could usefully lose a bit, hasn't been asked to do so.

There’s been a mistake. They’ve muddled you and your husband or they’ve misread your BMI.