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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too fat to adopt?

144 replies

Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 17:07

DH and I are in the process of adopting and I've been told to lose weight after my medical assessment. I have no health conditions whatsoever - my only complaint is that I do get back/shoulder pain from my excessively large breasts (34G). I am currently training to run the London Marathon last week (which is my first marathon), I've previously run half marathons and climbed Kilimanjaro etc so I'm an active person. My medical assessment says I'm 158cm and 66kg. I'm very comfortable with my body and feel like their being incredibly controlling and projecting onto me that I'm not attractive rather than there being any actual reason behind this.
Am I being unreasonable to think I shouldn't have to lose weight in order to adopt a child?

OP posts:

Bikinib0tt0m · 29/09/2020 18:23

Ridiculous, no wonder people are put off adopting in this country

Original poster

Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 18:25

@Rabblemum

Ridiculous, some people are heavier than others, I imagine you’re muscular. You’re more than capable of carrying a child, stepping in if there’s an emergency and playing with a child.

You’re also healthy, you ran a marathon. You’re not about to have a heart attack.

Appeal.

I don't think I can appeal because we've not been rejected - we're just on hold.

OP posts:

Savemyusername · 29/09/2020 18:32

Have you actually seen the medical report?

BuffaloCauliflower · 29/09/2020 18:34

@BritWifeinUSA if you’re adding 4inches to your rib cage measurement you get your bra size, you’re doing it wrong. Hasn’t been necessary for the 60 years bras have had elastic

BuffaloCauliflower · 29/09/2020 18:36

And yes, 34GG isn’t very big, and the weight and height you’ve given makes makes me think you’re wearing the wrong bra size, which might be contributing to the back ache. Give this a go:
booborbust.com/

(Nothing to do with adoption of course but you might be more comfortable)

Browneyesbigbum · 29/09/2020 18:36

@Bikinib0tt0m

Ridiculous, no wonder people are put off adopting in this country

My friend is a family finder social worker and says this is not accurate at all.....

No one be put off by a random on the Internet telling you that this is the case!

Browneyesbigbum · 29/09/2020 18:38

@AnxiousPixie

Recently adopted ourselves. Husband is rugby player, very fit but technically overweight when measured via bmi.

They were pretty relentless with us on this too. Insisted on him getting print outs from a weigh machine on a monthly basis as we went through stage two to show he was committed to a healthy lifestyle.

I must admit we played the game, I think he lost a few pounds by the time we got to panel. At panel we weren't even asked about it, it was a none issue, noone has mentioned it again through matching process or matching panel.

DH was very non committal when he talked about it with SW. Just like 'i understand the importance of a healthy diet' etc.

If your SW is actively holding you in the process until you lose weight you need to talk to their service manager to see how that was decided on.

If they are still progressing you but keep taking about it I would just say play the game. You know the bigger picture of why you're adopting. Don't let this get in the way. It's all worth it in the end I promise!!

Good luck!!

Exactly it's a non issue.

Panel do not reject on this

LokiDoki75 · 29/09/2020 18:45

Bitter experience tells me that some social workers at this stage will ask/tell you to do all kinds of things and if you question it, they question your commitment to adopting. My advice would be to play the game. Sign up to Slimming World or something like it because, to be honest, you’ll probably only have to go until you’re approved anyway.

Sorry if I sound a bit negative. Our experience wasn’t a happy one but then we switched agencies, it was much nicer and straightforward and we are now adoptive parents!

riotlady · 29/09/2020 18:47

Did the doctor definitely put your details in right?

When I was pregnant the midwife put my height in wrong and said I was about 6 inches shorter than I was which made my BMI over 40, got referred to the bariatric services at the hospital and eventually had to have another midwife check my height to confirm that I’m not 5’2 (which you think would be obvious by looking at me but...)

neversayalways · 29/09/2020 18:47

Find statements like that one previously posted about how they consider weight. Get all your evidence of your fit and healthy lifestyle.
Take this to your social worker. If they dont' budge I would consider the complaints process. You both sound way above average in terms of your fitness levels.

I know someone in her 40's who is morbidly obese who adopted a baby! No consistency!

neversayalways · 29/09/2020 18:49

Ps I have not experience of adoption so don't necessarily listen to me.
It just seems so unfair!

ThirstyGhost · 29/09/2020 18:50

I wonder if you're just unlucky and this particular SW is an absolute stickler for the NHS BMI chart. You're only just in the overweight category. It's pretty appalling that your DH hasn't been asked about this, given that he is at the upper end of the obese category. But then I wouldn't be flagging this up with them in case they start on him too! I don't know, it does seem a bit ridiculous. You're obviously extremely fit and healthy from what you've said. I don't know whether I would protest it though or play along (like a poster above was saying who has been through the process). I'd maybe post in the adoption board here and ask for advice.

MagpieSong · 29/09/2020 18:52

Id say it’s worth asking them to take another look? If you’re on hold, I think my approach would be to ask them to clarify what concerned them about your weight compared to your husbands and what they’d be happy to accept. Ask if your GP writing that they are happy with your weight and highlighting the exercise you do would help or whether it’s non-negotiable for them. They should really be explaining their viewpoint on it and why they made that decision, rather than leaving your assessment on hold with questions but no answers.

BobbyBlonde · 29/09/2020 18:58

My BMI was 37 at my medical, they noted that it had reduced from 41 when I saw an IVF consultant six months previously, and it dropped to 33 by my panel (they didnt check this though - my SW put it in the PAR but never verified it in any way).

It wont stop you from adopting but show you're willing to make healthy changes. It is just a hoop to jump through to test how serious and committed you are.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 29/09/2020 19:09

Experienced adopter here.

I would get this moved to the adoption section. You will get a lot of misinformation here.

What the SW said to you is bobbins. You are easily able to demonstrate you are healthy enough to adopt. BMI is a blunt tool but no way should they be questioning whether a marathon runner is too fat.

You can lose a few Kg if you wish but personally I would not accept targets like this and would make complaint. If the agency are not able to resolve smoothly I'd be considering looking for another agency because you want them to handle much more complex issues than this.

drspouse · 29/09/2020 19:10

There are sometimes odd ‘demands’ I was asked to prove that I was using contraception. I’m a gay man, not sure who they thought I would be getting pregnant.

Gosh, I was asked if we were using contraception (we had been pregnant before but had several miscarriages) but no proof was asked for! (I am not sure if receipts for condoms would have been helpful?)

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/09/2020 19:13

I’d go back and clarify if it’s just you who needs to lose weight and of yes, why.

drspouse · 29/09/2020 19:15

If you are on hold I see no reason why you can't complain (if not appeal)?

CheetasOnFajitas · 29/09/2020 19:30

I laughed as I thought she was joking, she was most definitely not joking! Some people in my adoption support group had to prove they had IUDs, implants etc if they stated that was their form of contraception.

But @SimonJT what proof did they ask YOU for?

S00LA · 29/09/2020 19:34

My medical assessment says I'm 158cm and 66kg. I'm very comfortable with my body and feel like their being incredibly controlling and projecting onto me that I'm not attractive rather than there being any actual reason behind this

What was it that made you think it was about attractiveness?

Why would you think that a social services requirement was “ being incredibly controlling”?

As most PP have said, any issues about weight would be at a much higher BMI. I think you are confused OP.

I also have to say that you will struggle with the rest of the home study, which has very many requirements.

BIWI · 29/09/2020 19:36

I have no health conditions whatsoever

... but yesterday you said you had epilepsy.

SimonJT · 29/09/2020 19:37

@CheetasOnFajitas

But @SimonJT what proof did they ask YOU for?

Just verbal agreement, I didn’t give it and it wasn’t mentioned when I applied for the AO.

Takingontheworld · 29/09/2020 19:48

@BIWI

I have no health conditions whatsoever

... but yesterday you said you had epilepsy.

Oh snap 🤣

Original poster

Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 19:49

@S00LA

What was it that made you think it was about attractiveness?

Why would you think that a social services requirement was “ being incredibly controlling”?

As most PP have said, any issues about weight would be at a much higher BMI. I think you are confused OP.

I also have to say that you will struggle with the rest of the home study, which has very many requirements.

Why would I struggle with the home study because I'm 3kg overweight!?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lampshaped · 29/09/2020 19:50

@BIWI

I have no health conditions whatsoever

... but yesterday you said you had epilepsy.

I said that I HAD (past tense) epilepsy and no longer have any issues or symptoms relating to it. Hence, I have no health problems...

OP posts:

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