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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my relationship over something so small?

131 replies

AtticusDinch · 29/09/2020 07:51

I know I can end it for any reason but don’t know if I’m over reacting.

Last night my boyfriend put a photo of us both up on Instagram, he’d put a heart filter over the top of it. One of his friends left a comment saying ‘boyfriends name loves a filter‘. My boyfriend commented back to him ‘friends name loves boys’

Apart from the fact we are both mid 30s and that reply just seems incredibly childish and immature. I feel really uncomfortable about him having used being gay as an insult.

This only happened last night so I’ve been thinking about it and haven’t spoken to him yet. AIBU for feeling that way? In some ways o feel I’m being just as petty as they were.

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 29/09/2020 07:53

There's got to me more to it that that! Is he generally immature?

FluffyTRex · 29/09/2020 07:56

You could say you were ending it over a comment on Instagram, or you could say you were ending it over a misalignment of core values. Has he shown any other signs of homophobia?

I think I'd probably chat to him and say that it's a stupid, immature comment to make, and looks pretty homophobic. See what his reaction is and take it from there. If he apologises and realises where you're coming from, and doesn't continue to make the same sort of comments you're probably all good. If however he is defensive about it, says it's just banter and you're uptight, or it's one of a long line of subtle gay bashing comments, I'd be ending it.

Trisolaris · 29/09/2020 07:58

Maybe try talking to him first? As in see if he is someone who just hasn’t actually thought through how offensive that is but could learn from it if you spoke to him about it or is would be the type of person who reckons you are being too sensitive for bringing it up.

Lantern156 · 29/09/2020 08:02

I would raise it with him and give him the opportunity to realise it was homophobic and immature. If he gets it and is regretful, it’s a good sign. If he still thinks it was funny or appropriate, it may well indicate that you have fundamentally incompatible values.

Smythering · 29/09/2020 08:03

I think you should definitely end it if you’re seriously contemplating ending it over this particular comment.

Shitonthebloodything · 29/09/2020 08:05

If something like this could put you off, you obviously already have the ick for other reasons.

toomanyplants · 29/09/2020 08:05

You have every right to feel justified in how you feel about anything.
IMO this seems extreme to end a relationship over this, without a conversation first.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 29/09/2020 08:09

Yeah you should end this, the two of you don't sound compatible.

jdoejnr1 · 29/09/2020 08:11

Do the poor lad a favour and end the relationship now. You are clearly not compatible and it isn't going to get better.

dewisant2020 · 29/09/2020 08:14

My god the worlds gone crazy, men talk like that all the time when they are talking to their friends. Do him a favour and leave him because you obviously aren't compatible

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 29/09/2020 08:17

Definitely end it, poor bloke, he doesn't have a hope in helI of making you happy.

ivfbeenbusy · 29/09/2020 08:17

If you're looking for such a silly and petty reason to break up with him then you probably shouldn't be in the relationship

SalterWatcher · 29/09/2020 08:19

Erm well it's not really overly intelligent but I'm not sure I would end a relationship over it!

If that makes you want to end it then maybe there is other stuff going on?

Namechangearoo · 29/09/2020 08:21

You obviously don’t like him much if you’d end your relationship over a comment on social media. Poor lad, just let him go and find someone who likes him more.

BaronessBomburst · 29/09/2020 08:22

I don't think that you are thinking of breaking up with him.

I think you just posted this thread for the attention.
Nobody in their 30s goes "waah, waah, my boyfriend of x months suddenly posted a homophobic comment and I don't know what to do, waaah!"

VinylDetective · 29/09/2020 08:23

It’s boys’ banter, ffs. I doubt his friend was offended. Yes, kick him into touch, you’ll be doing him a favour.

YukoandHiro · 29/09/2020 08:23

You are in your mid thirties and thinking of ending a relationship over ONLY this?

I don't think so. What else is going on? What other doubts do you have?

Dozer · 29/09/2020 08:25

YANBU: had the ick at the heart filter!

Casual homophobic comments like that amongst straight (or so they say!) male friends is bullshit and happens too much.

Dozer · 29/09/2020 08:26

And like a number of posts on this thread demonstrate, women are expected to ‘be cool’ about it, ‘cos its menz ‘bants’. That’s bullshit too.

butterpuffed · 29/09/2020 08:26

They're friends and your boyfriend knows him so would've put it as a lighthearted comment and I'm sure his friend knew that. Yet it's you who's taken offence. You say yourself it's something small , so why end the relationship unless something else is going on.

Afibtomyboy · 29/09/2020 08:32

The fact you’re asking means it’s dead in the water.

Not because of what he said (daft and rude but unless there’s a back story not really something to end a good relationship over) But because of your reaction, which would suggest your feelings for him are paper thin at best

Chathamhouserules · 29/09/2020 08:33

Not sure I could carry on with him tbh. I like jokes but find casual homophobia a bit of a turn off. Particularly when its written down (I know thats a bit weird...) Just not a good match.

lunar1 · 29/09/2020 08:34

You wouldn't be ending it over something small, you would be ending it over values. Is that something you would want potential future children to repeat?

Chathamhouserules · 29/09/2020 08:35

Obviously if it was a serious relationship I wouldn't end it over this alone, but if it was earlier on I'd probably end it unless I otherwise really really liked him and thought it was just a moment of stupidity.

sonjadog · 29/09/2020 08:35

Do you not like him very much? It seems like such a small thing to end a relationship over, but maybe you would actually like to end it and you think you have a reason with this?

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