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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my relationship over something so small?

131 replies

AtticusDinch · 29/09/2020 07:51

I know I can end it for any reason but don’t know if I’m over reacting.

Last night my boyfriend put a photo of us both up on Instagram, he’d put a heart filter over the top of it. One of his friends left a comment saying ‘boyfriends name loves a filter‘. My boyfriend commented back to him ‘friends name loves boys’

Apart from the fact we are both mid 30s and that reply just seems incredibly childish and immature. I feel really uncomfortable about him having used being gay as an insult.

This only happened last night so I’ve been thinking about it and haven’t spoken to him yet. AIBU for feeling that way? In some ways o feel I’m being just as petty as they were.

OP posts:
D4rwin · 29/09/2020 08:36

Yup. It's not the comment it's what it represents.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/09/2020 08:37

FGS, is this the world we live in now? Everyone someone post something silly, it is used as homophobic, racist or who knows what else and that person should banned forever.

I'm not British. I can't count the number of times I've been teased for something related to my nationality. If I dished everyone who makes a slight joke about it, there'd be noone else left in my life.

People need to lighten up. This all political correctness is becoming a cult!

user1493413286 · 29/09/2020 08:37

My husbands friends make those kind of comments or at least have in the past and I’ve found it quite embarrassing. I would talk to him about it first but I think that if you’re ready to end it over that then there’s probably others things wrong.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 29/09/2020 08:40

It was a daft jokey comment. But I think you should do him a favour and end it.

Cocomarine · 29/09/2020 08:40

@dewisant2020

My god the worlds gone crazy, men talk like that all the time when they are talking to their friends. Do him a favour and leave him because you obviously aren't compatible
The world’s gone crazy? My 14yo lesbian daughter is on a school group chat. How do you think she feels when she reads the kids messaging each other, “don’t be so fucking gay?”
gamerchick · 29/09/2020 08:41

Some men are immature and I don't get the way they speak to each other in this way. It's up to them to pack it in, who wants to police every single thing someone says?

All you can do is have your lines drawn and if it isn't acceptable then find someone else. If it's not acceptable to you then just get on with it.

Whatifitallgoesright · 29/09/2020 08:41

It was just a joke to his mate.

HattonsMustard · 29/09/2020 08:42

How about instead of flouncing off like a teenager you actually TALK to him about the comment. Maybe he hasn't really thought about what he said in terms of how homophobic it sounds.

HattonsMustard · 29/09/2020 08:44

Cocomarine your DD can report that kind of behaviour to school as hate speech. My sister is gay, has a lovely wife. DS2's mate said something about being a faggot and I read him the riot act because he didn't know the implications of that word. He was 11 and heard it from his Dad.

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 29/09/2020 08:44

Seriously Hmm

MrsMayo · 29/09/2020 08:49

@Whatifitallgoesright

It was just a joke to his mate.
This.

Just ask if him if hes homophobic. I'm sure he isn't.

Or just finish it so he can find someone else

deydododatdodontdeydo · 29/09/2020 08:49

I wouldn't end a relationship over one comment, but I wouldn't be happy about it.

JinglingHellsBells · 29/09/2020 08:52

Mountain out of a molehill.

Banter between two lads.

Their issue and friendship- not yours.

Lighten up.

Original poster
AtticusDinch · 29/09/2020 08:52

Thanks for the comments everyone. I know it’s something relatively small, I don’t know why I’m so bothered about it. It’s like a switch just went off when I read it. He is generally immature in other ways, I’m starting to notice it more and more and thinking about if it’s something I want going forward so it’s probably more to do with all of that than just one single comment.

I’m not sure I agree with it being just how men talk though. It’s still a derogatory view against a minority group. I know he’d brush it off as just being a joke if I brought it up, maybe it’s me being over sensitive about it.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/09/2020 08:54

It sounds like he's started to massively irritate you. You don't have to ignore that.

SarahAndQuack · 29/09/2020 08:57

It's homophobic and would put me off too. People who think it's a joke are also homophobic; it's not that uncommon, but it is off-putting.

I think you know your gut - if it is bothering you, chances are you're right to be bothered.

Rigamorph · 29/09/2020 08:57

One of DPs friendship group (all males) is gay. They adore him but sometimes joke about things that would sound homophobic if taken our of context. (The gay friend joins in, BTW).
These are all nice guys in their 30s with normal lives, sensible jobs, known each other for decades, they just joke around with each other (and would never talk like that with a stranger).
Also: some men are horrified at the things women discuss, either with their friends or online with strangers!

Shakespearsister · 29/09/2020 09:04

It was just a joke and you are overreacting.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/09/2020 09:08

People who think it's a joke are also homophobic
Don't be ridiculous. There is massive gap between making a stupid comment and being full on racist or homophobic.

It's because of this ridiculous attitude that it becomes difficult to distinguish between those who are just jokey by nature and those who are full blown dangerous.

SpaceOP · 29/09/2020 09:10

it's somewhat homophobic and to be honest, I was put off by the "boys" comment too as it's not clear if he means likes men or likes young boys. And it's definitely insulting. I think in my situation, I'd be asking why he made such a comment and does he really feel that way and see his response. But absolutely, I wouldn't want to be with someone who is homophobic.

I'm assuming this is a new relationship? Ultimatley, if your core values aren't the same then of course it's not going to work out.

Stupidsocials · 29/09/2020 09:11

If it was a casual racist comment would everyone being saying, oh that's fine, just what blokes do?
I'd speak to him about it and tell him why you thought it immature, but if he's generally a bit immature then it sounds like this might have been building for a while and you're not happy because if it.
This video is a good one for educating the kind of arseholes who think saying that's gay, you're gay is hilarious.

Ironically the video is actually pretty funny...

Thingsthatgo · 29/09/2020 09:16

I am surprised at the number of posters who think this is ok. I don’t consider myself particularly woke, but I also would be hugely embarrassed if my dh used ‘you’re gay’ as an insult on social media. What a prick!

Tootletum · 29/09/2020 09:17

The world must have changed a lot. 20 years ago men would shout homophobic slurs at each other pretty much all the time. Not necessarily nice or mature, but his was really a mild slur by comparison to what I've heard. I wouldn't particularly like it if my partner did that, but tbh back in the 90s, if you didn't like someone, you would call them a starfish fucker... Just for perspective!

EmilySpinach · 29/09/2020 09:19

@Rigamorph

One of DPs friendship group (all males) is gay. They adore him but sometimes joke about things that would sound homophobic if taken our of context. (The gay friend joins in, BTW). These are all nice guys in their 30s with normal lives, sensible jobs, known each other for decades, they just joke around with each other (and would never talk like that with a stranger). Also: some men are horrified at the things women discuss, either with their friends or online with strangers!
I would be very interested to hear the gay friend's take on this.
doublehalo · 29/09/2020 09:20

Maybe it wasn't a homophobic comment. Maybe his friend really does like boys.